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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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An answer I can understand.....
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bl00dy boat." |
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I was on a flight to the States sat next to a Scotsman, when the pilot announces there were a few problems with the aircraft, we started to nose dive... I immediately called my wife and kids at home and told them i loved them and i may not make it back?
Then the Scotsman calls his wife and asks her if she would get to the airport for the car, as the parking bill may go up. |
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I once made a belt out of £10 notes.
Turns out it was just a waist of money. |
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Donald Chump
I know it is not very funny any more! |
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But he is entertaining
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The gift that keeps giving!
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I once made a house from herbs but it didn't stay up long, it was a complete waste of thyme.
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A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." |
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!” The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”
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I got my Mogwai wet and fed it after midnight but nothing happened. I think my wife might be right.
It is just a gerbil. |
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Air Force one
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. |
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What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon. |
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I just saw on the news
'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is.. Could she crack it? |
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' |
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I booked an Asian prostitute last night but she arrived 3 hours late.
She loved me wrong time. |
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A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "What will it be?" The sandpaper goes "Just something to take the edge off" |
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. |
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Its always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum"
Except when you're having a prostate examination. |
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Before i got married I would just drive aimlessly around car parks because i had nobody to point out the empty spaces.
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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There's a new razor designed for dyslexics.
It's the best thing since sliced beard. |
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I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour. |
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I'm not saying my date from last night was wearing too much perfume.
But my canary was alive before she got there. |
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If you say Jesus backwards, it sounds like sausage.
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I saw a man on the tube teaching a dog how to play the trumpet.
It went from Barking to Tooting in 40 minutes. |
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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a Billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest wh0re, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson." And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry's wh0re!" |
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My Mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? |
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When snails fight do they slug it out?
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Ten best gags from this year's Edinburgh Fringe (allegedly):
I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? Alexei Sayle I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it… Jimeoin I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine |
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Unfortunately they won't publish the best 10 gags
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Saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay this morning and thought to myself...
Wonder what his handicap is? |
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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." |
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What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head ?
Claude. |
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great stuff Bigmo..
Insomnia is awful, but on the plus side only 3 more sleeps till Christmas |
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What do you call a Crown Court judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers!
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Mick
I don't f*cking believe it. I left two Ed Sheeran tickets in my car and some bstard broke in and left two more. |
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" |
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News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon. |