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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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If Rene' Descartes had been born in Nigeria
Would he have said "I think therefore I scam" . |
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Male comedian: Someone who stands on stage and says funny things.
Female comedian: Someone who stands on stage and tells us funny things her husband has said. |
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge |
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain |
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I saw an offer for pig breeders weekly magazine , I signed up for a 2 year subscription ..And I got a free pen .
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A wife comes back from the doctors with a big smile on her face
Husband says "Why are you so happy?" The wife says "The doctor told me that for a 45 year old woman, I have 18 year old breasts" "Oh yeah" said the husband "Well what did he say about your 45 year old @rse?" She said "Your name never came up in conversation" |
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I saw Prince Charles and Camilla heading for Cornwall yesterday on the motorway hogging the middle lane and had no option but to undertake them . .
I passed the Duchy on the left hand side. |
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Went to the doctors last week and he told me i had to take tablets he prescribed for the rest of my life..trouble is he only gave me three.
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What's the best advice you can give a worm? Don't get up early.....
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A one-liner about being sacked by a Jobcentre has been chosen as the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe. The joke came from his show Undeniable. Supported by 41% of the public who voted for the award was: "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." |
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher. - Socrates |
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx |
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There's been accusation of someone throwing rubbish onto the pitch at Manchester United.
A Mr Mourinho is due in court in the morning |
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Aretha Franklin arrives in Heaven and starts singing.
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!" "To you." Replied Barry Chuckle. |
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Ensure you get a good nights sleep on holiday by suggesting to your wife that you sleep in separate countries.
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"Spend an hour a day on the treadmill," said the doctor. "You can even watch tv whilst you do it."
So, I'm laying here thinking, "This isn't very f*cking comfortable." |
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I'm sure bigmo has posted that Edinburgh Jobcentre joke on here before , perhaps you should go in the comp next year
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I'm afraid I only pinch them Joel.
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante |
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor |
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I asked my boss "Where do you want me to put this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap"
He said " Just pop it in the corner" 4 hours it took me |
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The inventor of the throat lozenges has died today... They'll be no coffin at his funeral
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Common sense is like aids
Some are born with it.... Some have to have it pounded into them. |
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This guy has a pet duck he takes it everywhere with him and hates to be separated from it .....
One day he decides to go to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster . He walks up duck under arm, but is told "sorry no pets including ducks allowed " So he stuffs the duck down the front of his trousers and pays in, and sits next to two girls . A short time later the first girl says to the second girl “That man’s fly is undone and his thing keeps popping out ” The second girl replies “So what, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”. First Girl says “Yeah but this one keeps eating my popcorn!” |
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" Just pop it in the corner"
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine |
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield |
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The wife tied me to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, I could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of me.
She knelt on the bed, between my thighs and said "Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?" "My glasses, please." I gulped. |
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My wife put on her big hat to go to Ascot and she said to me, "Darling, do you think this is a bit much? Will I look out of place ?"
"Probably," I replied, " I doubt any of the other horses will be wearing hats." |
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A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after a recent operation, her husband had lost interest in sex.
The surgeon replied "all we did was restore his eyesight" |
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Love the eyesight one bigmo,keep 'em coming !
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan |
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath |
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Dear optimist and pessimist,while you two ***** were arguing about the half full or half empty glass.
I drank the contents. Yours sincerely An opportunist. |
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I banged on my neighbours door and said, “Your cat has just urinated all over my rhubarb!”
He said, “Sorry, to hear that. Is it bad?” “I’ll bloody say!” I huffed, “I was eating it with custard at the time.” |
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If any of the toys in "Toy Story" died.
Andy wouldn't know and he'd carry on playing with it's corpse. |
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Andy is a barstewerd
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A man comes running to the doctor shouting and
screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee." DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it." MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."' DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting." MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?" MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me." |
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope |