Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

A Catholic Priest and an Anglican Vicar are having their weekly chat.

The Vicar complains that his bike has gone missing and he suspects that one of his congregation has stolen it.
"I need that bike so much," he explains, "I need it to see all my parishioners!".

The Priest sympathises. "Maybe you should shame them into returning the bicycle. Preach a sermon on the 10 commandments especially on 'Though shall not steal' and shame them into returning the bike".
A good idea agrees the Vicar.

Next week, they meet again. "Did you get your bike back?" the Priest asks. "Yes," the Vicar replies. "So the Sermon worked?" the Vicar enquires. The Vicar says it didn't.

"As I was writing the sermon, I got to the sixth Commandment and I remembered where I had left it".

A young lad is rummaging in the garage and finds his Dad's welding helmet and gauntlets. He puts them on and starts pretending that he's Darth Vader. After a while, he finds an old broom handle and starts waving it around like a light sabre.
He's having great fun and starts running up and down the street still playing at being Darth Vader.
Not long after, a very posh car pulls up and the driver leans out of the window and says 'Hello there, young man. Would you like to come for a ride in my car?'
'OK', says the boy, and climbs in the back seat.
So they're driving along, and the little boy is fascinated with the car. He's pressing the button to make the windows go up and down, switching the little courtesy lights on and off, swinging the middle armrest backwards and forwards and generally messing about.
The driver says to him 'If you do something for me, I've got a puppy that you can stroke.'
'Er, no thank you, sir.'
'I've got a big bag of sweets you can have.'
'I don't think so, sir.'
'You can have the puppy instead of just stroking him.'
'Sorry sir, but no.'
'What if I gave you £50?'
'I'm afraid not, sir.'
'£100?'
The little boy goes quiet for a few seconds and then says 'I think I should be honest with you, sir.....I'm not a real welder!'

Jürgen Klopp asked Trent Alexander-Arnold if he had any Euros he could borrow,

Alexander-Arnold replied, " Sorry I've only got Sterling in my pocket."

I'd never cheat on my wife because............................I really love my house.

Going to take the grandchildren to see a Saudi themed Panto, It's called Ali Babba and 40 guys with one hand.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar... the barman says "Oi, get out! You lot are well out of order!"

I called a bloke into my office yesterday and said " I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go for all your sterling work"

He said "that doesn't make any sense"

I said "it does, you go missing half the time' always ducking and diving and today you were crying like a slapped @rse b1tch and punched another member of staff in the canteen"

Greta Thunberg has just released her charity single, There won't be snow in Antarctica this Christmas.

The teacher asks Billy;

If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?

Billy; Five

Was walking in the jungle and I saw a money up a tree holding a can opener.

I shouted up, jokingly, 'You don't need a can opener for a banana!'

He said, 'Its for the ****g custard'

*Monkey

Madrid council are to begin a 'humane cull' of thousands of parakeets as the population has grown from 9,000 to 12,000 in three years.
Councillors have told the people of Madrid not to worry, as although the birds will be culled humanely, but they promise to carry on torturing bulls with spears and swords for their entertainment.

My Grandma suffered a terrible seizure this morning, 40kg of heroin!

My favourite thread on the interweb. Thankyou Bigmo for making everyone

Thank you EricShunn.


Lost your sleeping tablets?

Not to worry, there's women's football on the telly.

Mi mam would also say, sit down before I knock you down :-)

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks in cartoons

My Dad, referring to his best mate's breath - "His breath would knock the fleas off a hedgehog".

An auld man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas

Eve and says, “I hate tae ruin yer day but I huv to tell ye that your maw and I are divorcing; forty-five years ae misery is enough.”

"Dad, whit are ye talking aboot?" the son screams.

“We canny stand the sight ae each other any mair” the father says.

“We're sick and tired ae the sight ae each other and I'm sick ae talking aboot this, so yae need tae call yer sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like

hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care ae this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “Ye urnae getting divorced. Don't dae a single thing tae I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll baith be there the morra.Until then, don't dae a thing, DAE YE HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The auld man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! I telt ye I'd get the weans here the morra for Christmas and they're paying their ain way."