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Due to signing a very unfavourable contract in a fashionable Dulwich wine bar one night when she was p1ssed out of her brain, Linda Barker is personally reponsible for selling every DFS sofa until October 2008. The penalty clause, if she should fail will cost her several times her lifetime royalties.
Next: Tit for Tat. |
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Tit for Tat was covered in the Linda Barker / DFS entry.
Next: The Princess Royal and her Varicose Veins |
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ttt
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Varicose veins can be caused by standing for long stretches of time. Since therefore the Princess Royal spends inordinate periods of time standing while talking to strangers and since she has the blue blood of aristocracy to start with , it is no surprise that , since she is bred in the purple, her legs are marked by unsightly venal bulges of an indigo-like hue. She valiantly tries to hide this affliction by wearing blue stockings but it fools no one really . It is not known what colour suspenders are used to support the royal hose.
next: suspender belts |
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Suspender belts are the required mode of dress for all Betfarians as they come in very handy for tucking betting vouchers into the elastic straps when you have a 'hot tip'. They are even more useful when the said tip comes in last and you can then dangle by the throat when they have been attached to the nearest yardarm.
Next: Swinging |
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I once went to a swingers night at the Brown Horse, it was however not at all what I expected and when I produced the keys to my car the barman put them behind the counter and would not return them to me until the next day.
Next: The 60s |
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The 60s were the most amazing decade ever. It was then that sex started up and all that Larkin about. Everybody looked like George Best , long locks ,sultry looks . Political revolutions sprang up everywhere so we got the same scams but different scammers.The 60s did a great job of separating the 50s from the70s.Most people who were in their 60s in the 60s are dead now.
next. The seventies |
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The 70's are usually recognised as the most horrific decade of century since the Great Wars. Remembered for Olympic bombings, terrorist hijacks, Nixon bombing vietnam on Christmas day, Bloody Sunday, Bloody Friday, Haille Selassie deposed only to be replaced by the murderous Menghitsu. Spain saw the death of Franco and became a democracy and in the UK in the middle of a heatwave Mr & Mrs Tourist gave birth to a beautiful baby gambler.
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Next: Mission to mars
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Apparently, there are quite a lot of bars on mars...
next: 24 hour drinking |
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24 hour drinking is said to be a bad idea. Well ive tried it and i think its great. If anyone wants to join me i'll be at home til thursday.
Next: People who say '101%' |
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People who say '101%!' are extremely stupid and should go back to school, as even the more numerically challenged amongst us know there is no such thing... just as there is no such thing as 'of' for 'have'.
Next: Teaching the dregs |
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Teaching the dregs should be banned, or at least people should be strongly dissuaded from doing so. Should everyone be educated to the same high standard then there would no longer be a willing for the "less glamorous" jobs to be filled. If ever such a situation arose then the streets would be filled with rubbish, crime would be rife and I would have to clean my own house.
Next: Cows & Sheep |
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Cows and sheep, although on the face of it being almost identical farm animals, are in fact very different species and unlike dogs where different breeds may cross, I have found. Much in the same way that pigeons cannot breed with rats although both are vermin.
Next: Prats |
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Prats invariably cross with other prats and invariably get very cross with each other.
next: The Old Rugged Cross |
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The Old Rugged Cross is a hymn sometimes played at funerals.
It is not to be mistaken with 'The Old B uggered Hoss' which many punters sing mournfully about many a day. Next: Wishing for a nice tickle |
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Saving ^
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A stranger walking through a village one day sees the village idiot fishing in a horse trough.
"caught anything" he asks condescendingly "Arrh you be the fifth today" replies the idiot. Would fishing in a wishing well be wishing for a nice tickle? Next: Ducking stools. |
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Ducking stools, the public schoolboy game, has all but disappeared. Sadly made illegal in 1979 by Thatcher, it was legalised again as a direct result of the 'Brixton riots' in '81 but never again regained it's original popularity.
Next: Thatcher's Riots |
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When builder's merchants started stocking slate tiles instead of straw there were Thatcher Riots all across the country.
Next...Humpty Dumpty. |
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it is hardly surprising that all of the king's horses were unable to put an egg back together again...
next: The National Stud |
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Tom Jones should stand at the National Stud .... progeny could entertain in concerts after racing.
next : how catholics relate to bonfires |
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catholics relate to bonfires because during the Spanish Inquisition, Tomas Torquemada held many Auto de Fe which were great ceremonies where many heretics were burned at the stake.......
next: Dolly mixtures and their use in decorating..... |
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just wated to say...sausages
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in the 1970's using dolly mixtures was cheaper than using gravel, so people used to smear custard on there outer walls and then chuck dolly mixtures up to get that mottled effect
next... sausages and tony blair/george w bush |
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Conspiracy theorists may have you believe that Tony Blair and George W Bush's 'special relationship' could be due to them being members of the same secret society and they would be right. However while there is no evidence that either are members of the Illuminati they are both very high up in the International Sausage Appreciation Society. Believed to have links to the Knights Templar organisation..this hugely influential society meets once a year in a chalet in Switzerland to discuss world matters and to taste their favourite bangers. Blair is listed as a big fan of the Toulouse variety while Bush is believed to favour a Cumberland Ring. Over the years other famous 'grand sausage masters' have included Sir Isaac Newton, Leonardo Da Vinci, Stalin and Noel Edmonds. If you wish to join ask your friendly local butcher for details.
next: Masonic rituals |
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is there no one out there with their trouser legs rolled up?
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Standing with your feet at right ankles while exposing a knee and a breast and wearing a slipper on one foot can cause amusement in some pubs. But, if it makes you a better greengrocer, what of it?
Next: Bed bugs |
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Bed bugs the sh!t out of me. I mean just as you where starting to have a good time, when you were a kid, it was,"Time for bed!". Even now it's the same.Get on a roll with the yankee racing and you hear the same shout!
Next:- Transfer balances |
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ttt
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ttt is the abbreviation for 'The Thread Topbloke' on this forum in getting this one back at my request - BillKiller.
Thank you Bill. This forum needs good threads as well as the 'throwaway' ones. Next: Superstars |
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Soup or stars is the invitation to buy a meal or get back outside. This invitaion is given to impecunious travellers and poker players in Welsh pubs.
Next: Bear grease |
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Was what happened to Athens during the siege of Troy.
No Greeks left, they were all after Orlando Bloom. Next : Springtime for Hitler |
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'Springtime For Hitler In Germany' was one of the most memorable moments fom 'The Producers' by Mel Brooks.
Next: Remembering Great Films |
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A Night To Remember was a great film about the Titanic. Far better than the latest rubbish, it was filmed in black and white about 50 years ago and starred Kenneth More.
Next: Bubble cars |
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Bubble cars are the favourite mode of transport used by Celine Dion who screeched that interminable row from the latest Titanic.
Next: Bubble brains |
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Sparky, don't you dare neglect your thread again after I asked Bill to get it back for you!
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Bubble Brains was one of the foremost rocket experts in NASA in the 1960s. A protege of Werner Von Braun, Bubble's achievements are now largely forgotten but he was the inspiration for Gerry Andersens character of the same name in Thunderbirds...although his christian name was dropped after one episode due to adverse public reaction
next: 5-4-3-2-1 |
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5-4-3-2-1 was a hit record in the 60's for Manfred Von Lieberling Mannheim. Thought by many to epitomise the age when life began on Earth, this anthem led onto the ground breaking lyrical extravaganza Do-Wah-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Diddy-Do and encouraged the world famous warbler Richard Harrisetti to go on record and actually proclaim that
"Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think that I can take it 'cause it took so long to bake it And I'll never have that recipe again... Oh, no!" Next. Where's my striped pair of pants |