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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." |
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A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl0wjobs." "Bl0wjobs !!," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here." |
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ffs
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Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?" |
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A blonde wanted to take up a new hobby so decided to take up ice fishing. She got all of the equipment and set off to start her new hobby. She found a piece of ice and cut a small circular hole in it. On went the maggot on then end of her fishing rod and in went the rod into the water. Minutes later a voice came from above which said "there are no fish under the ice!" Confused she moved further down the patch of ice that she had found. Once again, she cut a small circular hole in to the ice and in went her rod. Once again a booming voice made her jump. "there are no fish under the ice!" Confused she stuttered "God, God is that you?" "No this is not God, this is the manager of the ice rink!"
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A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. While his father was gone buying popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a softdrink. While she was gone the boy repeated his questions. "That's the elephant's trunk, son," he replied. "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end, down underneath the elephant's tail." The father took a good look, "Oh. That's the elephant's pen!s." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." |
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because,' It's a lot of money!'
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into thepresident's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,' $165,000!' and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,' Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?' The old lady replied,' I make bets.' The president then asked,' Bets? What kind of bets?' The old woman said,' Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.' 'Ha!' laughed the president,' That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!' The old lady challenged,' So, would you like to take my bet?' 'Sure,' said the president,' I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!' The little old lady then said,' Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?'' Sure!' replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:' $25,000 says the president's balls are square!' The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. 'Well, Okay,' said the president,' $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.' Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,' What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?' She replied,' Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.' |
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The bank should have closed her account for arbing.
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."  |
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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like sh!t."
"Last night was crazy." I replied. "What happened?" he asked. "Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriends flat and having a threesome." "Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked. "No, she was out." |
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What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune! |
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nearly smacked the mechanic in the mouth this arvo, when he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car!
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." |
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Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation. The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids, Yet." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F@ck, Etc |
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Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog. |
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Doubleagent goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. Doublagent downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. He downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As doubleagent slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. He sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."
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The year is 2013.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my @sshole and wriggles it about a bit. |
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i got a stick anti perspirant the other day.it said shove up bottom.im having difficulty walking but my farts sure smell sweet.
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said.' I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man' There is more than one type?' 'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied' The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked' What is the difference between them?' The lady responded' It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. |
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A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road.
Halfway to town he runs into a h00ker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested." He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck." "Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying... When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead." She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife." Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home. His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy! He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!""Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a f@ck for the duck, then I got the duck for a f@ck then I got a buck to duck a f@ck and I still have the f@cking duck!!" |
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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you". |
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Why don't vegetarian women scream during org@sms?
They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure! |
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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 kgs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes |
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A Cuban, a Japaneze guy, an American and a Mexican are in a boat.
The Cuban pulls out a box of cigars, takes one and throws the rest in the water. He puffs twice and throws it in the water. He says, "We have so many cigars in cuba, we can spare a few." The Japaneze guy pulls some computer chip out of his pocket and says, "We produce so many of these, we can spare a few." The American looks at the Mexican and the Mexican says "Don't even think about it." |
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A man phoned his boss "I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes".
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today". |
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Marriage is a bit like a card game
You start off with 2 hearts and a diamond And end up looking for a club and a spade |
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A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”
The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!” |
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A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's pen!s was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says,' Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father.'  |
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Q: Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
A: They were repossessed.  |
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Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…” |
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The priest asks, 'What did you do?' The woman says, 'I committed adultery.' The priest says, 'How many times?' And the woman replies, 'Three.' Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.' A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.' 'What did you do?' ‘I committed adultery.' 'How many times?' 'Three times.' The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.' The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.' The rabbi says, 'What did you do?' The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.' The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?' The woman replies, 'Once.' The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.' |
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My dentist won a 'dentist of the year' award and got a plaque.
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Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Last weekend I got through the first step of getting divorced."
The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Martin, Bartin & Fothergill? Everyone goes to them for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married". |