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helpfull advice for betfair newbies !
helpfull advice for betfair newbies !
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Replies: 129
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If you are having lady trouble and are thinking of posting a thread asking for advice from your fellow forumites you will save yourself some time by simply approaching the female and spaffing on her chebs and kicking her back door in instead.
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never be afraid to namedrop ! the higher profile the better it will give you kudos and veteran forumites will be impressed by your racing contacts and connections , a thread along the lines of .........I was down at the ivy with sheiky mo (sheik Mohhamed )and micky t(Michael tabor ) last Friday night and they said to lump on large on a certain horse at royal ascot, statements along these lines will elevate you to legendary status on here and forumites will be in awe of you!
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^ and never mention the word ''arb'' in any ongoing correspondence !
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the golden rule on here is the complete opposite of what you tell your missus you have won ! for instance if you won a grand, the rule is you tell your missus you won £100 for obvious reasons .
on here if you win £2 you must always times it at least a hundred fold ,so a £2 win translates on here as a £2,000 win and so on ! |
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Class Lads!
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If you follow golden rules 1 to 3 and your selection looses, fear not. 9 months later and after 7 further runs, should it win at 16/1, bring the thread back to the top to show how clever you actually were.
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as a newbie you may come across advice on here stating you need discipline to be succesfull ,be very carefull with this one ! I answered an ad in my newsagents window offering discipline ,I went to the address given and was met by stern looking middle aged woman dressed in leather and stockings and suspenders who tied me up and attached all sorts of strange devices to my genitalia and proceeded to thrash the bollax off of me with a whip and call me all the names under the sun and then demanded £150 for the privilidge
 ...................a very harrowring experience ..............going back for another visit on Friday |
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Sounds good, she might nail your knackers to a plank this time
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Theirs only one golden rule ... BE Honest ,, rest will follow
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That's you fooked then.
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The utter irony of Zippies post
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If someone puts a horse up as a winner and it gets beat try and be the first one to tell him what a muppet he is and that he should top his account up
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If things really go t!ts up chavman does loans at low rates of interest !
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if your bet wins you are a legend ! if it gets beat some **** is posting under your user name
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My advice is follow Tbag Paul The B and Bigmart and you wont go far wrong, paul is the forums genius, tbag is just unbelievable when it comes to winning long term and bigmark is another who knows his stuff.
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hey horse who's this big mark is he my bro
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HB
FOYDC Is that right ? |
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My advice is to start threads asking if anyone knows Thommo's tips for the day. This will make you look sharp and thrifty at the same time.
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^ or Henry Rixs... and save the annual membership fee !
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This was a funny tread
Made me laugh Thanks lads |
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WHOLE BANK is an eye catcher ,I believe a thread once got thousands of hits following its use ..
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Rule No 13 If your horse ends up tailed off ALWAYS remember to let the forum know you had a saver on the winner and ignore any posts with the words 'aftertiming' in them.
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more advice for the newbie ......if on the rare occasion you find yourself on a losing ( highly unlikely,i know ) run ....the best advice is to chase like fook ,kept unloading money martingale style on anything ,horses,football,tennis t.v reality shows ect this strategy never fails and is used by all the betfair pros ,you will have the comfort of knowing that your superior skill and knowledge will soon rectify the situation and have you back in profit in no time !
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if your early morning 4/6 tip pisshes up (goes without saying really)be sure to let all and sundry know about it ! post on the forum subtle hints as soon as said beasts crosses the winning line ,hope you boys were all my big priced winner ! and completely ignore other posters pointing out trivialitys like deductions, and the fact that the 2nd fav was withdrawn shortly before the race ,after all its not your fault it was a nonner .
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Try and make subtle references to the fact your supposedly paying premium charge, therefore defining yourself as one of the two-percent of most successful gamblers on Betfair.
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When mentioning your racing contacts, slipping in the words 'brimardon' and 'isiris' works a treat as the real pros know these are 100% bonafide sauces.
On the rare occasion one loses...just say you were kidnapped and your account was hacked. |
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if anywon starts a fred about the premium charge be sure to respond with the following
"thinly veiled I am in the 1% of betfair customers who are very successful" |
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Admitting to losing on Betfair is immoral and will be dealt with stearnly by the moderators it goes without saying you will be reported to the police.
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if a horse has won and traded at a large price in running you can gain instant respect by mentioning that you backed it at the highest price it traded. Something like "OI OI I got the £25 at 350 three furlongs out" normally generates positive replies and kudos.
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always mention your mode of transportation ,but try to be subtle ,something along the lines of " nipped over to hills today in the motor "to pick up my £500 winnings ,wouldn't usually bother with such a piffling amount but the old Ferrari don't half use some petrol " will go down well on here and leave the lesser succesfull forumites suitable impressed but envious!
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Following any 'CERT!!!!', ' BET OF THE CENTURY!!!','100% BANKER' post, always state that you will reveal the horses name just as soon as you have managed to get all your money on at a big price.
You will be expected to bring your post back to the top every couple of minutes by reminding everyone how it will sluice in by ten lengths,win hard held,catch pigeons etc. If and only if you can get your full wedge on this monster will you reveal it's name. It's only a matter of time before a big priced winner goes in and you can play your trump card, or should I say your BOOOOMMM!!! card. Don't forget the number of letters/exclamation marks denotes the size of your win. A small apology that you didn't have time to post the name before the off will then be expected by all your 'followers'. |
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This thread has made me laugh
!I've used betfair for a few years but never bothered with this forum before. Judging by these 'rules' there's obviously some very sad barstewards, who are legends in their own mind, that they're poking fun at and I haven't missed too much. |
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remember daq, especially useful when you claim to have had a couple of grand on the place market and someone challenges you that only a tenner has been matched on here
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making up your own p&l or posting fake bets on the forum is seen as normal practice, save time by removing decimals & commas
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in between races, impress your new forum buddies with tales about your sporting ability, your diet and fitness regime or your new car
always remember google is your friend if someone queries your claim |
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never forget your ipad when you travel to barbados, seychelles, maldives etc, the forum are always waiting to hear how hot the sun is as you post from the beach at 2 am in the morning local time
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yes a real favourite of mine:
judorick 07 Apr 12 10:56 No joke, I am a super fit health fanatic. I have a 32 inch waist and a 48 inch chest, do 15 to 20 hours of intense exercise every week plus 2 x 3 hour full contact sparring sessions. I maintain 8% body fat and am totally ripped. Tee total, I live on a superfood diet, mainly raw organic, with plenty of wild food too I am 45 but many people have told me (when they dont know my age) that I look 30 to 32. I have a property portfolio including a frontline apartment on the beach in Fuengirola, a villa in Mijas and a dozen plus rented out in London including 2 buildings with 8 flats and 12 flats life is hard |
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single. live in a bedsit, broke?
no problem, cut and paste some pictures off the web of your chosen life and hey, you're a high roller! |
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tom,
all characters appearing in this article are fictitious, any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental thank you |
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as this thread extends, i think it's important to summarise to ensure that the newbie doesn't get bewildered, so please refer back to;
Johnny_Mustang 10 Jun 14 11:48 for a succinct understanding |