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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My wife is pregnant after her 8th medically advised abortion. She's thrilled to bits and has asked me to go and sort a new cot out.
Well, I love her enthusiasm, so I've decorated the bucket this time. |
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I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's up to almost 5 TB. |
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I had a letter come through my letterbox this morning addressed to 'The Occupier'.
So I've sent it to the correct address, the state of Israel. |
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My friend said to me "Why do women cheat?"
I said "We've all been there, mate" "You've been cheated on?" He asked. I said "No, I meant your girlfriend". |
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Was thinking about this.......came up with.....I used to be indecisive.....but now I'm not so sure.........went to the doctor and said "Doctor ....when I do this , it hurts" (raises arm up to the horizontal).............doctor says...."Don't do it then"....a ha ha ha.....Tommy Cooper joke....:)
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I think as part of the UK citizen test, the applicant should be made to eat a full traditional English breakfast .
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The first rule of Norman Collier club is ou alk ut orm er club.
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"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad." "Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend? "No dad, not at all." "Are you gay? "No dad, and will you please f*ck off with your lesbian fantasies." |
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If Ronseal does what it says on the tin and we apply the same to drinks.
There's no ****g chance of me ever trying Kn0b Creek Bourbon or C0ckburns Port |
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i went in the local petshop the other day and asked them if they had a pet that talked to keep me company and take down the local for a drink.he said all we have is a centerpeed.right ille take that.he took it home and got ready to go to the pub for a drink.he said come on welle go to the local..there was no answer from the box..so he said again come on ille take you for a drink down the local.the centrepeed got a bit ratty and said can you not wait till i put my shoes on.
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I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.
I don't know why, I just started filling up! |
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.
The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?" The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first". |
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Stormy Daniels is doing porn again. Say what you want about Donald Trump, but he gets people back to work.
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What job ads really mean
Competitive salary We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition. Join our fast-paced company We have no time to train you. Casual work atmosphere We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. Some overtime required Some every night and some every weekend. Duties will vary Anyone in the office can boss you around. Must have an eye for detail We have no quality assurance. Career-minded Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). Apply in person If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled. Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit. Problem-solving skills a must You're walking into perpetual chaos. Requires team leadership skills You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. Good communication skills Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. |
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My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was crying.
"He kicked me in the b@lls," I snarled. "It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He does now," I replied. |
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I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an 'infectious smile'.
She had cold sores. |
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Just adopted a retired police drug sniffing dog.
Everyone loves him but he's expensive to look after with his £1,000 a week cocaine habit |
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My friend decided to play a game. He scrolled down his Facebook newsfeed and had a shot of whiskey every time he saw a woman whining about something
He's dead now. |
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I've just been to the barbers and had a Jose Mourinho haircut.
F*ck all at the front, nothing at the sides and mess at the back |
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I was so fed up with being cheated on by girls I brought one of those AI robotic sex dolls for companionship.
Just caught her in bed with the hoover! |
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"Well Mr or is it now Miss, Jones I'm delighted to tell you your transgender operation is complete and a tremendous success.
So much in fact, our tests show you have cervical cancer. " |
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Whilst Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his brother Stan just slowly carried an old woman up them....
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Dear Got Any Jokes Thread,
I have 11 jokes and I can't understand why any of them haven't scored very well. Jose Mourinho |
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Former Rainbow presenter Geoffrey has passed away at the age of 76...
Bungle and George have sent their condolences... Zippy's remained tight lipped. |
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Someone has been pouring gravy over my allotment for the last few nights.
The plot thickens |
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Facebook are launching a dating app that's going to let users choose between five genders.
Well, I'm all for equality, and think it's about time they included the other three genders - 'Attention seeker', 'Mentally ill', and 'In denial'. |
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An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?' The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord blesses this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.' |
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” the agent explained, “Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill her!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.” |
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If GILFS and Grannies are your thing, I can highly recommend a visit to any B&Q store on a Wednesday.
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I went to the chemist to get some lube.
"We don't have any. Have you tried Boots?" I want to glide in, not f*cking march in! |
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I wish people would stop making vegetable jokes about Steve Bruce.
This is a football manager who had a £200,000 a year celery. |
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I am married to someone who is a Twin. Twins are supposed to know what each other are thinking...a telepathic link. If that's true why is by my BT phone bill so f*cking big ?
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