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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Me and my mates out on a Friday night have started playing the Pistorius drinking game.
When someone goes to the toilet you have to take four shots. |
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That was supposed to be a laughing face
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Jabba lolol!
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I am going out with a thin tall red head tonight. I met her on Match.com
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A friend of mine just started a business in Afghanistan selling land mines that look like prayer mats
He says prophets are going through the roof! |
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 keep em coming Bigmo .The prophets 1 above is 1 of the best of the whole thread . |
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 Wife; "will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?" Me; "You know I do" |
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus. |
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Two commuters meet on the bus. "Isn't this great?" says one. "You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time.""Exactly," says the other. "By the way - How long are you banned for?"
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Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door? |
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An old joke from the 1980s what do you call a biafran having a ****? a poseur
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shiit
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"What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad at work today.
"It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'". "And the second?" I asked "Run like f*ck!" Muhammad smiled. |
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Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel.
I won! |
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I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want to have anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him.
His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight ****. |
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There’s a thin line between a numerator and denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny. |
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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.'
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I would'nt say my wife is ugly,but she came 2nd in a Angelina Jolie lookalike contest.
Dianne Abbot came 1st. |
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I was at the beach with my son when a beautiful buxom brunette in a bikini walked by.
“Wow! Look at her” he exclaimed “It’s not polite to point like that in public” I told him, “Next time use your finger” |
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...Btw Bigmo, Boxingthefox told me yours is the first thread he looks for of a morning,keep up the good work... |
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Cheers both.
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, and two or more is a government. John Adams |
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If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. (how true is that!!!)
Mark Twain |
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The World Cup joke had me in stitches
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Injera
On Saturday my friend underwent a painful procedure that required him to have his spine and both testicles removed. Still, he got some great wedding presents though. |
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My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
He's Espanyol. |
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Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain |
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I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill |
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I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work. |
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BBC News: Glitter Banned From Children's Nurseries.
I should bl00dy well think so, after what they found on his hard drive. |
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At least a sausage roll actually existed...
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My wife asked me how I could love her and enjoy watching p0rn.
I told her, I love my car, but I still watch Formula 1 too. She was happy with this analogy. I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental. |
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I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife" |
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Had a bit of back door action with the wife when I got home from the pub last night.
She locked me out so I had to kick it in. |
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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up....... You've sh*t the bed! |
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A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw |
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Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University |
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Loved the chicken joke bigmo !
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treetop
***** “This is the best thing I’ve ever purchased in my entire life. Customer service rep was like family. Delivery time was 16 minutes, condition is perfect, and it has lasted me 20 years.” * “Ordered a bed frame and got a pack of plastic knives instead. Customer service told me to f*ck off. Delivery lasted 7 years. Caused a divorce. Lost my house. I am now going to jail.” |