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helpfull advice for betfair newbies !
helpfull advice for betfair newbies !
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Replies: 129
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it's harder to make this $hit up,if worried by a stalking hitman always carry around a radiator in the boot of your car,guaranteed to save your bacon.
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are you lonely, have no friends?
no problem, just have a second username and not only do you have someone to talk to but you can tell yourself how wonderful you are in front of your fellow forumites |
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the newspapers of choice by the well informed and pros on here are the sun or the star ,they will give you in depth racing coverage are cheap and as a bonus have half naked crumpet on their pages ,always usefull for knocking one out between races ! just be carefull you don't get any of that nasty sticky stuff on the racing pages !
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Never forget your origins......Macau, Geneva etc....
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Total p&ssd myself at that judorick exert, he seriously didn't write that did he???????????????
I think the kindest thing to say is oh dear... |
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replys to threads with phrases along the lines of ...run along sonny ,or sarcastic replys like hth (hope this helps )are especially welcolmed by posters
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ebay gambling book not selling?
you can tell your forum friends about your "new purchase" and how great it is, urging them to buy a copy of this "don't be without" item then just sit back and count the profit as the cash piles in |
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remember; if you make a profit at this game from either lots of hard work or just your quick thinking and analytical brain, then never let on
much better to be seen as an arber or better still claim to own a skim bot and you'll be elevated to forum royalty |
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if you stumble across a fast raw feed or other source for faster pics, dont admit it here.....you'll only be viewed as a thieving scumbag
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do you have a small c*ck?
put (c) after your posts so that other forum users can tactfully avoid mentioning that they have at least 8 inches more than you (c) FACT can be added to highlight that as well as small it won't go erect |
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Expecting to get banged up for breaking the FOBT in your local bookies? NO NO NO!!! You are off to your villa to splurge some of your winnings on the finer things in life.
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putting up tips and inside info from "exotic" locations like portman park and steepledowns will really impress forumites with your knowledge and worldwide contacts in the game ! and rightly so !
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One of the quickest ways to make enemies on here is to exaggerate your bets!
So don't give yourself away by saying you managed to get a fiver on the handicap snip of the day with Sid James. Anymore than £1.87 and the bull$hit detector is going to be on red alert! |
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better still tell the forum that you are trackside at steepledowns speaking to your contacts ,and will post one up after you have been given the go ahead by connections !
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if you decide to quit the game then at least change your usermane before coming back...it becomes tiresome to hear you're finished for the second or third time
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every cheltenham festival pop up with an old username so you can show the forum you immense tipping skills during the top meeting of the year whilst spamming your tipping site & disappearing again
don't worry if it goes t1ts up on day one and you are laughed off the forum, just return next year to find hundreds of new gullible potential customers following your complete guesses, repeat until you get one or two to sign up to your shoite tipping line |
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dont forget to log out and change accounts when having a conversation with yourself
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Always remember to put your comma's in correctly in your P/L.
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all regular forumites are at least one of the following:
fat gay bald mathematically challenged choose your insults carefully and you'll be right at least 10% of the time when hurling abuse |
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although judorick may well with disagree the above post !
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taken from one of the slicer (md) reports on internet gambling (c) 2009
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Start a thread where you ask how much everybody has won today making sure you post your winnings first so all the forum know you are a pro
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If your feeling suicidal always refer to to the forum first. For example take a situation where your standIng on a ledge fifty foot up and not sure if its worth going on, referencing the forum will get you advice like JUMP.
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I'm fat and bald.
I've tried ending my posts with hth ydc. But I'm yet to get a cult (sic) following. Any advice, you gay mathematically challenged bunch of tw@ts? I must admit I dont like these adjectives but "needs must" and all that  )sorry for any offence caused |
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If you've seen a poor ride, start a thread.
Better still, wait 30 seconds, then start a new thread with the exact same opinion. Best of all, wait another 30 seconds, decide your opinion carries far more weight than the other two threads, and start a thread. |
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Rule No 14 for the newbie...
If you go on a long losing run for say, 6 weeks or more and are down to your last tenner, always remember to tell the forum it is nothing more than a 'minor blip'. This always gets the respect of the whole forum back. |
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Rule No 15 for the newbie...
Whilst on a losing run, especially at Royal Ascot, ignore any jibes and prompts from another forumite asking 'another bet perhaps'? Always reply with the fact that your Swiss bank transfer is taking longer than usual. These words will hold you in high esteem with the forum and remember to add that you will be flying to Geneva to discuss business dealings with your Swiss bank manager. (don't forget to add that you have his direct phone and mobile number) This will assure you of a pleasant time on the forum and if all else fails, remember to let the forum know you had a five star lunch with the forumite 'Alain' in Geneva. This will assure you of a prosperous time on Betfair. |
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Rule No 16 for the newbie....
Don't forget to let the forum know that it was you who had the 110k to 100k on the gold cup winner at RA. Again, ignore all insults aimed at you with the word 'aftertiming' in them. Remind the forum that this isn't the first 100k wager you've had on a horse at Royal Ascot and Cheltenham. Indeed, let the forum know this was your twenty first 100k wager you've had on the rails with twenty winning. Always remember to let the forum know that it should have been 21 out of 21 but the one loser didn't lose on the track, it was lost in the stewards room due to the fact they were all on the second. And finally, remember to let all know you only travel by Super Puma to racecourses. Just those two words will leave the forum in awe and guarantee you from any previous verbal abuse. |
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* occurring
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newbies will frequently encounter a complete betfair freeze or meltdown ! this event will usually take place on Saturdays afternoons at around 2-3 pm ,the newbie must not panic this is entirely normal and expected by the established forumites , this phenonomen is known as "suspend monkey " ,the general concensus is that on a Saturday afternoon just after lunchtime the betfair staff take a well earned jolly down to the local pub for an afternoon session until around 5,o clock , naturally they have to leave someone in charge to look after the "shop" so to speak ! this is where "suspend monkey"comes in ,now suspend monkey could be an African security guard or a Mexican roadsweeper or a local pisshead or even a bird from the sunbed shop across the road ,anyone who has half a brain is deemed able to steady the ship so to speak ,?sit them in front of the controls bung em a handful of fivers and tell them not to touch anything for 3-4 hours ,what can go wrong?
now while the betfair staff are pishing it up at the dog and duck ,suspend monkey has been at the helm for 2 or 3 hours scratching his nuts bored out of his brains with a dazzling array of computers with tempting buttons to press ! inevitable he is going to press a few buttons and pull a few plugs suspend monkey is well loved by all forumites and you will see endless threads voiceing appreciation of suspend monkeys talents ,all part of the betfair expeireince that the newbie will soon come to love ! |
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This forum is littered with jealous clowns, post a winner and you get abuse, post a loser and expect a barbaric hurl of abuse for the next 3 days, I posted up 4 winners one week showing a +34 profit, I got nothing but abuse each time I got a winner, have since posted up a few winners (4 out of the last 5 posted up have won) and again nothing but abuse, add in my lays which are showing profit, AGAIN nothing but abuse, add in some pretty good advice I've given and all in all I think I've shown myself to be credible. but the forum clowns have made me out to be a bad guy and there's nothing I can do about that unfortunately.
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Foyleswar that was genius, Genuine laughter here, Thank you.
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The forum has a fewv people who copy other peoples selections but it is quite easy to find the original
poster so whe someone takes the credit just treaat them with the credit they deserve.... |
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sorry keyboard not grest
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Breedingmad is a serial loser, about 20 tips on Thursday and not one placed, I ain't taking crap of someone like that
. I'm a living legend for crying out loud, I deserve to be the poster man on this forum, I should be put upon a pedestal. |
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Horseburger is a serial liar
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I'm a serial winner tutts xx
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The truth hurts
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as a newbie your usernames should speak volumes about your personality , tipping prowess and appendage size ,the more "succesfull" forumites would have chosen a name worthy of their talents superior usernames containing words MESSIAH,GENIUS,MILLIONARE ,HIGH ROLLER in caps lock of course ,understandably command respect and threads by newbies with this type of name are eagerly anticipated by the more established forumites .
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