Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
U2 were recently performing in Glasgow and in the middle of a
particularly rousing version of Beautiful Day they stopped playing as Bono started clapping very slowly. He kept this up for over a minute whilst just staring at the audience. Eventually he says in an earnest voice "Every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa". "Stop clapping then, you c*nt!" comes the reply from a member of the audience. |
|
By:
Albert Einstein defined insanity as repeating the same things over and expecting a different result. My Mrs asked me to stop outside Tesco whilst she runs in for one thing.
So there is was parked on double yellows waiting on her. Out she comes with a fkin trolley full. I fall for it every time. True story by the way |
|
By:
One for the trekkies here .....
An often asked star-trek question is, when you step onto the plate of the matter transporter to be beamed down to a planet, is it you that arrives or just a copy of you, with your thoughts and memories, and have you as an entity ceased to exist? Would the soul travel too, or is our mind just a collection of random electrical patterns within that brain that no longer exists? If asked, the person at the other end if it is still you, it would obviously say yes. So the question is would you willingly step on to the pad to be beamed down? Or are you like me and think it's a load of b0ll0cks anyway so why f*cking worry? |
|
By:
Quasimodo ends up having surgery to remove the hump on his back .
When they open the hump up they find an apple a packet of cheese and onion crisps a tuna salad sandwich and a kit kat .. It was the lunchpack of Notre-dame |
|
By:
I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping!”
|
|
By:
Billy has 5 albums by Morrissey and he buys 2 more, what does Billy have?
Depression, Billy has depression. |
|
By:
My Grandad always said, “as one door closes, another opens”,
lovely man, terrible cabinet maker. |
|
By:
Two scots Archie & Jimmy, are discussing
Jimmy's wedding. "Och, it's all goin' brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' sorted, the fluers, church, cuars, reception, rings, meenister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "You'll look smairt. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "she'll be in white!" |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
To err is human
To Arr is pirate |
|
By:
It was Dave's wedding day and he was stood at the altar with the biggest grin ever. His best man looks at him and whispers, "I know it's your wedding day and you're happy mate, but is there any other reason for such a massive smile?" He quietly replies "If I'm honest, yeah. About three hours ago, my future wife gave me the best bl0wjob I've ever had!".
Right next to him was his future wife who also had an enormous ear to ear smile. Her maid of honour asks her the same question to which she happily replies, "Yes, about three hours ago, I sucked off Dave for what will be the very last time!". |
|
By:
Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...
...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook. |
|
By:
I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,
I’m not sure what to make of it. |
|
By:
It's been years since my wife wanted sex, but today all she's said is "Why don't we go upstairs?" and, "I'm going to make you sweat today".
I've got a horrible suspicion she's had self-assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered. |
|
By:
As my wife lay in a coma the doctor approached me and said,
"Music is a great healer, bring your wife's favourite music in and it could bring her out of it quite quickly. " So I bought some Morrissey albums in, should be good for ten years now. |
|
By:
A friend was asking me, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?"
And I said, "What do you mean, 'If'?" |
|
By:
Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions
|
|
By:
Copied and pasted from Guido Fawkes
Viewers may have detected a slight edge to the Question Time exchanges last night between Isabel Oakeshott and Diane Abbott. The awkwardness began earlier in the evening on the train to Derby when they found themselves sat next to each other in First Class. Diane was, according to Guido’s source in the carriage, not amused to find herself sat next to the ‘Bad Girl of Brexit’. Small talk was limited on the journey. When they arrived at Derby station, Diane somehow managed to drop her money on the floor. She struggled to pick up the money, which given Diane’s generous size she was finding difficult to retrieve from under the table and chairs. Since the train would soon be pulling out of the station, Isabel helped pick up the coins, lest Question Time’s other guest should miss her station. Handing the cash back to Diane, Isabel quipped “I’m tempted to make a political point about Labour’s recklessness with money.” The other First Class passengers laughed. |
|
By:
My mate needed a bone marrow transplant
We found a match in Argentina The operation was a success Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor. |
|
By:
Hello, darkness my old friend...
What are you doing here so soon, it’s 16:00 in the afternoon. |
|
By:
A Swedish woman, two Swedish men, and another Swedish woman walk into ABBA.
|
|
By:
Ryanair is proposing a 'fat tax' for obese customers. I think this is a great idea and I'd do it like this.
A bit like the hand luggage size test, have a chair with arms at the check-in that passengers have to sit in. When they get up if the chair is still stuck to their @rse they pay the tax. The rest of the queue behind them can all cheer and clap and shout "Pay up, you fat ****!" making the normally dreary check-in experience a more light-hearted affair. |
|
By:
Do guys ever say "No, I have a girlfriend"
If someone offers you money,do you say "No,I have a salary" |
|
By:
Shag
Funny word isn't it? To a carpet maker, it's a long pile rug... To a smoker,it's a type of tobacco... To an American ,it's a dance... To an ornithologist, it's a bird.... And to you..ya ugly bars.rd, it's just a remote possibility... |
|
By:
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me..He asked "Your money or your life?" I told him I was married , so I have no money or life. We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.... |
|
By:
A bloke is giving a lecture at a university on the paranormal.
He says" How many people believe in ghosts?" About 60 hands go up. "How many of you have seen a ghost?" About 15 hands go up. "How many of you have spoken to a ghost?" 3 hands go up. "How many of you have had sex with a ghost?" One hand goes up,Abdul right at the back. The bloke asks him to come to the front and says" Ive been doing this for 25 years and you're are the first person who has claimed to have sex with a ghost. Abdul says " Sorry, I couldn't hear at the back, I thought you said goat" |
|
By:
I don't know if this ranks as a joke, because its actually a true story.
Barmaid reads facebook from behind bar in rural Ireland hotel. Texts dad and says that its come up on her facebook that T V license detector van with inspector is in the area. Dad says fine. (from now on he's called Paddy Tommy) Paddy tommy is at home watching T V Knock on the door. Paddy tommy realises it might be tv license inspector so sneaks a peak out through curtains. License inspector knocks again...no anwser. License Inspector knocks again and shouts "Hello, you may as well come out I saw curtains move so please come to the door" Paddy Tommy opens door. T V L I says "inspecting T V Licenses you dont appear to have one but you have a T V" Paddy Tommy says "I am not the owner I'm just here doing some work on the house" T V L I says " Ah come on who is the landlord ? " Paddy Tommy "I am just a contractor working for a company fixing upsome bits in the house" T V L I says "listen I have heard this all before , where are yer tools then ?" Paddy Tommy says in my van over there , pointing and goes over to van , opens door and a dog jumps out . T V L I says " have you got a license for that dog ? " Paddy Tommy says " No sir I never let him drive the van " |
|
By:
Theresa May - The kind of negotiator to come out of DFS with a full priced sofa.
Seen online |
|
By:
University: just the same as being unemployed.
But your parents are proud of you. |
|
By:
Just seen an advert in my local paper
MATHS TEACHER NEEDED! £35,000 - £40,000 So I rang them up and said "The answer is - £5,000" Stupid *****. |
|
By:
Saw Raheem Sterling in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?" He said, "Have you got a pen?" I said, "****, no. Hang on". With that, I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically. He said, "How's that going to get you a pen?" I said, "Well it usually gets you one you diving ****". |
|
By:
Bratwurst
Sauerkraut Cabbage Potatoes Cheese Beetroot Onions Bread Butter Schindler's mum's list. |
|
By:
It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days - in a rare tender moment he described the first time he laid eyes on Melania, and clicked 'add to cart'
|
|
By:
Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…the other's got a dodgy tikka!
Taxis on its way |
|
By:
How do you know when you've passed an elephant?
You can't get the bog seat down. |
|
By:
My wife comes out of the bathroom naked after her shower and walks into the bedroom, she said to me "babe shut the curtains I don't want the neighbours to see me naked", "don't worry" I said " if the neighbours see you naked they'll shut their own curtains"
|
|
By:
A scumbag called Carl has been breaking into houses on our estate
for some months and the police have been unable to catch him. While robbing the houses to feed his drug addiction, he ruins our washing machines by putting bricks in them and just before making his getaway he turns on the fast spin cycle. Well recently he was found dead in a local alley, due to an overdose. It is never nice to speak ill of the dead, but on the bright side our washing machines are living longer with Carl gone. |
|
By:
Met an English fellah in airport bar
He said "do dig roads paddy ?" I said "no I prefer Corfu" |
|
By:
*do you did roads ......
|
|
By:
*do you dig roads ......
|