We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
The late great Les Dawson.
I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.' I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire. She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark. Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.' I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the baby's face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother. I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. |
|
By:
Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office. |
|
By:
There was an old farmer from Greece
Who did terrible things to his geese But he went too far with a budgerigar And the parrot phoned the police. |
|
By:
More from Les.
She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause. Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. When my mother-in-law stands in the nude she looks like a wall of whitewash. She's so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks. I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. |
|
By:
bigmo 11 Dec 17 09:04
Las Vegas and Blackpool:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.... How do you know when an Essex girl has orgasmed? She's dropped her chips. |
|
By:
Snow
The only thing that settles here ....and doesn't claim benefit. I'm sick of Christmas already. I work my ar.e off all year to earn enough money to buy the kids the presents they want and what happens? The fat f.ck with the beard gets all the credit. Still it's my fault for marrying her. 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. Ergo 75% are going untreated. The Chippy was shut last night, so I went to the local Chinese takeaway instead and got talking to the shop owner. "What do you do for a riven then" He asked "What do you do for a living you mean?" "Yes" I'm a comedian" I replied Go on then change colour he chuckled No I'm not a f.cking chameleon, I'm a comedian, Oh right tell me a joke then, make me raff, he said Just then in the kitchen I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it. Wok, wok I shouted. Who dare? he said F'ck this I though I'm off to the Indian |
|
By:
Costume party.
Host: What are you? Me: A harp Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre? |
|
By:
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need. |
|
By:
More Les.
People often ask me: "What's the difference between a northern audience and a southern audience?" Frankly, as far as I'm concerned there's no difference ... they don't laugh at me in the south either. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough." What amazes me is that so many people think show business is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic. My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely. I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.' He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops. |
|
By:
Welcome back bigmo!
|
|
By:
Morning Joel.
 Recent studies have show that weight loss can boost a man's sexual health. So ladies, get the f*ck down the gym. |
|
By:
What's Diane Abbott's favourite contraceptive?
Her Face. |
|
By:
More Les.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. My grandfather made money out of the slave trade .... he sold my grandmother. A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door. People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left. I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply. I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels? |
|
By:
Just seen a French Footballer playing on a Nintendo.
Sure it was Thierry on Wii |
|
By:
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers...
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200." |
|
By:
My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some domination and humiliation games, so I agreed.
Now we're married. |
|
By:
I've always wondered, what was an electric eel called before electricity
|
|
By:
Last from Les
I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope. Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own. I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance. I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea." I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking' |
|
By:
London zoo fire. Meerkats missing.
Insurance job. Simples. |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
Please be careful on the roads.
Lots of people are drinking excessively and letting their wives drive...... |
|
By:
Accidently said hello to a feminist the other day.
My trial starts on Monday. |
|
By:
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is." |
|
By:
I've got a dig bick
You that read wrong You read that wrong too. |
|
By:
Happy Christmas to you and yours Bigmo, thanks for all the laughs ... |
|
By:
Ffs, 364 days away from Xmas and people already have their decorations up!
|
|
By:
Thanks workrider. Hope you and your family are having a great Christmas.
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word. Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".... |
|
By:
A man with a stutter goes to see his Doctor.
"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor. "It's b-b-better. All my dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies. "Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor. "No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that." |
|
By:
Happy New Year everyone!!!
Think I may have premature congratulation. |
|
By:
Got the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler. |
|
By:
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Swarm. |
|
By:
My Mrs complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.
I'm wondering how the f*ck she got into the Batcave. |
|
By:
This morning a criminal broke into a local dog rescue center and released all the dogs.
The police say there're desperately looking for leads. |
|
By:
Thanks bigmo,been needing cheering up,all the best to you
|
|
By:
Thanks treetop. Hope things are better.
Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that 'brown bread' was better than 'white bread'.. They were hovis witnesses. |
|
By:
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” The frog asks for the good news first. The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you.” “Great,” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?” “....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....” |
|
By:
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread. |
|
By:
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat. |
|
By:
Welcome to PC World. Or Britain, as some people call it.
|
|
By:
From twitterland
[ This image is no longer available. ] |