workrider




The husband was a bit embarrassed, and told the doctor he had trouble
getting an erection with his wife, and that she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man's blood pressure, and other vitals, then after a
thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he asked her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head,
then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good.
You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband."
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you
can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either.

I was playing pool with this Chinese bloke when he potted a red.

"Two shots to me", I piped.

"I pot led ball off break", he protested.

"You're yellow", I replied.

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "

As my wife and I were sat across from the marriage counsellor, she asked me to describe what my wife was like using only one word.

"I'd say she's like an oxymoron," I said.

"Now that's very interesting," said the counsellor, "Why exactly do you say that?"

"Because she's built like an ox and she's a f*cking moron."

Fat Tist consider yourself reported bigmo

Yep how you still here

Gnarley Classic ! jokes like that rock my boat. I'm in tears here

Martin Luther King had a dream that he was naked, riding bareback on a Camel made of Ice-cream. He doesn't talk about that one though!

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before
they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon

was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke’ and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Auntie Sharon when she's p*ssed!"

Ha – Mildly amusing
Haha – Funny
Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – Stayin alive

After giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more.

Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.

I received a filthy phone call this morning from some pervert wanting to know about my pee pee eye.

What do you call a homeless horse?

Unstable

I’ll tell you what often gets overlooked.

Garden fences.

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"
Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

I told my gay friend that I can turn fruits into vegetables.  He asked me to prove it.  I pushed him off a bridge.

I only have a cigarette after a good meal.

Thanks to my wife, I've quit.

Protip: If your colleague has a picture of herself and her dog labeled "Beauty and the Beast" you shouldn't ask her which one is which.

“Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I’ve just done in the bathroom!” I said to my wife.

“No thanks,” she replied.

“Please, just one quick look,” I said, “You won’t believe it.”

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, “There’s nothing down there, you must’ve flushed it.”

I said, “It’s on the scales.”

How to work out your tw@t name...

Take your first name and replace it with Piers.

Now take your surname and replace it with Morgan.