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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?” The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.” The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man." |
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What has Boris Johnson and Tammy Wynette both in common?
They both stand by their man! Keir Starmer:- "Why did you travel all the way to Wales in March during lockdown?" Stephen Kinnock:- "Cadw at fusnes dy hun." Keir Starmer:- "OK - that seems reasonable to me." |
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When I was in school I got asked, "What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"
I replied, "Mmm..." |
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A Scotsman is touring the USA in 1989, when he drops into a bar for a drink. At the far end of the bar is a quiet Apache native American. The Scotsman asks the bartender "Who's the big fella in the corner?". The bartender replies "The Apache? He's the amazing memory man. Ask him any question. If he can't answer, he'll buy you a drink. If he can, you buy him a drink."
The Scotsman thinks of a hard question, and then - certain he's going to win a free drink - approaches the Apache. "Who scored the winning goal for Patrick Thistle in the game against Hamilton Accies in the Scottish Cup quarter-final in 1962?" Quick as a flash, the Apache replies "Tom Cowie. Bartender! Whiskey!" 30 years pass, and the same Scotsman is once again visiting the States. He goes to the same bar and is shocked to see the same Apache. He decides to say hello by using the traditional Apache greeting. So he approaches the guy with his hand raised and says "How!" Quick as a flash, the Apache replies "Diving header. Bartender! Whiskey!" |
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Why is abbreviation such a long word?
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Stalin went for a swim in the River Neva and began to drown. A collective farmer was passing by and jumps in to save him. Back on shore, Stalin begins to ask the farmer what he’d like as a reward, but, realising who he’s saved, the farmer interrupts: ‘Nothing! Just don’t tell anybody that I saved you!’
Another anti-soviet joke Two Soviet judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud. ‘Hello, comrade, what you’re laughing at?’ ‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest joke ever!’ ‘Tell me!’ ‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years in the Gulag for telling it…’ |
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A bunch of Indians capture the Lone Ranger and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the Lone Ranger, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"
The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver.” The Indians get his horse. The Lone Ranger grabs Silver’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the Lone Ranger. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver again." The Indians bring him his horse. The Lone Ranger leans over to Silver and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Lone Ranger. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver again." The Indians bring him his horse. The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" |
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Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?
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An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. A dapper gentleman in his mid-eighties, he’s very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and scented lightly with an expensive cologne.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies. The sharp old gent slips onto the barstool beside her, orders a drink, and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me . . . do I come here often?" |
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During a job interview I went to this morning , the interviewer said, "The wages start at £9 an hour, then after six months it goes up to £15 an hour. When can you start?"
I replied, "In six months!" |
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Do I come here often,
 , keep em coming Bigmo... |
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workrider
 I often refer to the missus as my Trophy Wife. She's not good looking or anything, she's just got really massive ears. |
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Self-employed? During these difficult times, simply dip into the money you have hidden from all of the cash jobs that you have done over the years while the rest of us paid tax on our earnings.
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A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.
Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth" The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?" The Dwarf replies "A female horth" The owner shows him a Mare. "Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down. "Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?" |
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The Seven dwarfs have been told they can meet in groups of six on Monday.
One of them won't be happy. |
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MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. |
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise with its members.
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If women get paid less for doing the exact same job.
Why would any employer hire a man then pay him more? |
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Pretend you're Les Dennis by putting your arm around a stranger at a train station and looking up at the departures board.
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DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching. DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. |
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Save the effort of clicking on Got Any Jokes thread by simply buying a Viz.
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Not sure what that comments trying to achieve Steerforth - the hundreds of thousands of views suggest that alot of people are happy with Bigmos efforts here
Anyway, while I'm here Social services are rubbish, I rang them up the other day and they flatly refused to organise my birthday party. |
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Girlfriend of mine used to have a tattoo of a sea shell on the inside of her thigh. It's true what they say, if you hold a sea shell to your ear you can smell the sea
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Or fish !!!
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"Darling...fancy putting on a nurses uniform"?
"Ooh, cheeky boy...you feeling horny"? "Nah...we've run out of bread"! |
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As Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott was asked by the interviewer to explain the Islamic schism and differences between the two major denominations of Sunni and Shia. After a stutter and pregnant pause to think, Diane announced: “I can’t tell you which one is which, but they sang ‘I Got You, Babe‘.”
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Just asked Siri
”Surely it’s not going to rain today” She said “yes it will and don’t call me Shirley” ... Forgot to turn off Airplane mode |
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Only remember two jokes. One is very tame. The othere is offensive.
Offensive joke. A tramp is in the park sleeping off a heavy drinking session in the afternoon. A gay jogger sees the tramps unconscious butt in the air, he cannot resist and rogers hIm. After he finishes he has a bit of remorse and puts a ttwenty pound note in the tramps pocket. He jogs on. The tramp wakes up and goes to the off licence with the twenty pounds he discovered in his coat. The off licence manager asks him if he wants the same cider he got the previous night. The tramp says I,ll try something else, I woke up with a sore arsenal , maybe some buckfast today. Abbreviated. |
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"Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" my wife asked.
Shocked, I said. 'Why would you ask me that?" "Because you have VR glasses on," she replied. |
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Abbott joke,
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I was asked if I would do a bungee jump for charity.
I said, " If I was pushed." |
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A man died after being attacked by a ferocious big cat in a circus. It's understood he had under lion health problems.
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Lying in bed the other morning, I awoke facing my wife. I looked her deep into her eyes and whispered, “Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery”, she smiled and said, “you mean I’m worth millions?”.
“No”, I replied, “because I wish you’d roll over”. |
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A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman.
The judge said, "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?" The man replied, "It got stuck in his throat". |
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CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars from stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again. VIZ |
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At the end of his trial Paddy pleads guilty to the charge of embezzlement.
The judge then asks , why didn't you plead guilty before we started and save us all the cost of time and effort then,Paddy ? Paddy replies, Only because I have now heard all the evidence , your honour ! |
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Whats Dolly Partons favourite bus?
The Woking 925 |
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What do you call a black man at a KKK gathering
Burt Offering |
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A Tale Of Two Cities' was first serialised in two local newspapers.
It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times. |
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Jonathon Ross has been arrested after saying Christmas time is a good time to put W0g$ on the fire
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