Poor Amber Rudd , sometimes I've had windrush and its resulted in something brown and smelly being ejected.

Maybe plants are farming us, supplying us with oxygen until we all die then compose in the ground and feed them.

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"
"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

It’s the World Cup Final and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down and noticing that the seat next to him is empty, he leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No", says the neighbour, "The seat is empty".

"That is incredible", said the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it"?

"Well actually the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away" replies the neighbour, "This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married".

"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s very sad, but couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat", asks the guy.

The man shakes his head, "No", he says, "They’re all at the funeral".

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Just had a weird message from my girlfriend on my walkie talkie
"Our relationship is"

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

When I was at school a Policeman came in and did a talk On Drugs.
I couldn't understand a f*cking word he said.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

I think Eddie Izzard's decision to join the Labour party is a big mistake.

His career in comedy will suffer when people realise he's not as funny as Dianne Abbot.

I know where you're coming from TMM, I'd be here for a week telling those!

Strange thing is, some of the people it is supposed to offend send me them too!

PC merchants are killing it for everyone

Tom and George are going hunting. Tom says to George, "I"ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren"t any ducks out there, I"m not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond.
The dog comes back and barks twice. Tom says, "Well I"m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
George says, "You"re going to take the dog"s barks for the truth?"
George doesn"t believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says, "I don"t believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Tom says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So George goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Tom has.
The breeder obliges and George brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it"s mouth and starts humping George"s leg.
Outraged, George takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks what the dog did. So George tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "George, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f*cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If all t's were silent we'd never hear the end of it !

Might help if I get organised and not repost jokes.

When a woman says "ready in 5 minutes" and a man says "home in 5 minutes" they mean exactly the same thing.

A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came accross a nice pub. The door had a 'No pets allowed' sign, so the husband said "Just stick it down your pants, no one will know"...The wife says "What about the smell?"..
...The husband replies "If it dies, it f*ckin dies"