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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Apparently there's a new sex position called parcel force.
You stay in all day and no-one comes |
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I'm emotionally constipated.
I haven't given a sh*t in days. |
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A cheese factory was attacked by bombers yesterday.There was De Brie everywhere.
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twizzle
off topic how is barking these days, have a good day regards Ronnie. |
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Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed
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I noticed on the bookies window yesterday it said 'Open on a Sunday 11-2'.
I'll have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday. |
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Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men...
Due to the fact that they change them every 10 seconds or so. |
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What's this: I / __ ?
The letter I falling over. |
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Just heard on the news that Beyonce has discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
Can't see her taking his surname somehow. |
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After all these years, I'm finally ready to confess.
I let the dogs out. |
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I'm going to a deodorant party this evening, roll on Saturday night!
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Three women are chipping up to the fourth hole at the local golf club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees, runs to the back of the green and stands facing them from afar.
The ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband. The second lady gazes longingly at his package and says, 'He is not mine either," After a lengthy inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club. |
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I left a packet of Quorn at the supermarket checkout today.
I went back and asked the assistant, "Have you seen my vegetarian mince ? " She said, "No, but walk up and down that aisle and I'll give you my honest opinion" I'm a bit disappointed by the sales of my latest invention, it's a one toed sandal for one legged amputees, it's looking like it's going to be a flop. |
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My mate is so tight....
He got himself tasered by the police so he could charge his iPhone. |
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Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. |
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A mosquito landed on my wife's face...
Easiest decision of my life. |
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Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up.
Unless you're in prison. |
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I think my wife's hallucinating, she keeps telling me she's seeing other people.
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Just watched a film about Steven Spielberg getting circumcised.
Think it was the directors cut. |
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A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant |
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“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”
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I went to the sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition." |
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome. |
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“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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I spent all day yesterday bobbing up and down in the water.
It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy. |
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A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo." |
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Man & beard 50 years ago “Going to the woods to chop down trees”
Man & beard today “Going to the shop there's a face mask thats gluten-free” |
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When I was younger a selfie was something we had to do when the wife wasn't in the mood.
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bigmo 16 Sep 17 08:37
When I was younger a selfie was something we had to do when the wife wasn't in the mood.  |
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The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one
day and barked at him "what's your name?" "John", the new bloke replied. The Forman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that! Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?" The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is..... |
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A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as "doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up.
One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry." "Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little t.v." "OK," he says, "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said. "Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand." |
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my purse, got out ten pound and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine. |
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Old, but worth repeating...
During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine. |
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line. |
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The man replied, "Get in line.
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You're all invited to my recycling party tonight at 8pm.
Bring a bottle or a few cans! |
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The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.
My wife disagrees. |
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I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid. |
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My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an i. |
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Good man bigmo.
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