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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you."
The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution." "Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?" "The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!" |
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Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.
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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00!" |
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Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?" Three words to ruin a woman's ego... "I don't know" |
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I just dropped my glasses down the toilet. Now I can't see for sh!t.
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A man and a woman met in an elevator.
"Where are you headed today?" the man asked. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "Oh, about $20." "Wow," said the man, "I'm going up to donate sp erm, and the sp erm bank pays $100." The woman then walked off angrily. The next day, the man and woman met at the elevator once again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sp erm bank," she said with her mouth full. |
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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." |
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A four-year-old boy asked his friend Roy what a pen!s was. Roy's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening Roy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his pen!s in hand said, "Son this is a pen!s. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect pen!s." The next day the Roy met his friend and called him behind a hedge. Roy exposed himself and said, "This is a pen!s. In fact, if it were four inches shorter it would be a perfect pen!s!" |
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said. |
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well, not exactly - it's her that suffers, not me." |
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hahaa quite funny Roy
... and reminds me of the one when Bill Cosby was doing standup comedy before he hit the TV and he was doing a skit where he was with this chick ... and he slipped out his old fella prior to starting the horizontal when she looked at it and laughed and said to him 'who do you think you're going to please with ... that ?" ... cosby quickly replied ... "ME"  |
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Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says,' Philippe, kiss me!'
Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Philippe?' says the startled Marie. 'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up little, Marie says,' Philippe, kiss me lower.' Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. 'Philippe! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!' They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,' Philippe, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,' PHILIPPE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?' Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says,' I am Philippe the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!' |
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oh roy
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f@cking appendix out!" |
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A middle-aged woman looks in the mirror.
"God, I look old, fat and ugly," she says to her hubby. "Pay me a compliment, dear." Her hubby says, "Your f@cking eyesight's good!" |
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“Good afternoon. Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?”
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Confucius Says: It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." |
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad |
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A doctor started having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.' But, how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked.' Well,' he said,' after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write' sauerkraut' on the back.' Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.' Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,' she explained.' I don't understand what it means!'' Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:' Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!' |
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My mate told me yesterday that he had seen his doctor and been told he had to give up sex or he will die.
I said, "Why, mate?" He said, "I've been f@cking his wife." |
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A dyslexic walks into a bra
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What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers!
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The scene - Husband and wife in bed.
The story - Husband rolls over to wife and taps her in the shoulder. Wife says "Not tonight sweetheart I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning". Five minutes elapses - Husband rolls over again and taps wife on the shoulder and says "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" |
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A young Jewish girl tells her mum she's in love with a Greek man and they plan to marry, no no no say the mother, Greek men can't be trusted, they do bad things, I can not let you marry this man. The daughter runs off and marries the Greek and after many years the mother sets off to find her daughter. She arrives at a huge house, bigger than judges, rings the door bell and the maid answers it and leaves to get her daughter. The mother stands in the house looking around thinking to herself how well her daughter has done finding a man to give her all this. Then her daughter appears running down the stairs crying a screaming, moma moma you where right Greek men do very bad things, when we were married my date was the size of a 5 cent piece now it is the size of a 50 cent piece, you must take me home with you. What screams the mother, your going to throw all this away over 45 cents
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A man had his VISA stolen but he decided not to report it as the thief was spending less than his wife did!
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I didn't realize I was dyslexic until I went to a toga party and was the only person dressed as a goat
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A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic." |
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This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of' em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them,' Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
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A Betfair forumite suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 000.
The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?" The Betfair forumite replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!! and they're about to jump in the next at Pinjarra" The fireman asks, "How do we get there?" The Betfair forumite says, "Duh, big red truck!" |
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Little Johnny returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,' 'Mum, what's sex?''
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said,' 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?' |
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'. |