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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies Little Johnny, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, Little Johnny says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, Little Johnny's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?" |
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A) The Japanese consume very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French consume a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. |
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My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and sandals and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.  |
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vagina jokes are not funny...period!
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I can't find a cause for your illness, the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied doubleagent, "I'll come back when you are sober." |
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A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off." |
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." |
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got beat by a whisker-again goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” whiskers asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
He goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, no Betfair for you tonight, you can come to bingo with me tonight then. Otherwise you'll never be able to." Whiskers agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. First card, bingo, he wins $200. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he wins again and $200. And again, and again. He enters the lucky draw, worth $1000, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage. He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of $1800 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!" The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24." The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "F@ck me, I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!" |
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car..?
"Robin get in the car" |
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drunk father talking to bartender 'had to have a stern talk with 12yo son about being caught looking up ladies skirts today'
bartender - 'bit harsh dont you think? thought that would be normal behaviour for a 12yo boy?' father - 'NOT WHEN THEY ARE ON EBAY' |
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WA Election,Barnett seen kissing his ballot paper for luck
meanwhile Buswell seen sniffing his..........  |
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Santa, Banta, and one of their friend, Sunny, tried out for the same job as road stripers. The employer told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day Sunny head had painted 4 miles, Banta had painted 3.5 miles, and Santa had painted 10 miles. The employer was so exited he told Santa to keep it up and the job was his. The next day the Sunny painted 6 miles, Banta 7 miles, and Santa 5 miles. The employer told Santa not to worry, you still have a good lead. So, on the third day Sunny had painted 7 miles, Banta 8 miles, and Santa only two miles. The employer was so disappointed, he asked Santa, "What went wrong, you were doing so good?" Santa said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away." |
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Elsu owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from Lloydy "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and Elsu asks if he wants a male or female horse."A female horth," the midget replies. So he shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So elsu picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth."Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes."Ok, what about the earsth?"Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears." OK, finally, I'd like to see her tw@t," said the midget. With that, elsu picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's tw@t, then pulled him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
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Two t urds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, "man, you smell like sh!t".
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While making his rounds with a group of medical students, the doctor draws their attention to an x-ray.
"As is clearly visible on the x-ray, the patient limps because her right fibula and tibia are radically arched. Joel, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well sir," says young Joel, pondering the question, "I guess I'd limp too." |
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Bill was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Bunnings.
At Bunnings, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the friendly garden expert who happened to be in the hinges aisle, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100! "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bill had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." |
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A guy from Melbourne and a guy from Sydney are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Sydney sider says, "I want a wall around Sydney to protect our culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out." "It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?" The guy from Melbourne smiles and says, "Fill it with water." |
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Got beat by a whisker-again walks up to a pharmacy counter and asks for condoms.
The clerk at the counter asks, "What size are you?" whiskers : I didn't know you had sizes. I'm not sure. She puts her hand down his pants, feels it, and gets on the intercom: I NEED LARGE CONDOMS TO THE PHARMACY COUNTER, LARGE CONDOMS TO THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU. 10 minutes later Roy walks up to the counter and asks for condoms. Clerk: What size are you? Roy : I didn't know you had sizes. I'm not sure. Clerk: Well, I'll feel it and get the right size for you. She puts her hand down his pants, feels it, and gets on the intercom: I NEED EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU. Next Joel walks up to the counter and asks for condoms. Clerk: What size do you want? Joel : Gosh lady, I didn't know you had sizes. I don't know what size I am. Clerk: Well, I'll feel it and get the right size for you She puts her hand in his pants ~ feels it ~ and gets on the intercom: CLEAN-UP AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, CLEAN-UP AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU. |
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Like nitro glycerin, 1 touch and you blow
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A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.” |
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A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:' 'This bull mated 50 times last year.''
The wife turns to her husband and says,' 'He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.'' They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:' 'This bull mated 65 times last year.'' The wife turns to her husband and says,' 'This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.'' They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:' 'This bull mated 365 times last year.'' The wife's mouth drops open and says,' 'WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.'' The man turns to his wife and says,' 'Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.'' |
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of c0ndoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. |
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The nymph0maniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible )rgasm."
Her friend asks "Are you taking for it?" "Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies  |
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My mother-in-law once gave me two jumpers for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.
As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other one?" |
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"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you, Joel."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?" "That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!" |
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you” |
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A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it' 'Curl Up and Dye.''
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I've worked every day for the last 20 years, getting up at five in the morning, grafting until six at night, to struggle to pay for fuel, to pay my mortgage and put food in the cupboard.
Today I was offered free heating, free accommodation and free cooked meals, with the added bonus that I wouldn't even have to work for it. "I'll take it!" I shouted to the judge. |
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Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!! |
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. |
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If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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A broke Jesus walks into a hotel,puts 3 nails on the counter and says..is this enough to put me up for the night
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Confucious say : If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them, “Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is. ”
The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we’re thankful. ” St. Peter said, “NO! ” and banished her from heaven. The second blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus’ birth and give each other presents. ” St. Peter said, “NO! ” and banished her from heaven. The third blonde said, “I know what Easter is. ” St. Peter said, “Ok then, tell me. ” She starts, “Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder. ” St. Peter said, “Very good…” She adds, “Every year the Jews role away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter. ” |
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A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some @sshole's got my pen!"
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doubleagent is being interviewed for a job.
“What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.” |