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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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"Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains..."
The doctor advises him to contact Facebook to set it as one of the gender options on the sign-up menu. |
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Yanks are getting so fat that the next war will be for cooking oil.
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Cooking oil...
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"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"
"Yes Lionel, it is, now I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave Sea World now because we've had reports that you've been dancing on the sea lion. " |
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New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845. |
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There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which will leave only one country and the Persian Gulf.
Just Kuwait and sea. |
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I'm not saying the wife has put on weight, but last night she went to the gym, and they all did circuit training around her bottom.
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Two scousers are in a posh restaurant one says "I'm gonna order the venison".
His mate says don't order dat it's dead deer, you should have mutton like me, dat's dead sheep!" |
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I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid **** in morse code.
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I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.
"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short !" "I know.... Danny DeVito." |
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Madrid police have raised concerns that Spurs fans may take flares to the stadium on June 1st because that's what they wore when they were last in a European final Grin Grin
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"Darling," I said hesitantly. "I don't want you to get angry, but I have a tiny criticism about your weight"
"Don't worry, " she replied. "I can take it on the chin." "Er, which one?" |
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Prince charming drew close to Snow White. he put his lips to her ear.
"BEFORE I KISS YOU I JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS CONSENT FORM!!" |
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The wife had a terrible time at the beach this morning.
A bunch of conservationists tried to tow her back out to sea. |
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New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845. |
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Thank you, Tesco for exposing me to the joy of a future career as a checkout assistant.
Can I expect a regular wage now that I have to scan and bag all my own items? |
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The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me.
If you're wondering why she's typed 'everything' in capitals, it's to emphasize the point. |
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I bet you £4,150.95 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
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Be wary of your girlfriend wanting a dominatrix outfit, they are usually white and flowing with a veil.
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I've just found out I can suck my own ****.
Never try to kiss a female judo champion who's carrying a Stanley knife. |
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Jokes told by Jeremy Corbyn
Q; What’s red and doesn’t move? A; Me * * * A socialist lion walked into a bar, the barman said: “what’s the big Clause Four?” * * * How many shadow ministers does it take to change a lightbulb? I don’t know. The lightbulb tends to outlast them. |
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Check your messages Mo
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Have replied to you akabula.
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I beat my rivals by inventing the world's first book made from onion skin.
Read it and weep! |
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A piece of string goes into a pub and says "pint of lager please"
The barman says sorry I don't serve alcohol to bits of string you will have to leave" The string leaves and ties himself into a bow and backcombs his hair and goes back in and tries again. The barman says"you're not fooling me you're the same bit of string that came in 5 minutes ago" the string says "No I'm a Frayed Knot" |
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I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, "Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"
The man said, "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race." I said, "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?" "No," he replied. "Oh," I said, "And why's that?" "This is a hot dog stand." |
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I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met!
Some people think it's clever to take drugs. Most of them are Custom officers Things that keep me awake at night: Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? What do people in China call their good plates? |
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I used to have a picture of Tony Blair pinned up on my wall when I was growing up,
He was always a great influence on me. To be honest, I wouldn't be the great darts player I am today if it wasn't for him. |
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Can't wait for the new series of Doctor Who. The BBC has just announced that the Doctor will face her most deadly and evil enemy yet, the scourge of the universe, nemesis of all things...
The straight white male. |
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I wouldn't say my wife was fat but she has a curtain rail in her knickers instead of elastic.
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lol.
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I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
“ Identify it “. She replied |
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My wife was thrilled when I bought her a vintage American chair for her birthday.
"Now, just you sit there darling," I said, "and I'll do up the wrist and leg straps and plug it in." |
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I've been helping Art Garfunkel extend his kitchen, and was putting the concrete down for the floor but there were loads of air pockets in it so it was all uneven.
I ended up putting some white goods over the top to hide it. Now he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar. |
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Sesame Street taught me the importance of love, education and empathy
Bugs Bunny taught me the importance of quick ruthless revenge |
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What do you call a spider wearing a raincoat?
Anoraknid. |
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Jamie Oliver's Italian restaurants have been put into administrone.
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I'm so angry that made me giggle.
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