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Next: The Germans
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Contrary to popular opinion, the Germans do in fact have a great sense of humour.
It's just that the rest of the world doesn't laugh at their jokes. Next: Asparugus tips. |
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Asparagus is the worst tipster on the planet.
Next : Planet Hollywood |
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Planet Hollywood is the worst Planet in thw Solar System.
Next: Racing Systems |
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All Racing Systems are 100% reliable so it is best to go for one that advertises HUGE profits.
next: Toblerone |
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Toblerone was invented by Albrecht Tbler of Interlaken. The prototype mould was made from a cast of what he referred to as his "drittes Bein".
Next: Andrea Dworkin |
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Dworkin, now sadly departed, will be recalled for her lively use of honey, lime and lard in her chinese cooking experimentation, to which she was monstrously dedicated.
Next: biscuits |
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"Biscuits" was a shout that emanated from a lot of people's childhoods which involved all your friends spitting on their hands and slapping you on the head thus depositing saliva on your newly coiffed head.
Few people know that the shout is permitted to persist into adulthood and etiquette dictates that is serve as a tension-breaker. A prime example is if you are to give someone a P45 or a death certificate, you may wet your hand, ruffle the hair and shout "Peek Freans Assortment". Oddly, few people use it. Next: Sacajawea |
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Sacajawea - originally a Shoshone Indian, her name means Snake, and despite being over 90 years old, she opened the first Shoeshine stall for snakeskin shoes, in Chattanooga Station, on track 29. The Chattanooga Choo Choo is not a train as thought by so many. In fact, it' s the noise made when spitting on shoes before the final polish.
Next : Clarks shoes. |
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Nice link TGM,
far too early for me to think of anything clever enough to folow it. |
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Clarks shoes were founded in America in 1932. Their original proprietor, who claimed that they could help you leap tall buildings in a single bound and run faster than a locomotive, was discredited a fraud, and they were bought out by a group of British entrepeneurs a year later.
Next: Capes |
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Geoff Capes, shot putter supreme, ex-copper..........also kept and bred budgerigars..
next: Budgerigars |
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Its a little known fact that capes were infact invented by well known shot putter Geoff Capes he found there aerodynamic properties greatly increased the length the putt travelled ,unfourtunately the IOC banned it in its infancy claiming it was an unfair aid so Geoff left the sport to take up darts
Next: Andy Fordham |
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ignore my posts....at your peril........
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Sorry A Y girly not intentional I will do budgerigars
The rarist budgerigar known to man is native to a remote Toxteth council estate tower block,said to nest on the inhabitants sky dishes there used to be a large population of these birds but numbers diminshed when local youths started using them as darts Next: Andy Fordham |
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Andy Fordham is visible from space
Next topic - Celebrity Fit Club |
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The original programme was in fact called Celebrity Fat Club but the name was changed to Celebrity Fit Club so as not to offend Fat people. Which is ironic, because the new title is far more offensive to people who are actually Fit.
Next: The Cookie Monster |
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The Cookie Monster used to write a weekly letter from America for radio for many years. He always disagreed with the "Monster" element of his name, but it had been added at an illegal drinks party in 1959 and stuck.
Next: Martha's Vineyard |
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Martha's Vineyard is not actually a vineyard and strangely is not owned by Martha. It is actually a Y-reg Suzuki Jimny owned by Harry Belafonte in Prestatyn, North Wales.
Next: Prestatyn, North Wales |
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The quote of a police superintendent handing a coloured drawing pin to define where Rhyl is on an operations map after a murder investigation took place there.
Next: "A man walking his dog". |
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Never named, this character is the highest paid cast member in Emmerdale, as he negotiated a 'pay as you appear' clause in his contract and is in each episode at least 10 times.
Next: Soap 'babes' |
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The first soap babe was an androgynous child who appeared in a Pears soap advert (in a painting by Sir John Millais) blowing bubbles.
He/she became known as "Bubbles", and enjoyed a brief flirtation with fame before inevitable obscurity, subsequently resurfacing after undergoing some pioneering plastic surgery to enjoy a successful career both in motion pictures and politics, as the incomparable Arnold Schwarzenneger Next : bidets |
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...consist of gathering pollen, going back to the hive, doing a figure-of-eight dance to show the other bees where the pollon is, gathering pollon, going back to the hive, doing a figure-of-eight dance to show the other bees where the pollon is, gathering pollon...
Next: Groundhog days. |
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...consist of gathering pollen, going back to the hive, doing a figure-of-eight dance to show the other bees where the pollon is, gathering pollon, going back to the hive, doing a figure-of-eight dance to show the other bees where the pollon is, gathering pollon...
Next: Groundhog days. |
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Groundhog Days are days when we can't afford to eat ground beef, but we haven't gone as low as sawdust yet.
Next: Britney Spears |
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In 1892 the British Army under General Sir Timberlake Federline launched a full-scale invasion of the Kalahari desert. The indigenous pygmies did not have access to firearms but instead armed themselves with their traditional tribal hunting spears. Due to their short stature, the pygmies were only able to stab the onrushing soldiers halfway up the leg. Their weapons therefore became known as "British Knee Spears", subsequently abbreviated to Brit-knee Spears. A war reporter from the "Manchester Guardian" reported the use of "Britney Spears" in the first known incidence of mis-spelling in that newspaper.
Next topic - The Guardian |
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The Guardian is 60% owned by Al Qaeda. Not that Al Qaeda though, by Mr Al Qaeda from the United States of America. Formerly known as Al Bundy, Mr Qaeda changed his name to avoid confusion with the mass murderer Ted Bundy.
Next: Married With Children |
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The phrase "Married with children" is used by Members of Parliament in their Who's Who entries as a form of **sexual code.
The phrase on its own merely implys gayness, but there are variants: "Married with grown-up children" inidicates that the MP in question is into bondage games. "Children from his first marriage" means he likes dogging, and the number of children, when multiplied by 3, indicates his size "downstairs", in inches. If your local MP describes himself as "Married, with four grown-up children from previous relationships", remember to go out and vote next month. Next: libel. |
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Although nowadays somewhat 'mutton jeff', twas not always the case for pint sized sixties pop star Paul Simon. In fact not many people know that he once owned a small bookmakers in the Bronx and whilst trying to keep his customers satisfied along with libel he would regularly hear slander and words you'd never hear in the bible.
Next: Mutton |
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The Glamorgan wicket-keeper Daffydd Mutton often used to go to cricket club fancy-dress parties dressed as Allan Lamb.
After the sixth such "joke", his teammates' humour finally ran out and they snapped, battering him to death with shin pads. Next: shin pads. |
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Shin pads were first used in a Nottingham Forest game in 1878. Either that or it was the referee's whistle. You knew when you tried to blow it - you either got a mouthful of sock or a shrill Whitechapel Bobby sound. Anyway...
Invented in the Middle Ages. By Jimmy Greaves. I am so, so sorry... Next: Appalling puns |
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The most appalling act of punning in the history of music came when Public Enemy decided they would call their new album...
Muse Sick 'N' Our Mess Age. As far as I know, this has never been surpassed. Next: Flights Of Fantasy |
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Sorry, didn't get the hang of it first time.
Next should read: Sick Muses. |
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lol
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The sickest of all the muses was Clio, muse of history, who regularly made tasteless jokes about handicapped people. This fact came as a shock to Renault who had named their popular small car after her. Their misfortune continued when they discovered that "Megane" and "Laguna" were popular terms of abuse in many early European languages.
Next topic - Renault |
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The name 'Renault' is probably the most mispronounced trade name in the UK.
In order to sound a bit foreign and intelligent the vast majority if Brits pronounce the name 'Renno', however as any true French speaker will tell you, it is actually pronounced 'Rennult' next..pork pies |
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It is a little known fact that Pythagoras' first name was Pork and one of his many discovery and inventions was in fact the recipie for the Pork Pies to which he gave his name.
Next: Tony Blackburn |
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Tony Blackburn's mother invented the pencil.
Next: rubbers. |
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"Rubbers" means something very different in USA than the UK. It is acknowledged as a shame that Tony Blackburn's dad didn't use one more often.
Next: Cycle clips |
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Cycle clips are short films about girls getting their noses broken when knocked off tandems to advertise Twixes.
Next: Patagonian nose flutes |