My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.

Her clothes don't fit anymore.

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

I've just bought a house with old period features.


She f*cking hates it when I call her that.

We were so poor that if you didn't wake up with a horn on Xmas morning you had nothing to play with!   

If it's got t1ts or wheels...

Sooner or later you're going to have problems with it.

Satnav – A new poem by Pam Ayres.

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.
I have a little Sat...nav, i've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the b*gger off.

Facebook is a bit like checking your underwear after a f@rt, most likely there's nothing new, and if there is, it's probably ****.

What is the longest sentence known to man?

I do.

Report: Officials investigating Hugh Hefner’s death suspect foreplay.

Gun nuts be like: "YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE SECOND AMENDMENT! GOD BLESS AMERICA"

I think you need to look up the definition of "amendment", mate.

"Daddy, what's a transvestite?"

"Ask your mother, he'll tell you"

Great stuff Bigmo.

Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has died.

His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40

RIP Diane Abbott

Oh Sorry it's Hugh Hefner who died.

I thought it said Huge Heffer

Huge...

My Aunt Marge has been in hospital for weeks.

I can't believe she's not better.

There was a guy in Glasgow yrs ago called john that worked on the buses, giving out tickets and stuff and one day a drunk guy started picking on him, taking the piss out of his uniform and his accent.

Eventually the guy snapped and smashed his ticket machine over the drunks head repeatedly until he died!!

Knowing he was in big trouble and facing a murder rap, he went on the run and moved to London, where after a few months of laying low, he managed to get himself a job with a bus company down there, firstly cleaning the buses at the end of the day but eventually doing what he knew best, selling tickets to the passengers as they got on the bus.

He kept his head down and loved his job, making friends with a lot of people on their way to work. Then one fateful day 2 young guys with attitude got on his bus and started causing trouble, shouting and swearing, annoying the other passengers and being pains in the arse.

John warned them about their behaviour but this just made them act up even more.
John lost it, he saw red and laid into them both, kicking and punching them and hitting them both over the head with his ticket machine until they were both a bloodied mess!!
Not again thought John, he was in trouble again and the only thing to do was to disappear! This time he had to get out the country and managed to stow away on a ship to America.
After 6 mths laying low and drifting across the states, John couldn't believe his luck but managed to find a job with a US bus company selling tickets as the passengers boarded the bus.
John loved his new job, travelling on long trips all over America, meeting lots of new people from all walks of life, telling them about Scotland and his family back home. One day as John was on a long trip through the southern states, a big redneck boarded his bus and John sensed trouble.
The big guy was full of moonshine and took an instant dislike to John's Scottish accent, calling John all the names under the sun.

Well, you've guessed it, John went berserk and attacked the big redneck with his ticket machine and killed him in a rage filled assault!! This time though, John was caught and sentenced to the electric chair for his crime.

Eventually the day came for John to meet his maker and he was strapped to the chair and zapped with 10,000 volts!! John just sat there looking around him, didn't even blink an eye.
The guards, the government and the invited press couldn't believe it , no one had ever survived 10k volts before!! The governer told the guards to up the voltage to 20k volts and again John was zapped......nothing, no effect whatsoever, John just sat there with a slightly red face!
Everyone in the room gasped, how could anyone survive 20k volts??? The governer was furious and told the guards to go to the max....50k volts!!!

They flicked the switch, the lights in the room flickered, the crowd held their breath, and John just sat there. He was sweating a little bit and there was a small wisp of smoke coming from each ear but other than that? Nothing....no effect!!!

The crowd couldn't believe it, no one could....how could anyone survive 50k volts with virtually no effect??? The governer approached John and explained that under state law, although it had never happened before, anyone who survived 3 sittings in the electric chair was allowed to go free.

As the guards undid the straps around John's wrists and ankles, one of them asked John how he had managed to survive 10k, 20k and then 50k of raw electricity directly through his body? John replied " Oh I've always been a bad conductor"

11,000th post on this thread

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.