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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My girlfriend turned over angrily in bed. "You're only interested in one thing!" she exclaimed. "Can't we just cuddle?"
"Yes, I know," I replied. "England need 15 off 8 balls to win. Now shut up and go to sleep." |
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Boris Johnson wins election race.
I bet that’s the only race he’s ever won, the fat lump of lard. |
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Which have been the two worst winters since 1945?
Mike and Bernie... |
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As I walked past the tv I heard
“In, Out, in, out, in, out” I said to the wife “I didn’t know there was any rowing on” She said “There’s not. I’m watching England bat” |
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My nephew 22 a semi-professional cricketer scored 199 at Old Trafford he misjudged the final ball for what would have been his 1st double century, instead, the ball hit him in the chest and killed him instantly.
Still, he had a good innings. |
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A man who tried to commit suicide earlier today has been rushed to hospital, where he is said not to be fighting for his life.
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Why are the Welsh newsreaders so mean to the Welsh weather presenters?
They often introduce them as Moron the Weather. |
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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.
He was born Toby Wild. |
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"We'll have to go back, I've forgotten my tablets."
"For goodness sake, Moses. |
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If horse racing is the sport of kings, is drag racing the sport of queens?
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
...because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away. |
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I joined a march today for the legalization, of marijuana, well it started as a march but after a while, it turned into a wander.
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Exorcisms aren’t cheap. And if you don’t keep up the payments, your home may be repossessed.
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Why do laxatives have a best before date?.
If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?. |
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The worst part of being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you are probably Australian
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I bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room.
He said thanks. I said don't mention it. |
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Just read Steven Tyler's new Chinese cookbook.
Wok this way. |
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Not saying my local pub is rough, but the first prize in the Xmas raffle was two weeks alibi.
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Bigmo....Brilliant keep it up.
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Superb Bigmo!
I went to the pet shop yesterday and bought twelve bees. After I'd paid I noticed there were 13 bees in the box. "Excuse me, you've given me one too many" "No I haven't, that ones a freebie" apologies |
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Thanks jefferz and FatherMaguire.
Insurance companies are warning campers if your tent is stolen during the night you won't be covered. |
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" Would you like to start at the beginning", the counsellor asked me at Gamblers Anonymous.
" Well, it all began when I got into debt with my pocket money." , I said, "I was convinced that one day Dick Dastardly & Muttley would make it over that line. |
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Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked. |
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like that one bigmo
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FOYLESWAR
 Worth a re-post this one. A young ventriloquist touring Norway puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh1t on your lap." |
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The wife bakes me a cake after every sex session we have.
A Birthday cake. |
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G@y = Happy
G@y = Not interested in women. Coincidence? |
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To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you. I have contacts...
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One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in and surfacing, empty-handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George. The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!” |
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I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me.
I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking. |
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What goes "I'd sh@g that, I'd sh@g that, I'd sh@g that ....."? A Welshman having difficulty sleeping
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I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, "Quick, I think my daughter's hamster is in serious trouble."
"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake." |
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What do you call an Italian beggar?
Giovanni Change |
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England has unleashed its secret weapon in the Ashes test series.
Dianne Abbott doing the scoring. |
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When you think about it, 'Hotel California' is just a bad 'Trip Advisor' review with a three-minute guitar solo.
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To the count who stole my glasses
In the pub last night I will track you down I will find you I have contacts |
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Just enjoyed listening to a pregnant ballerina singing...I should have danced all night !
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I was on a date with this fit girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie...Then the jet landed.
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An elderly, but hardy farmer from Yorkshire told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be. |
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One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: “Why so glum?” Biker: “What do you think? I’m in hell!” Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?” Biker: “Sure, I love to drink.” Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover because you’re dead anyway.” Biker: “Gee that sounds great!” Satan: “You a smoker?” Biker: “You better believe it.” Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?” Biker: “Wow…that’s awesome!” Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.” Biker: “Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.” Satan: “Good,’ cos Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.” Biker: “Cool!” Satan: “What about Drugs?” Biker: “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean?” Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day... Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.” Biker: “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!” Satan: “You g@y?” Biker: “No ……” Satan: “Ah! ......Then maybe Friday's aren't going to be your favourite day down here! |