Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
She's got teeth like a row of bombed houses
|
|
By:
bigmo - is it too soon for the Christmas insomniacs joke?
|
|
By:
I never gave it a thought, to be honest.
|
|
By:
'Enter new password'
'chicken' 'Password must contain a capital' 'chickenkiev' |
|
By:
'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.
|
|
By:
"Above Us, Only Sky" is the motto of John Lennon Airport in Liverpool, a line taken from the classic song 'Imagine'
The baggage handlers motto is also taken from the same song. "Imagine No Possessions" |
|
By:
How can you tell when your boyfriend is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. |
|
By:
Black Friday is a right con, I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon, and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD
|
|
By:
200 complaints about the same-sex dance routine on Strictly.
Must have been really bad, I once saw a cow get fisted on Countryfile and nobody batted an eyelid. |
|
By:
Abbotts just announced that every household will get free broad beans by 2030
|
|
By:
More chins than a Chinese phone book
|
|
By:
I'm so glad I didn't post my Jim'll fix it letter when I was a child...
..it said "Dear Jim please could you fix it for me to walk like John Wayne |
|
By:
Doctor Doolittle, if you are reading this, could you pop round to my house and tell my neighbour's dog to shut the f*ck up.
|
|
By:
What do we want?
rights for midgets when do we want them? shortly |
|
By:
I was talking to my mate in the pub who has a stutter. He said, "I only wa, wa, wanted, one, one, one up, for, for the pools. One, one, one tea, tea, team let me me. d, d, down. B,B,B,B..... He was struggling to get his words out, so I said Brentford? He shook his head and said, B, B, B, B........ I said Burnley? He shook his head again, B, B, B, B..........getting exasperated I said Birmingham! He said, n, n, n, no, b, b, b, b, bloody Chelsea......
|
|
By:
My old man, If your brain was made of dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off, he could smoke a cigar in the shower with that nose.
|
|
By:
POLLSTERS: Don't bother asking 16 and 17 years old which way they are going to vote.
Half of them can't decide what gender they are yet. |
|
By:
‘Man dies after getting trapped upside-down on 290ft chimney for 15 hours’
Quickest flue-related death this year. |
|
By:
You were that ugly as a baby your pram had shutters
Your head looks like a skating rink for lice |
|
By:
You were so ugly when you were born that the midwife slapped your mother.
|
|
By:
Back in the day, I was in a band called Sadiq Kahn
We refused to support the Police |
|
By:
What do you call an elf who wins the lottery?
Welfy |
|
By:
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends |
|
By:
Just off the press-Greata is releasing a Xmas single--"Baby its Cold Outside"
 |
|
By:
Feeling depressed I decided I would follow Nicolas Cage's example in "Leaving Las Vegas", move to the eponymous city and drink myself to death.
After a quick check on my bank account, I took a day trip to Clacton and had a couple of pints. |
|
By:
More old sayings
He looks like a gipsy's dog, all ribs and bollox,...she could crimp pies with those teeth... He smoked more Embassies than the SAS!! My grandma came out with one earlier "if you ever grew up you'd be daft" |
|
By:
some not so old sayings ..........shes been shot at more times than bonnie and clyde ,shes seen more japs eyes than a tokeyo opticion ,had more men than the grand old duke of york.
|
|
By:
I got knocked off my bike last night by a council lorry spreading salt.
‘You idiot’! I shouted through gritted teeth |
|
By:
Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs Claus had burned all the mince pies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking sherry all afternoon and were dead drunk. And to make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!" He continued, "I sent that stupid little Christmas fairy out hours ago to find a tree and she isn't back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Christmas fairy opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind her. She said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of fairies on top of the Christmas tree got its start. |
|
By:
When I was a kid it was Dover for the continent and Bournemouth for the incontinent.
|
|
By:
What do you call a Muslim who has a goat and a camel
Bisexual |
|
By:
I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world.
In fact, I hold the record. |
|
By:
If I had a pound for every gender there are these days, I’d have £2
|
|
By:
 some good ones bigmo ,keep em coming. |
|
By:
Thanks snowynoon.
A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide. Their ' Melon - Cauli ' smoothie has now been withdrawn. |
|
By:
Man neglects, abuses and beats his wife every day for 9 years.
Finally, she says enough is enough and says she is going to leave him. The next day he comes home with flowers, and fine jewellery and he promises from now on he will treat her right and begs her to give him another chance. The best way I can describe the bull carp the tories are coming out with at the moment. |
|
By:
Sky news
Marco Silva sacked End of an error. |
|
By:
I had the police knocking on my door earlier...
"We are going to have to ask you to take your Christmas decorations down, sir, as the Muslim family across the road find them very offensive." "Horse sh*t. Why should I?," I said, "We celebrate Christmas here, so if they don't like it, they can **** off back to whatever **** hole they came from." "That's your opinion, sir - and we respect that. Just make sure you put them up on your own house next time..." he replied. |
|
By:
In a few days time, all those young and immature people are hoping that an old man with a beard is going to give them loads of free gifts.
Those of us in the real world are voting Tory. |
|
By:
I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.
I used a Squeegee board. |