Little Johnny's Good Manners! During class, a teacher asked the boys the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

A boy named Michael raised his hand first and said, "I would tell her, just a minute, I have to go pee really quick, I'll be right back!" "That would be very rude and impolite," the teacher responded.

Next a boy named Peter raised his hand and said, "Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table," replied the teacher.

Then, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I would say darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner!" The teacher fainted.

Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Paul's friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.00.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the rego papers, roadworthy etc and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000.00 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000.00 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000.00 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5, 000.00?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Roy decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Roy that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.

He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Roy felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Roy looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My pen!s is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized pen!s."

Sandy and Roy got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Roy rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Roy's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Roy ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your pen!s was the size of an infant's!"

"It is. . . 4 1/2 kilos, 19 inches!"

Boom Boom

carpet munching at the gina dina

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this was a bit too risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Mick and Moe were arrested for smoking dope; they appeared in court on Friday. After hearing the charges against them, the judge said, "You seem like nice young men.... and this is your first offense. I'm going to give you both a second chance. Rather than wasted time in jail, you could be of great value to our community. Go out this weekend and explain to others the evils of drug use.... try to convince them to give up drugs forever! Be back in this same courtroom on Monday at 9 o'clock sharp."
Monday, the two reappeared before the judge. "How did you do over the weekend?" he asked of Mick. "Well, Sir, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen! That's wonderful!" What did you tell them?" asked the judge. "I used a diagram, your Honor," explained Mick. "I drew two circles; I told them' the big circle is your brain before drugs; the small circle is your brain after drugs.' "
"That's quite admirable," remarked the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he inquired of Moe.
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156! That's truly amazing! How in the world did you manage to do that?" "Well, Judge, I used a similar approach. I also drew a large circle and a small circle. I said, pointing to the small circle,' this is your @sshole before prison. ..........' "

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a cr@p; p!ss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever f@rt in her presence.
After: You f@rt in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you f@rt in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-@ss fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You f@ck to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. ****g four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A w@nk is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T. V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

Overall evaluation
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships. .... but she suspects that you're full of sh!t.
After: She knows you're full of sh!t!!

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the bejesus cr@p out of him.

My friend in the UK ate a hamburger containing horse meat and ended up in hospital... he'll be ok, he's in a stable condition

Waitress in UK asked me if I wanted anything on my burger. I had 10 quid each way.

How do you make an American starve to death?

Jam the windows closed on the driver's side of the car.

Ted

tell us the one about the differnce between a vagina  and a ****

Live-in-Hope was having trouble achieving an er@ction decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest er@ction you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's absolutely fantastic ! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

A man who had been prescribed Viagra dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."
"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.
The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.     

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.     

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.     

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?     

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.     

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

A woman whose husband , got beat by a whisker-again often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded."Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."