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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there are no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head if I'm honest. |
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I went to the supermarket today and their was a special on.....he collected the trolleys.
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My girlfriend left me because I was "a typical sexist male."
I was in town and saw she now has a job at Subway. So I walked in and told her to make me a sandwich. |
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Diane Abbott has launched her own brand of face cream in time for Christmas.
It's called Oil of Ugly. |
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A few famous quotes.
"No need to repeat yourself. I ignored you the 1st time". "You are fat so I won't sugar coat it, you would probably eat that as well". "Two wrongs don't make a right. ask your parents". "You are the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard" . "Don't you just love nature despite what it did to you" . "There is a glass full of shut the f*ck up on the table. Have a drink". "Some day you will go far I just hope you stay there ". |
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one here from the late great mike read ..........a bloke comes home from work and theres a load of weight lifting gear in the room ,says to the wife whats that for ? wife says i it cost £300 i bought it to excersise it might make me boobs bigger ,ffs says bloke £300 what i waste a money ,you shoulda used toilet tissue,........ toilet tissue ? says wife ? yeah yer get the toilet paper and rub it between your tits and they get bigger ! you sure ? yeah says bloke look what its done for your arse !
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Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment, and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.
Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking. It's called natural selection. |
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My wife wanted to give me a w@nk as a surprise cheeky Birthday present this morning.
I'm not saying I'm old but I wish she'd warned me last week. |
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"A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town!
"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!" Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her" So he walked her past it again!!"  top bombing bigmo, I'm pinching that gem! |
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Awesome slippy, shows good humour isn't all about effing and blinding. Had me smiling all day that one bigmo,ta
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Ooh, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!".
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I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone..so you can shut up about your big battle at Normandy Grandad!
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone travelled back in time and whispered an Ed Sheeran song into it?
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My wife's pet got out and she came back from the chase huffing and breathless.
"You really need to lose some weight," I said to her. "You know how hard it is to catch Spike," she panted, "and how fast he is." "Spike is a tortoise." |
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A true story...
The wife was getting a bit mopey and down seeing how well people she hates and despises seem to be doing well and profiting all year with no effort or merit what so ever. She said "we never get a break, god we work all year with nothing to show for it, I wouldn't mind a bit of luck for just once in my life" I said " you used all your lifetimes luck up when you met me sweetie " I quickly ducked the ornament she threw at me . |
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"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - London's most hated cab driver!
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The man that invented human cloning has died.
The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral. |
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My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men.
"John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people sharing all the world?" He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "one day I might just write a song about this moment." And he did, the rarely heard album track "Some Random **** I Met On A Train One Day". |
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Why did God invent marriage?
Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves you know. |
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Bilbo awoke one morning to find a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
There was an unexpected item in the Baggins area. |
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VG MD. |
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I bought the wife roses for Valentine's Day.
She ate them all before breakfast. |
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The Crash Test Dummies were one-hit wonders.
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Its a well known fact that women never answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings
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Last night Arsenal lost to Bate Borisov. If you don't know who they are or have never heard of them, they are a small team originating from Woolwich.
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2 Asians standing outside a pub in Bradford having a smoke and observing the many people passing to and fro. One says to his mate, this place is full of feckin' foreigners.
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My mate suffers from that disease which makes him allergic to facts.
Religion. |
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I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied. |
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I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents the other day. After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could have done better than that son. She's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!
She must weigh 23 stone. Covered in spots. lips like a cod, shes got a beard, she's cross-eyed, got a bald head, size 15 feet and she stinks!!" I said, "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf!..." |
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Just got back from a walk, ended up coming back through the churchyard.
I saw a man squatting down behind a gravestone. 'Morning', I said. 'No', he said 'Just taking a sh1t' |
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My mate told me his wife likes to role play in bed.
I asked what her favourite role play was. He said 'Coma patient'....... |
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One would think that with all the money Paul McCartney has made from the music industry over the years he would put a little of it back into it, say by taking singing lessons.
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I rang the police last night to report the wife had gone missing.
The officer asked, "what can you tell us about her"? I said "she's an argumentative moody so and so that's made my life a complete misery" He said "no sorry I meant a physical description"? I said " imagine pat butcher wearing a Groucho Marx disguise and you've nailed it. |
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My 87 yr old mother gets her acronyms mixed up all the time these days. She popped into Greggs last week and asked for an LGBT sandwich.
Credit to Puncrock on Guardian comments |
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I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
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The deaf one
What game do anti vaxxers kids play? Marco Polio Did you know that a cow that is talked to produces more milk? It's a case of in one ear and out the udder Who won the Tour de France in 1940? The Sixth German Panzer Division |
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Arthur is 85 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes..... As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety-two. He can't help." "He may be ninety-two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?" "Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go ?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember." |
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A rabbit goes into a cafe and orders a BLT toasted sandwich, he gobbles it down then asks for a cheese and ham toasted sandwich. He wolfs it down then asks for an egg toasted sandwich.
The greedy little thing throws it down his throat, pays and leaves. As the cafe owner closes he sees the rabbit rolling around in agony and spewing his guts up. The owner asks "What's up with you"? The rabbit replies "Mixin' my toasties". |
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Tramp goes into a DIY shop and asks for a bottle of White Spirit. The manager says, I'm not selling you that, you're going to drink it! No, says the tramp, what it is, is, I was lying in the gutter the other day and found an old paint brush & it reminded me of my former life as a painter and decorator before I fell on hard times. I want the white spirit to clean the brush up and make a new start. The manager, says I'm so sorry to have doubted you, I tell you what, you can have any bottle of White Spirit in the shop on me. That's jolly nice of you says the tramp, have you got a cold one?
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