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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I don't know what the UK are submitting for the Eurovision Song Contest this year, but wouldn't a version of the Hammerstein & Rodgers song from the Sound of Music be apt at the moment?
'So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, adieu....' |
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Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon.
It's for the Easter period only.... |
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Never knew I was dyslexic until I turned up at a Toga party dressed up as a Goat!
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one of my friends had a heart of gold one day he went swimming and drowned it was hes gold heart that did it
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A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognise me by my face." |
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bl00dy good - I ain't got any kids!" |
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A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbour who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbour overheard his neighbour praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!“ |
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A crocodile, an ostrich and an elephant are walking down the street when they stop a bloke walking the other way.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe that you are under the influence of drugs of an hallucinogenic nature, sir." |
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-What do we want?
- More Acronyms - When do we want them? -ASAP |
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Bunting.
What a Jamaican buys from Gregg's. |
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I have no idea how she died, your honour.
All I know is she was alive when I buried her. |
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My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity." |
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Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous. |
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My mate had a testicle removed after finding a lump.
He's much too serious about his mashed potatoes. |
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I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…
But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money |
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My wife made me try her fairy cake she'd made this morning.
I've been burping soap suds since. |
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Went into a gymn the other day and saw an attractive lady on the treadmill.Fancying my chances I asked the attendant what machine I should go on to impress her. He took one look at me and said, I reckon the cash machine in the foyer is your only chance !
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@ bigmo 05.30, classic |
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I lobbed that gag on my facebook page bigmo and got loads of likes !
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I enjoyed it too, might have to give it a whirl somewhere
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Slippy Joel
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The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?"
I said, "Yes, why?" He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?" |
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My Grandads was really into astrology, and his star sign was cancer so it was ironic how he died really...
He was attacked by a giant crab! |
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The worlds fastest burglar finally appeared in court today.
Pakistani born, Amin Amout was sentenced to three years in prison for theft. |
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My blonde wife went down to the local supermarket,
She said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it," The manager replied, "Those are pickled onions miss." |
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My wife complained at me eating too many hazelnut chocolate bars so I swiftly moved onto
another topic. |
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing |
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Sexting.
What a Jamaican calls intercourse. |
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I used to be in a Goth rock band called 'Prevention'.
We were better than The Cure. |
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I was in a punk band called `Tarmac` but I left the band as we were always on the road.
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A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is **** and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week." |
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My son's teacher phoned today, "I've just caught your son having sex with Lucy Jones, I'm totally disgusted."
"So am I," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?" |
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I've got a steering wheel in my pants.
It's driving me nuts. |
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Read about a survey in the paper today, it says 75% of wives are uncomfortable undressing in front of their husbands.
I wish mine f*cking was. |
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I was arrested yesterday for stealing helium balloons,
The police held me for a while then let me go.. |