A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."


The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.


Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.


"The circus?" The duck asks again.
”With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.


"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.


The duck shakes his head in amazement and says...
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"

So far, I've never come into contact with another man's erection.

Touch wood.

“I keep randomly shouting out broccoli and cauliflower – I think I might have florets”

Thank you workrider.





An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor.

And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the F*cking Arab.

After years of studying obituaries,

I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.

all have bean reported - ewe are know finnish bigmo




made me laugh out loud!!!

After years of studying obituaries,

I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.

I just got off the phone to Sea World

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.
'This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different ****,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

snowynoon

Now that I've lived through an actual plague...

I fully understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex
maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am
doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail, etc. I
would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel
gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

cinsely ous
mdyl

john wicks film

Just got arrested at the Bureau De Change. I wanted to change my Vietnamese currency back into sterling so I asked the lady at the counter if she wanted to Pound my Dong

There's so much sex and pornography on TV these days, I just sit on the sofa shaking my fist.

GOVERNMENT: Now you have planned to raise the retirement age to 75, why not lower school leaving age to 10? These chimneys don't sweep themselves you know.

If WW3 had broken out this morning.......


Can I have more clarity on the “Your country needs you” slogan? it’s too ambiguous

Why aren’t you doing enough to prevent these air raids?

Does the siren apply to everyone?

There are only male and female toilets in the air raid shelter and I don’t identify as either.

This respirator haversack has a leather strap and I’m a vegan.

Why can't I have almond milk on my ration card

I find the term “blackout” offensive.

I find the lack of colour options within military uniforms oppressive.

Why didn’t we have stock piles of spitfires at the start of this conflict?

An old Italian been living in the USA for 40 years looks at his back yard. It's time for planting his Italian garden again, and he starts to feel sad. His son who usually digs it for him is in jail.
He writes him a letter " Dear Vicenzo, I wanted to do My Italian garden again but you're not here to dig it for me, so I'm sorry to say it won't be happening this year love papa"
A few days later he gets a letter back from his son "Dear papa please don't dig round there this year, its where I've buried  the stuff, so please stay away from there papa, love Vicenzo"
Next day the Police are around with a search warrant and begin digging  the yard and go through the whole house, but eventually find nothing, apogogise to the old man and leave
2 days later the old man receives another letter from his son
" Dear papa, you can plant the tomatoes now, I'm sorry I'm not there to help you this year, but its the best I could do, much love from Vicenzo"

My mate got mad at me for sniffing his sister's knickers. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them, or that her family were there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaah".
A sheep with no lips