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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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If you know anyone selling a megaphone, give me a shout.
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Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.
Captain: Are. |
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What did Blackbeard say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey. |
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A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised
an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'Sure will, 'replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 45 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No'; said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all'....'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$s, and it won't hurt as much. |
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Pirate: What do you think of Kim Kardashian?
Captain: Avast Behind. |
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A tragic plane crash has killed eighty one people including a Roman Catholic nun on route to an international darts festival.
Quite fitting really, ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY.......... |
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I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
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“Faculty”.
Cockney for, “There’s no more PG Tips” |
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My grief counsellor died recently, but luckily he was so good I didn’t give a sh*t.
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There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my d1ck', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't p1ss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter |
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Bill and Ben, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up, but Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ben really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ben didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Ben figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Ben approached the park and lo and behold!, there sat Bill! Ben was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, “I've been in jail!” “Jail, cried Ben. What in the world for?" "Well, Bill said, you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I go?" "Yeah, said Ben, I remember her. What about her?" "Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me. At 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty." "So, The judge gave me 30 days for perjury." |
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I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning
Being a sniper is f*cking awesome! |
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The wife said "why the hell do you always go and stand in the street whenever I start singing?"
I said "so the neighbours know I'm not beating you". |
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"Why are you looking so down?" asked Yusuf to his friend.
"My wife's going through 'the change'", replied Mohammed. "Oh I know what you mean", said Yusef. "I hate it when they reach puberty." |
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Everyone a gem ... |
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oh big mo - back to absolute top form!!!
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I asked my little granddaughter what she wanted for her birthday.
She said "I would like Barbie and Action Man please grandad" I replied "Hang on, I thought Barbie comes with Ken"? My granddaughter said "No grandad, Barbie always comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken" |
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There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep. I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
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Mid-Wife for sale....
Can deliver |
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The wife said "you know if I ever got alzhiemers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me" .
I said "that's the fifth time you've said that today" |
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I bought a mongoose yesterday..
It looks just like a normal goose, but it's eyelids are weird and it dribbles a lot. |
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MAKEUP
Because women know that men deserve better. |
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I’ve just had a mirror fitted on my bedroom ceiling......
So I can see my wife having a headache |
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Why was the anti vaxxer's 5 year old crying? She was having a mid-life crisis
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more than anything I feel that this fred should be closed down as ewe are knot taking social issues seriously
you are just a bunch of clowns and jokers I hope that puts an end two it |
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A ventriloquist is touring Norway. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little sh1t on your lap." |
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There were three applicants for an accountant's position.
The first one went in to be interviewed and was told he had to do a little test. "What's two plus two?" The applicant looked down at his hands. "No using your fingers" said the interviewer. Eventually the first applicant came up with the correct answer and was told that some one would be in touch with him. The second applicant went to see the interviewer and quick as a flash, when asked what is two plus two, gave the correct answer. The interviewer nodded appreciatively, obviously impressed and again said that someone would be in touch. The third interviewee was invited in and was asked the same question. He instantly jumped up, went to the window, closed the blinds, went to the office door opened it, looked down the corridor, shut the door, went close up to the the interviewer and whispered in his ear "What do you want it to be?" I think we all know who got the job! |
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I was chatting to this really hot girl last night in the pub.
Just as the landlord rang for last orders she whispered in my ear "I want to take you home and sh@g you stupid" So I told her to f*ck off, nobody calls me stupid! |
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Mid-Wife for sale....
Can deliver |
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A lesbain girl from Khartoum,
Took a gay boy to her room. When she turned off the light, He said "let's get this right, who does what and how and to whom?" Love the way that uses correct, grammatical English in order to make the rhyme  |
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My dad was a man who liked to call a spade a spade.
Great father. Terrible race relations officer. |
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: “Dear Madam: Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 – it had never been occupied; #2 – there was plenty of heat; and #3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note : “Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady” |
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Bob started a new job at a very large organisation. He was told to learn the ropes by working and shadowing Bill.
Bill was a good choice and he diligently showed Bob around, giving him good advise about how to fit in with his new colleagues. After lunch they visited a large lounge where staff relaxed before afternoon work started. Bob was happily relaxing, thinking what a good decision he had made taking this job when the door to the lounge burst open and a young lady walked in and said "I'm Mandy. I'm ready for love and I want it now!" Bob was taken aback by this outburst and was equally surprised when a young man got up from his chair and went off with Mandy. Enquiring about this with Bill he was told that every day Mandy would burst in like that and every day a different young man would slope off for a bit of lunchtime fun. Bob quickly got used to this but was shocked when he bumped into Mandy one afternoon, later that week. She was totally dishevelled. She only had one shoe, her skirt was inside out, her blouse was back to front and it was clear that she wasn't wearing a bra. Bob quickly found Bill and told him what he had seen. Bob frowned and said "Oh its obvious. Mandy went with one of the auditors today. They never put anything back where they find it!" |
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At a Glasgow pub quiz the final question to win £1,000
is............... Take That's first album consisted of four words the first two were "Take That" So what were the second two? There was a long pause then a we Glasga man gets up and says was it ..... Ya Bastard!!!!! |
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I've just opened the first day on my Dianne Abbott advent calendar.
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Women are finally being allowed to join the SAS.
About time as well, there's no way those brave lads should be cooking their own meals . |
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A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.
A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man, " Did you get a look at the driver?" "No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife." "How"s that?"asked the policeman. And the man said, " I"d recognise her laugh anywhere." |
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Gay man given 40 lashes in Indonesia.
Friends now say he looks fabulous. |
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I opened my eyes this morning and thought I was dead, the first time for ages I've woken up and nothing hurts.
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