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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
NONE, they never get the house! |
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Apparently, I have Alzheimer's...
Well, that's what these strangers in my house keep telling me. |
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Gay man walks into a bar, luckily for him he was walking backwards at the time
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me." |
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Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad.
That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one. |
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Knock Knock
Who's there  AHH AHH Who Werewolves of London  |
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General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." |
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Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me". His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill". So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc. Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket." She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars". "Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too". |
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An Aussie is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." "The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." "Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?" The Aussie says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times." |
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 ... |
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Betfair is holding a charity function tomorrow for forumites that have trouble orgasming, if you can't come could you let betfair know
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Young Joel went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket, a stunning MILF also went to grab it.
"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," he said. "You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to my place and watching?" "No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."  |
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I don't get it
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nor did she ... presumably
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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.” |
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." |
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A bear was chasing a rabbit around the woods, when the rabbit came across a magic frog. He said that if they stopped fighting he'd grant them 3 wishes each "Bear, you go first" the frog said. So the bear wished that all the bears in the wood except him were female. The rabbit then asked for a motorbike." poof, two wishes left." " duh, " thought the bear, "rabbit could have just asked for money and then he could have bought his own motorbike" So bear then wished that all the bears except him in the next wood were female too. The rabbit then asked for a motorcycle helmet, put it on and kick started the engine. The bear was shocked at how thick the rabbit was being, he could have asked for more money and bought his own
" Rabbit, your last wish" the frog said. The rabbit said: "I wish the bear was g@y", and drove off into the distance. |
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A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." |
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A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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RW takes his son TW to see a psychiatrist, dialogue goes something like this
Dr to TW, What do you think you need help with? TW I don't know. Dr Do you think you need help? TW Don't know Dr How have you been feeling lately? TW Not sure Dr How old are you TW Not sure This went on and on, finally Dr turns to RW and says I am going to need to see your son for quite a few more visits so I can get to his problem and help him, to that RW replied, won't be any need for that Doc, the lad is fully cured. |
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Bulldogman1's girlfriend asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?"
"Yes I do." was not the right answer. |
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Joel enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar in one hand and 50 cent coin in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the 50 cents and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the 50 cents instead of the dollar?” Joel licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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(and the banksters have been doing the same thing since antiquity) |
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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." |
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"So when are going to meet your girlfriend?" My Mother asked me on the phone for about the hundredth time
"Soon mum, I promise" "Oh son I been dying to meet her for a year now, and I hear that she is wonderful. And shes a model of all things, and takes good care of you and makes you very happy. can't you send me a picture or something? "ah Mum you'll meet her soon enough" "I can't wait, unless of course you're embarassed of us? is that what it is?" "Never Mum" "Then why can't I see her?" "Okay, okay do you really want to?" "YES" "Okay, turn on the laptop, go to google, type hot asian women cam" |
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Has Roy requested leave or is he AWOL?
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Ever had sex while camping?
It's fcking intents.  |
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Joel comes home and tells his mum that when they shower after gym class he notices he's the most sexually developed boy in the whole 6th grade class.
"Do you suppose it's due to our good genes and all the home cooked food you make?" he asks. "It's possible," his mum says "but more than likely it's because you're nineteen years old." |
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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
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A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Little Johnny, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Jonny, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
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A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
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What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish markets? Good morning ladies
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Man takes a bunch of flowers home for his wife, she says I suppose I will have to spread my legs now, he says why, haven't you got a vase
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A young Joel walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it and leaves. Another kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, "Hey, cool, wings." So he pulls off the wings and leaves. Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, "Hey look! Legs!" So he pulls off the legs and leaves. A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it and pulls of its head. Then Joel comes back, sees it and says, "Hey, look, a raisin, yummmmm".
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A lady golfer is stung by a wasp. She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.
"I've been stung by a wasp" She says. "Where did it get you?" He replies "Between the 1st and 2nd hole" "I think your stance must be a little too wide"  |
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An OLD Roy walks into a bar to be swiftly greeted by Joel's Fist. Fake ID's are a great thing.
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