We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
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I went out and had ten pints of yogurt last night.
I was well Muller’d. |
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Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted. |
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I met a man with a didgeridoo and he was
playing Dancing Queen on it I thought that;s ABBA-riginal |
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either! |
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The seven qualities to be the perfect girlfriend are...
Beautiful Intelligent Gentle Thoughtful Innocent Trustworthy and Sensible |
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What’s six inches long, has a big purple head on it and sends women crazy?
A twenty pound note. |
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I hate being bipolar, it’s amazing.
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How's my New Years resolution going so far?
Well allow me to explain. Exercise Exercis Exerci Exerc Exer Exe Ex Ext Extr Extra l Extra la Extra lar Extra larg Extra large Extra large d Extra large do Extra large don Extra large done Extra large doner kebab |
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I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.
"You dozy f*cking tw@t" I shouted, through gritted teeth. |
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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Or is it one of Granny's myths? |
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...." |
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." |
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NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land." |
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." Chief: "How important? A governor or something?" Cop: "No sir. He's bigger." Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?" Cop: "More important, sir." Chief: "A major politician?" Cop: "No sir, he's much more important." Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?" Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver." |
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
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At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.
So he gave me a cushion to sit on. |
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Does anyone else find it odd that there's only one Monopolies Commission?
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A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his upholstered pistol and yelled
"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine with one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife?" A voice from the back called out "You need more ammo!" |
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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?” The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.” “Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.” The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked. “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.” “Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said. “So, what did you do?” the man asked. “Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.” |
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I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
The wife said, "You've never held the door open for me." I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave." |
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Norwich City trophy room has been broken into and all the contents have been stolen.
Police are looking for a man with a green and yellow carpet. |
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Way to Pub: ↑
Way Home: ↷ ↴ → ↪ ↺ ↲ ↑ ↯ ↓ ↩ ↱ ↶ ↵ |
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Man goes up to a shapely blonde at a bus stop and says, I bet you a fiver I can tell you the day of your birth just by feeling your boobs. Intrigued she eventually gave in to let him feel her boobs for a couple of minutes before pulling down her blouse and demanding he settles the bet by saying what day she was born and he replied......er,yesterday ?
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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
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I dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.
I never caught it but at least it gave me a good run for my money. |
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Round my area there's lots of "strong independent women" who "don't need no man" but rely entirely on the state for food, shelter and medicine.
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In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer: throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits." I said "Sorry mate, did he drown?" "No," he said, "he choked on a sock." |
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In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer: throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits." I said "Sorry mate, did he drown?" "No," he said, "he choked on a sock." |
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If electricity follows the path of least resistance...
Why doesn't lightning only strike in France? |
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"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
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A great Jewish joke that is obviously better told than written
Sadie is walking down the road & spots old friend Hettie. " Hettie you look wonderful what have you had done? " "Oh Iv'e had all the treatment, body tuck, , face lift, liposuction, botox, etc etc" Well you look wonderful, were there any side effects to the treatment ?" "Well there was a little bit of body hair " "What underneath your arms ? " "No around my B0ll0cks " |
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …
Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight. |
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I love fat girls.
No matter where you grab them, it feels like t1ts. |
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The only thing flat-earthers fear …....
is sphere itself. |
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One of my exs, who isn't English, sends me (too many) random posts from off the internet. Her grasp of the language is sometimes hair-raisingly inappropriate. The latest was a list of jokes to offend everyone (that was the title). Before I start, where do the banned/damned go? I have no addresses. Though I guess I could live without you all. Happily even. For ever.
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An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?” The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus," the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment..” |
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I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!" |
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I came out of the chip shop with a meat&potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!” |
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?” “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bstard.” |
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Nearly sh@gged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Wait a minute…” |