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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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FIRST TIME FLUFFY HAS BEEN HONEST.
Fluffy walked into a branch of RBS to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Fluffy: "Well I didnt bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Mundell, the Secretary of State for Scotland!!! Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity." Fluffy: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier: "I am sorry Secretary of State, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Fluffy: "I need this cheque cashed." Cashier: "Perhaps theres another way: One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without ID.To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomerie and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Secretary of State for Scotland?" Mundell stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Secretary of State?" |
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My wife said, "You never see things from my point of view."
I said, "What the f*ck are you talking about? Only yesterday I looked out the kitchen window." |
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Polly went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned £20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Polly, they just wanted to see your panties!"
Polly replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!" |
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Good Advice Military Style
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual |
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Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" "Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!" Then POOF! She was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the **** willows." Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING! |
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Good Advice Military Style
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." |
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I had a traditional English Sunday morning breakfast today.
Three quarters of a pint of flat Stella and a half eaten cold chicken tikka masala. |
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Baby Penguin walks into a bar and asks the Barman
"Has my dad been in today"? Barman thinks about it and says "What does he look like"? cue laughter |
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Ho Chow calls into work and say"Hey, I no come to wok today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt,I no come work" The Boss says "You know something Ho Chow? I really need you today,when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work, try that." Two hours later Ho Chow calls again " I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon...... You got nice house" |
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Good Advice Military Style
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." "Never trade luck for skill." The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!" "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant." "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" |
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Gunfights in the wild west could have been avoided if they had made the towns big enough for everyone.
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A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!" |
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I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neck line, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the @rse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good. |
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A bit of a do in the bar last night I saw an Asian man walk into a bar and he starts drinking a beer. A white man sees him and asks “Do you know karate or Kung fu? Anything like that?”
The Asian man looks somewhat offended “Is it because I’m Asian?” The man replies: “No, it’s because you’re drinking my f*cking beer” |
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Good Advice Military Style
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries." "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day." Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible." "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there." As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) |
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If Theresa May does Boris Johnson’s divorce, he’ll end up with a huge settlement and still be married afterwards
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My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said "look at this, it still fits me after 25 years" I said "it's a f*cking scarf"
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I spotted a geezer on the bus wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like."
Fair enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair. |
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went to tesco to get six cans of sprite but i ended up picking seven up
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Getting p*ssed off with people taking the p*ss over my dyslexia
it’s not f@nny or clover |
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Mick is driving along the road and spots Paddy walking along. He stops and winds down the window, “Paddy, would you like a lift?"
“No thanks, Mick. No need ..... I live in a bungalow.” |
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Just seen a flat-chested female football fan wearing a top that read ‘BRAZIL’
A somewhat superfluous statement, I thought. |
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb... |
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Dianne Abbott was visiting Northern Ireland and
was asked what she thought of County Down . She replied "I preferred it with Carol Vorderman". |
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That is an awfully clever one - but as the cleverist won on hear I no the answer. BUT I AIN'T TELLING YER!!!
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to the blonde and lawyer joke^^
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I wonder how many know the answer to the question in the lawyer blonde joke?? he he
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Now on sale in IKEA beds for lesbians no nuts or screwing just tongue and groove
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Just booked a table for me and the wife for our anniversary.
bound to end in tears though she's crap at snooker. |
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Police attending an incident in Liverpool returned to their car to find it up on bricks.
Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit. |
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Rudyard Kipling may be accused of being a racist but he did write some exceedingly good poems.
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Mary has got married the fourth time to George.
On their wedding night she says"Hold on a moment George I'm a virgin" He replies "Hold on, how can you be a virgin if you've been married three times?" She said "Well the first one was a gynecologist he only wanted to look at it. The second one was a psychiatrist he only wanted to talk about it. The third one was a stamp collector..........." |
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It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church. wife waiting at altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled and closed the f*cking lid.
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My neighbour just shouted at her kids so loud I turned my TV off and sat at my table for dinner.
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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlya s tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. |
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I got cornered by this big bloke with a knife in Lewisham, London,
"You don't want to do this to me, " I said to him, "I'm not from around here, I'm American. " "So f*cking what, " he replied, "wallet, watch and phone now. " So I shot him. |
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If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, butter and cheese.
Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich. |
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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. –Anonymous
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. –Unknown If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret |
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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat, sweaty old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”
The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.” |
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