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Stamp duty |
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Terence STAMP took a 10 year sabbatical to India after Jean Shrimpton left him.he felt it his DUTY to return to acting where he played the evil General Zod in Superman II
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Next Bottled Water
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robdylan, is that blue grass paint imported from Kentucky?
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"Peckham Spring"was actually tap water from Nelson Mandela towers in an episode from OFAH
Next: Trigger |
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NASA spent $97 million on the technology to purify water in space. If they had taken bottled water into space instead, the total bill for all the water used to date would be under $4,000.
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Trigger is best known as being the favourite horse of the lone ranger.
along with his indian friend, Toto, he could often be heard shouting ''hi-ho Trigger, away!' next Alex Ferguson |
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Alex Ferguson comes from the town of Govan in Scotland. Not to be confused with Rio de Janeiro in Brazil, though millions have pointed out the similarities between the two. Govan is of course also known as the place where elephants were invented.
Next: Jumbo Jets |
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Jumbo jets cant actually fly. All the passengers are beamed through the time and space continuum to their destination. This is so Boeing can continue to sell planes at 100 million.
Next topic: Banknotes. |
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Bookmakers at Cheltenham are currently taking two Bank of Ireland 1 notes to the kosher Bank of England pound.
Next; ; either Michael " I will freeze your blood " Howard's family or Tony Blair's 6m property in Eaton Square. |
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Scientists in Cambridge have discovered that Heisenberg's uncertainty principle applies to elementary human beings as well as elementary particles. Recent work on Tony Blair has shown that the more accurately you calculate his spin the less certain you become about his direction and vice versa a factor he has found most useful in his recent property dealings.
Michael Howards family have learnt to live with his strange and nefarious midnight comings and goings affectionately referring to him as 'Old Nosferatu'. They do however always keep a small bottle of holy water and a crucifix about them at all times - 'Just in case' Next:- Debbie McGee |
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The 'lovely' debbie mcgee was actually a small warthog, which attracted the attentions of midget magicman Paul Daniels while on Safari in Tanzania. Unable to import the warthog back into the Uk he smuggled her back by placing a wig on its head and some leather boots. Her toilet habits are not very pleasent.
next: the magic circle |
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The magic circle is one of many euphemisms. Others being:
starfish cadbury lane hershey highway bournville boulevard Next: Oxymorons |
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Morons are overweight sub-atomic particles. Oxymorons are overweight sub-atomic particles that smell of beef.
Next:- Volkswagon Beetles |
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The volkswagen beetle, is infact nothing of the sort. It was designed in the 50's with the intention of boosting the stagnating car market by creating a vehicle that resembled the much loved English barn owl. Unfortunately they failed miserably, and called it the beetle instead because as you may (or may not) know beetle is in fact german for 'schadenfreude'.
Next: schadenfreude |
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A degree in schadenfreude is now an essential for anyone wishing to take up a career in Britain in the realm of Sports Journalism. In fact the sports departments of all the major daily newspapers are an assault course of deadly booby traps and viscious practical jokes designed to keep their employees 'Sharp'.
Next:- Oliver Cromwell |
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oliver 'crumb'well was a 17th centuary mcvities worker who, fed up of the senseless violence of the middle management, crushed a rich tea biscuit in front of them. During the rucus which followed, a box of Roses Chocolates was crushed under foot, thereby causing the wars of the roses. In 1661 he was exhumed and post humously executed. This achieved nothing.
Next St Patricks Day |
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St Patrick's Day is in fact nothing of the sort. It is in fact
a week long holiday that they are legally obliged to take in America to celebrate ramadamadingdong. For the last 5 years Mohammed Al Fayed the egyptian shop owner has been known to waltz down Amsterdam Ave, NYC, wearing nothing but his birthday suit and a green willy warmer. It is the highlight of the festival, and brings in sometimes as many as half a dozen viewers from all over the world. Next: Mobile Telephones |
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Due to the adoption of the Julian Calendar in Ireland, St Patricks Day is misnomer, in fact it should be called St Patricks hour as it starts at !5:15 and finishes at 16:24.
Next** |
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Telephones were first first invented by crack Russian troops in the late 19th Century as a means of silent strangulation. It was only later discovered that they had other useful properties, such as the ability to communicate over long distances.
Next:- Yogi Bear |
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'YOGI had a girlfriend, do you know what her name was'
is a line in an old rugby song about the aforementioned bear and his coital antics. The irony is that bears are the only animal that don't reproduce, they were put on earth as an experiment many years ago, and have just kind of stayed. |
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next rob???
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Next: crab apples
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The Earth was a Jovian satellite until 1982 when it was thrown into a solar orbit by a giant magnetic crab apple, manufactured by a family-owned company in Sacramento.
Next:- Parmesan Cheese |
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parmesan cheese was originally known as sophistice plebora - which is latin for entrepreneur. King Ronaldo of spain used to swear by it and was known to smear his nether regions with melted parmesan in an attempt fo find a queen. He died aged 87 childless and wifeless - rumour has it that he was a virgin as well.
Next: Bad Manners |
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Buster Bloodvessel lead singer of 80's group Bad Manners was the first person to coin the phrases 'bust a move' and 'bust a cap in your ass'.
Next:- The Blackpool Tower |
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the blackpool tower is a delicacy of the north west. It consists of a mixture of **ots and sausage meat smeared between two
slices of black pudding. Traditionally served with ***** mayonnaise and salt. There is a high incidence of heart disease in th north west. Next: No.1 The Larch |
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'No.1 The Larch' was a song released into the chart by 'X-Factor' reject Shaun le Von Von after judge Simon Cowell promised to pay le Von Von 50,000 if he ever had a 'No.1 selling single'. However, le Von Von's cheeky effort failed when his song sold a total of 0 copies and he continued with his day job, being a pet barber.
Next: Louis Walsh |
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The "Louis Walsh" was a currency used in the Cardigan Bay area during the Second World War that was acceptable in the region instead of ration books.
This was possible after discovery of a loophole in the law that allowed currencies to persist above any Governmental restriction provided that they were misspelled in the original legislation. Who misspelled "Louis Welsh" on the statute books? Only Stanley Unwin, who later made a career out of gobbledygook. An enquiry continues to see if he did indeed deliberafalsively contrafristaccountigate the records. In the interim, Unwin's estate has been frozen in a particularly large freezer in Garstang. The "Louis Walsh" has a value of around 1.24 "Nickel Chapmans", or 0.17, and is not only tremendously stable, but ridiculously non-committal. Next: Forty Shades Of Green |
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Brilliant - away for two days and it's still going, ever more nonsensical. Well done all.
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'Forty Shades Of Green'
Was the original title chosen by John Buchan for his famous book, 'Native Ivies of the British Isles' later immortalised on film by Hitchcock in his brilliant, but unfinished film 'Pigeons, the Silent Killers' (itself a working title) Next: Daphne Du Maurier |
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Dahpne Du Maurier shamed by her brothers Sydney's terrible descent in to the little known and hideously misunderstood mental illness 'Biblomania'.
Changed her name to Frank Linseed and quite by chance discovered the oil used by thousands of cricketers on thier bats whilst walking down Balham Hight Street in 1976. Next:- Chess Grandmasters |
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Have a tendancy to expose themselves after doing to many "White Lines"
Next Bourbon Biscuits |
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bourbon biscuits is a euphemism for euphemism's themselves.
next: themselves |
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either i'm drunk or themshelves are wonky. Then I am in Australia so they could just be upside down
Next Australia |
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Although Australia is perceived to be a country populated by criminals, not all of them are.
Next: Craig David |
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Craig david as become enemy number one to the mothers in the UK, whos sons raid their make up bags for eye-liner pencils enabling then to draw on instant beards to look like their idol.
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next Gordon Ramsey
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Gorden Ramsey, son of the late great sir Alf, had a promising career at Kent county cricket club cruelly cut short after being hit by a china-man .
next, Eastenders |
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All Big Mo's lines from Eastenders are improvised, except "Ere, what's your game?", "What you doing with d'at", "Where do you fink your go'in?" and "Don't tell me she's ran awf again!"
Next:- Star Trek |