What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?

Kurt and Rod

all of them

a lion a witch and a wardrobe walk into a pub
and the barman says i'm serving narnia

Why did the skeleton burp in church
Because it didnt have the guts to fart

sofiakenny

Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.

If it's a success his next one will be about Kent.

Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right.

Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you!

Lidl

Me too WR, I only see two !

Wind turbines

I'm a big fan

"I harra dree."

~ Martin Luther Ching.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

I'm not saying I drive a small car...

But whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone has black coffee.

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"

"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Bert has a licker license!"

Smashing Bigmo.

I looked at the credit card statement, then I looked up at my wife, and then I glared at the statement again.

Thousands spent frivolously on dresses, handbags, and shoes...

She mustn't find out.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.