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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I got a few body piercings on holiday last year.
Went to London. |
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BBC camera man dies after falling out of a tree in africa.
He had climbed the tree to get closer to film several lions mating . They do say Pride cometh before a fall. |
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I took my clarinet back to the music shop,
"I don't know what it is, " I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune. " "Let's have a look, " said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet, "ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed. " |
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"Certainly," I replied. "My wife's best friend on Monday and Tuesday, my secretary Wednesdays and Thursdays, the cleaner on Friday night and the babysitter over the weekend."
"Very nice," said the doctor. "But when I asked if your affairs were in order...." |
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*NEWS Flash* Wagon carrying a lorry-load of wigs overturned on the motorway.
Police in attendance and are now combing the area. |
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A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub.
The barman says "What can I get you, Mr Corbyn?" |
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He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
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an old one. teacher. children to todays word is contagious,anyone know the word? yes sally .went to visit mum in hospital last week doctor
wouldnt let me in because the illness was contagious,very good sally. jack holds up his hand,miss,miss,yes jack ? my dad took me for a walk in the park last week and a man was painting a a fence with a 2 inch brush,he said to me its gona take the **** ages to paint that fence. i will get my coat |
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****,i dont spell well bf
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Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery. Paddy says Jaysus, there's a bloke here who was 152!
Mick says, what's his name? Paddy replies Miles, from London. |
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Male Sensitivity Training
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. "Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. "And, gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" |
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"Certainly," I replied. "My wife's best friend on Monday and Tuesday, my secretary Wednesdays and Thursdays, the cleaner on Friday night and the babysitter over the weekend."
"Very nice," said the doctor. "But when I asked if your affairs were in order...." |
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Thieves in a stolen car were apprehended after a 100mph chase by Police Constable Wainwright who followed them on foot. Said PC Wainwright: ‘I had no choice. They shut the door on my truncheon.’
Ronnie Corbett |
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Prevent crashing in a light aircraft by only travelling in dark ones.
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I've just moved into a Green Belt area.
Everyone I've met is half decent at karate. |
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 some gems on there Bigmo, I'll be using the golf bag one at the club tomorrow... |
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workrider
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My son was hooked up to all these machines and wires and hadn't even moved for almost a week.
Finally, I had enough and went and unplugged the wi-fi. |
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West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door.
Ronnie Corbett |
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I just read this in an agony aunt column 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I found out he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
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I am often asked, "Is google a man or a woman?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,
"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one. " "I know, " she replied, I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue. " |
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Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
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I’ve just thought of a great joke about Rolf Harris and a young aboriginal dwarf.
Can you tell what it is yet? |
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Last night a bloke in the pub sold me a baby Stegosaurus for £400.
I don’t know how drunk I was but when I woke up this morning it’s just a cat with a Toblerone superglued to its back. |
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Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
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The couple next door have just made a sex tape.
Obviously, they don't know that yet. |
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A female dentist prepared the needle to give a man with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said. So the dentist started to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objected again. “I can’t do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!” She then asked the bloke if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection,” the patient said. “I'm fine with pills.” When she returned she said, “Here's a Viagra tablet and a glass of water.” The man said, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!” "It doesn't,” she said, “But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull out your tooth. |
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Two Chinese boys break into a distillery ,one boy says to the other: “Is this whisky?”
Other boy replies: “Aye but no as whisky as wobbin a bank” Mac told me that one.  |
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I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
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At the British Rail tennis championships this week, a Surrey engine driver was forced to retire from the mixed doubles after a low ball in the midland region left his services severely disrupted.
Ronnie Corbett |
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Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!" |
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I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
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A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £30,000 a year and you make £90,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered, "Try doing it with the engine running." |
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I tried cooking Corned Beef fritters for tea but ended up making a hash of it.
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Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
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My pet name for my girlfriend is Copious.
She says it means a lot. |
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I tickle people's feet with a feather to make them laugh.
I am a qualified Cheerupodist. |
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What do you call a Brummy who fixes TV aerials?
Antennae. |
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The Firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren. |