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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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My missus gave me money and said
"Go get something that will make me look sexy" So I came back drunk  |
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh!t! A talking chicken !'" |
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“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for
$1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!” “Okay, you have six months to live.” |
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Proctologist walks into a bank was
 and your best in awhile Mr Roy |
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A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"  |
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Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!" |
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I thought it was dicktheria
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A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.
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Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claude Van Dam, were talking one day.
Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?". Chuck Norris said, "I would be Mozart." Jean Claude Van Dam said, "I would be Beethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"  |
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Live_in_Hope man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out"
"$190" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said LIH. ”I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $160" "that’s still to expensive,” said LIH. "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $120". "Still too much" said LIH. ”Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist. "Perfect" said LIH "book my wife for next Tuesday". |
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Mr Roy, Mr Hope lives in the town called Hope, which has been described by many as Australia's answer to deliverance country, I assure you the wifes teeth were gone long before they got married, as were Mr Hopes btw
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Story is from LIH's younger days when he and wife still had teeth....
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Oh you mean when they were 14
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we dont take kindly to strangers in Hope, Mister
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Looks like Mr Hope is about to get his banjo out and ready to do a bit of dueling
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this is a clip of my wifes brothers cousins brother playing the banjo ... poor bastard is retarded but plays real good. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tqxzWdKKu8
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That would make the banjo player none other than yourself Mr Hope
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Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates,
where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St. Peter. "Margaret Thatcher," she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British leader. "I am sorry," he says, "you cannot come in. Your place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs. A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers, and a voice says, "Hello Peter, it is the Devil speaking. You will have to take that bloody woman after all - she is only been here for ten minutes and she has closed half the furnaces to reduce capacity." |
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In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she talks about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Steve raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because it is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nod and called on Jane. Little Jane said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom had two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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Doubleagent and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer. |
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An old man and his wife had just gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie score." After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14-7." Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown tie score." The old man strains really hard but to no avail; he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch-Sides"  |
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I don't know which scares me most.
The fat, annoying North Korean guy releasing a nuclear missile or the fat, annoying South Korean guy releasing a new single.. News just in at the Joke of the Day HQ : North Korea missile test delayed by problems with Windows 95. That is all, continue existing... |
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“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.” The man looked at him. “When did what happen?” |
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A man was sitting at the bar during a dress party when someone went up to him and said, "Hey, I thought you were supposed to dress up in something that symbolized your love life?"
The man said, "I am." The other guy said, "You look like Abe Lincoln." The man said, "That's true My last 4 scores were 7 years ago." |
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Nothing to add,(although many think I'm a joke)
But if the Red Tongue finds his thread went to page 2 while he's in Yankeebean stew land, could get ugly upon his return. |
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I like my women how I like my turkeys... large breast and a gaping hole I can stick my hand in
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FFS Roy stop holidaying
Nearly went to page 2 |
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BT
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A man called 000 and said "I think my wife is dead."
The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is the same, but the ironing is piling up." |
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Give a man a holiday and he thinks its his right to enjoy himself
Roy, priorities son. |
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Lady goes to the doctor and says doc my vagina keeps shouting go the blues.
Doc replys with Yeh a lot of c unts have been shouting that |
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Monday mike 01 Jun 13 03:10 Joined: 08 Sep 08 | Topic/replies: 2,338 | Blogger: Monday mike's blog
R4. Back. Listen Son. E/W. R5. Back. Bound to Blush. ( Much better than last start. Forgive for mine.) R5. Back. Funtantes. E/W. R5. Lay. Detours. What a fkn pisser Mike's got Saturdays covered. Joel and Co. should hang their heads in shame. Mainly Joel though. Roy will be back soon...and he won't be happy  |
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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
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R7. Back. Planet Voyage.
R8. Lay. Fav. That's The One. ( Slower tempo will bring this one undone.) Good one, Mike (Pssst , same joke every Saturday is wearing thin) |
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I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here! Then I'm asked "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now". Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
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Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread. |
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I had a Chris Brown/Rhianna joke,but iv forgot the punch line
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I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex.
It's the quickest way to deflate her. |