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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Winner at Edinburgh...
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets" |
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The top 10 jokes of this year's festival
1 Olaf Falafel: I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets. 2 Richard Stott: Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy." 3 Milton Jones: What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh. 4 Jake Lambert: A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'. 5 Ross Smith: A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. 6 Ross Smith: Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning. 7 Adele Cliff: I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it. 8 Richard Pulsford: After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. 9 Mark Simmons: To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. 10 Ivo Graham: I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts. |
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To recast James Bond as an ethnic minority is a travesty to the memory of what Sir Ian Fleming had conceived as the suave spy.
It is ridiculous to suggest that a black person could play 007... In the original books its quite clear that Bond is a Scottish milkman, with a lisp, named Sean. |
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The Queen came down to breakfast and Prince Charles was sat at the table.
He asked "What are you doing today"? She relied "I have an official engagement in Leamington Spa but i'm not sure what headgear to wear" He said "Leamington Spa.....wear the fox hat"  |
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What's the difference between a solicitor and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead. --------------------------------- The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.” ------------------------------ Some Of The Most Hilarious Things That Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded To Be Said In Court - originally reported in the Mirror ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ----------- ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people ----------- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ------------ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… -------------- ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ---------------- ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! |
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There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.
It's used in chemical dwarfare. |
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I bought some Jelly Babies in Aldi.
I’m a bit disappointed they’re not called Aldi Young Dudes. |
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I've always fancied having a go at Bell Ringing, so I became a Jehovah's Witness.
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't" I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. |
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 Aspro |
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Why did the 99-year-old woman cross the road?
So she could pay her TV license and avoid prison |
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"I'm afraid your wife has been run over by a bus," said the police officer.
"Don't be daft, I don't believe you," I replied, "She wouldn't fit under a bus." |
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My 5-year-old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden...
...20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore...ungrateful so and so! |
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The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress ...
I thought it was Fred Flintstone |
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A mate of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge...
He eventually came around. |
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Congratulations to India ... must be the only country in the world with a moon landing programme and no proper sewage system.
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Aspro
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I have every right to call my dad a w@nker.
I’m a test tube baby from 1981. |
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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia
I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s atrocious. |
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Got some great news today! My doctor has encouraged me to m@sturbate more often!!!
Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time... |
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The new James Bond will be a woman, but she's pretending to be a man.
A secret cervix agent. |
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Bloke at work has got florets syndrome, after being the 20th person to tell me that joke, I twatted him and gave him a cauliflower ear.
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I just hope if Boris strikes a deal with Angela Merkel he makes sure she shakes on it.
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When people call me a bald idiot.
I say it's a solar panel for the love machine. |
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The new female bond codename Double Ovary seven?
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I've just visited Grimsby. They're so lazy they fly-tip in their own front gardens.
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I’m not saying she used to be a loose promiscuous woman, but before I met her the only thing she ever used for protection during sex was a bus shelter.
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My first night in jail, to be honest, I was feeling a little down in the dumps and my new cellmate was trying his best to cheer me up.
I was not in the mood so I made the silly mistake of telling him to pack it in. I still can't sit down now. |
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Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts
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Nice ones bigmo,had to look twice there.
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Corbyn to the Queen in a letter, 'Plese stop Boris!'.....reply from her Magesty.....bet you wished you had sang God save thee Queen you c...t!.
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Boxing
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"Grasshopper, when you can snatch the pebble from my hand it will be time for you to lea..."
"Ah, best out of three?" |
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I have tried everything to get my wife to shut her mouth and stop talking but nothing works...
So enough is enough, I'm calling it a day. I'm throwing in the towel. |
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boris johnson and nicola sturgeon both get into a lift boris has his finger hovering over the up/down buttons he asks nicola 'up or down' she replies as the door shuts 'its definetly down'
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Just found out I've missed the PPI deadline.
They kept that quiet! |
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i still enjoy sex at 87, i live at no 54 so it not far to walk
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According to a study, it is possible to predict where you live based on who your celebrity crush is.
I live in a van outside Rachel Riley's house, so take a wild guess. |