I was driving home from the pub the other night when a police officer stopped me, suspecting I’d been drinking. I admitted I’d had one or two, so I asked him how he knew, and if I’d been weaving all over the road.
He said, “No sir. Your driving was perfect. It was the presence of the fat ugly munter in the passenger seat that gave you away”.

My mate spent thousands stocking his pond with exotic fish.

You wouldn't know it, you never see them, they're extremely coy carp.

Thanks, Aspro. Always hope one or two of them raise a giggle.

New technology moves too fast for me these days.

Just tried to wipe the dust off my phone's screen, and now I have a 12-month subscription to Netflix.

I was fcuking my wife last night and she looked at me  and
said “i’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse”
As soon as i did it, she screamed!
I guess maybe next time i should wait for the bulb to cool down first

I'm a very discerning whisky drinker.

I spend ages comparing them until I can find the cheapest.

I called my boss and told him I couldn't make it to work today because the wind had blown leaves onto my car in the night.

"So? Just wipe them off," he said.

"Well, they're still attached to the tree," I replied.

Why is it that animals have only two genders?

My wife said I'm always rude to her and that I'm a sexist pig...

I told her to shut it, I refuse to be spoken to like that by the kitchen staff.

Eager to impress my new vegan girlfriend I cooked her a "Mixed Grill" of aubergine, carrot, courgette, red onion and sweet potato.
"That was delicious," she sighed as she sat back. "You really have got the hang of cooking a good vegan meal."
"Yes," I beamed. "My secret is that I fry everything in bacon fat."

I don't like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher.

I was in a dark place at the time.

I'm off to my works Christmas do at the urology department.

It's bring a bottle.

Happy Christmas Bigmo and thanks for all your wonderful jokes over the years, you made me laugh when I really needed too, so thanks again mate.

Many classics bigmo. Thank you for the smiles and laughs. Great stuff indeed!!

Sharing a birthday with you know who is a bit special. Have a good one.

Mate of mine got a job in the Picadilly toilets as an attendant. When I met up with him I asked how it had gone up to now. Terrible,he said, we get posh blokes coming in and taking young men into the cubicles, others smoking fragrant cigarettes and we have to pick up used needles all the time left by the addicts shooting up. It was good today though,a bloke came in and had a sh*t,it was like a breath of fresh air

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

For my first question on Mastermind, John Humphrys asked...
"William the Conquerer used many tactics to defeat Harold, what clever instruction did he give to his archers that finally won the battle?"
I answered.."Sorry, John but I think there's been a mix-up, I asked for questions on Norman Wisdom."

WARNING...

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

My Archimedes Heel is Greek references!!

Thanks Aspro.


In 1969 man walked on the moon.

In 2019 man is walking on eggshells.