Chit Chat
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CALLING EVERYBODY ON CHIT CHAT
CALLING EVERYBODY ON CHIT CHAT
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Replies: 699
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More from Harold James Crank, an old geezer with too much time on his hands : "Mr. Winkle - I also do a nice line in potted shrimp and other potted shellfish. The name of my company is "Hare Today, Prawn Tomorrow."
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Dear Crank
The only asian market I deal in is the ASIAN HANDICAP market, where all rabbits, hares, leverets and MASSIVE FLEMISH GIANTS are all in wheelchairs or on crutches. They used to have MOBILITY SCOOTERS but they kept going too fast past Dewhursts and causing harm to slow pedestrians, of which there are milly uns in Norfolk. Mr. HAYWAIN, The Chief Constable, had them all withdrawn from service. I met Norson Welles nephew, NORSON CARTE, at the DOYLE RABBIT HOPERA, he never mentioned the Lovely Rita. |
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Mr Crank, you're getting right up my bugle with your stupid puns. I shall not be here for a few days so please desist fromsendind any more crap to Velasqueeze.
I'm in Scotland tonight and Ireland on Saturday, or as Shakespeare as you like it may say, Ayr today and Gowan tomorrow. |
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It's good that you're in Scotland, Mr.Winkle. Perhaps you could meet up with Donny McCracken, a 36 year old artist from Dundee. Here is his plea, via E :
"Mr.Winkle - Ah huv been a member of yer Winkle Society since its inception in 2010. Ah was the toastmaster at the last Cutting of the Reekin' Winkle Haggis. Therefore, ah feel mer than able tae offer ye a chance tae get in at the BOTTOM of this great investment opperchancity. Ah hiv painted a marvellous picture called NAKED PLUMBER WITH HIS AR$E ON FIRE...it is 26 feet by 18 feet and is currently in a storage facility called Ibrox Park. Unfortunately, I have run oot of orange paint, so the flames shootin' oot of the boy's butt don't look too convincing. The plumber in the painting is a muscular lad, wearing only a pair of tan Timberland work boots and yon jaggy type of wool socks. He is holding a plumber's mate (or plunger) in his left hand and he has a bit of a semi as there is a bus stop nearby with a sexy ad featuring Naomi Campbell, the blood diamond lady. Ah need aboot 10,000 Euros tae finish aff the painting and market it. Could you send it via PayPal by Monday? Ah feel ma art would hiv MASSIVE appeal to the homogay market and ah can see the pink pounds just flooding in as various gay superstars compete to own this work of sublime genius...Elton John and Stephen Fry have already made enquiries. Ah'll cut ye in for 10% and a boatle a'Buckfast tonic wine." |
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This is Winkles Answering Text Service (aka ****.S.)
Your message has been acknowledged and will be dealt with at the earliest opportunity. Tnank you for using this service. |
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More tools on this thread than you'd find in your average B & Q Shed. [:(]
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^^^biggest one just arrived
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" He is holding a plumber's mate (or plunger) in his left hand and his rampant penis in his right" painted underneath is the motto. ....If you can't fix it fcuk it!.
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Ronald Greig, 25 year old pro gambler from Northants : "Mr.Winkle - what is the best time of year to plant potatoes?"
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Velasquez, do you have Ron Grieg's contact details, that basturd owes me £2500 from Chelters 2 years ago![>o].
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Donny McCracken, I have tae know which football team ya supporrrrt before I can consider throwing 10 larrrge, in yoorrrros, into the homogay community.
I'm in Irishland at the moment,so it may be some time before I get back to you. I have to vist a certain pub in Dublin to colect some wonga. ============================================================================ Mr Grieg, I know nothing of potatoes. Please forward your messages concerning spuds to 'Thomas Toes Hesquire' on the chit chat pub thread. And by the way, your piano concerto was crap. |
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I would advise Mr Grieg to plant potatoes all year round, everyday, for the rest of his life. That way, he will surely find inner peaceful harmony and can gain true insight to the mind and whimsies of the great spud. Something only the MASSIVE oracles of all time are priviliged to encounter.
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Tommy is the King of Spuds
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Boxingthefox - I only have Greig's Email address but I have a feeling it was set up in haste. You will have to recover those debts by other means. Perhaps Greig should resign from the Winkle Society and join the League of Toes.
Donny McCracken is a Dundee FC supporter, Mr.Winkle. There are some people who believe that the Dundee team, managed by BOB Shankley - Bill's brother - the team that reached the semi finals of the European Cup - were the greatest [:o] British club side of all time! You must bear this in mind when you speak to Donny McCracken, the man who painted NAKED PLUMBER WITH HIS AR$E ON FIRE. |
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PS - McCracken Emailed me this morning, Mr.Winkle, and for an extra 5K he offered to paint a bucket full of icy water next to the plumber's fiery butt.
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Ha can go and fack himself.
I'm no putting my wedge behind a Dundee supporrrrter who paints MASSIVE works 'o' fart, with buckets of ice water, or not. If he had been a St Mirren supporrrrrrrrter I may have sent him a few squid. But now, he gets nothing. |
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Bugger.
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vel...Greig should resign from the Winkle Society and join the League of Toes.
He certainly "had it on his toes" with my dosh.  |
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Fleet of foot & mentally agile. Sorry - meant that to be a SAD one... |
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Vernon Blasic Bodil, 58 year old bank clerk, Emailed this one from the hunting fields of Shropshire :
"Dear Mr.Winkle, I have been a member of the Society for some considerable time now and I treasure your weekly newsletter. By day, I am a lowly bank servant, seemingly trapped in a dead end job. At night, I don't sleep too well, so I generally post piles of inscrutable sh1te on Internet forums. However, if the weather is good, as it generally is during the Great British Summertime, I go hunting for badgers. Not that I kill them, you understand. I am too sensitive by nature to do full exterminations, and I am certainly NOT - repeat NOT - some kind of insane, blood thirsty Serbo-Croat night-hunter who does this for fun instead of profit. It is their hair I require, so I sedate the creatures by darting their blood with an 80% solution of PLARKOTEX, then I can fully shave the badgers with Sainsbury value range safety razors. I need badger hair for my range of LUXURY shaving brushes -- The BODIL BADGER BLEND BRASS BRUSH -- or 5B for short. This shaving can be a tricky business as the badgers can be seriously miffed when they come round from the PLARKOTEX darting. I intend to retail the 5B at approx. £80, as it is a quality product, made of brass and weighted with the finest sand, imported from Troon. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I require £4,800 inward investment as I have run out of PLARKOTEX. I have heard, Mr.Winkle, that you are a bit of a soft touch so give me the cash as soon as poss. --- A.S.A.P. and I will cede 2% of next month's sales of the 5B to you. Ta you big bast@rd." |
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Excellent, Vel!
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'I liked the product so much, I bought the company.'
I'm not Victor Kiam. But I've lumped in with TALL Peter Jones, SCAWTISH Duncan Valentine and Theodopolous Parakeetis, and we're sending £5 large up on Deborah Heathens back, she's strapped to a GROSS of carrier pigeons. We reasoned that the sh1t may do her complexion some good. And we only want 51% of the company. What do you say Mr Bodil, you want some ? |
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Vernon Blasic Bodil went thusly, with a top Email, Winkle -
"Mr.Winkle...Mr.Winkle...so you are not interested in the market for scalping badgers to create LUXURY products, eh? You give to THEM but not to I, Vernon Blasic Bodil ! Come on, mate - bring it on. I have tackled vicious male badgers at night, with no more than a child's plastic spade and Sainsbury's savers safety razors (12p for 5) as weapons. I will maulicate you and use your guts as the basis of a LUXURY product, retailing in Gentlemen's Stores. BACK DOWN NOW, like a badger in thrall to a higher force." |
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Up, for Bodil.
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Blasic Bodil,
it does not bode well that you ignore Debroar Heathen on pigeons with 5 grand on her person. Unless you shot her down in error. Thats's not our fault as she was draped in Croatian flag. So you owe me, Jones, Parakeetis and Valentine 5 grand. If you not pay 5 grand, Bruce Willis will dress as Jekyll and introduce you to Kalashnikov, from the wrong end. There will be no escaping our broth......sorry wrath. And after you pay monies, when we find your PLARKOTEX supplier, you are out of business, we will take over your empire for ourselvesm then close whole bizniz with big warehouse fire and insurance claim. We don't need no stinking badgers. |
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brilliant!
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.... (mutter) ....
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ffs.
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up for Maczysz Dzieduszycki
in case he pops in |
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Up for, Joseph Conrad.
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No Emails again, today, Mr.Winkle, except this one, coming at you like a stale pie baked by a mother who did not care for her children.
Please send money to help those children."My WINKL -- my name PRZEMYSLAW TARASZKIESWICZ. i arrive Beds. near you cuntRY -- here is my song. I GAMEKEEP bEDS. ESTATE for gents the kind e rich that buy to shave with badgerz bottomz hair. Kill kill kwik & rapidsz BANK BANG!! I qalify as goalkeeper and destructs PARTRADGE GROUZ MAGPIE LEVEREZT MOLS what beaver be availing & wide open. NOW YOU SEND PRZEMYSLAW TARASZKIESWICZ CASH MOOLA - YEAS? works is all lonly and solitary across the grass on my mindz. Hare my girl NERYS from the whale translated my SONG!! You HEAR AND PAY MY SONG for PRZEMYSLAW TARASZKIESWICZ cash bonus to become lloyd werber and I too can benefitsz ART for all TV lovers in uk too. HEAR MY SONG called -- MORE THAN PLEASANT by me & Nerys -- £800 quid will do to be a start thanx. More than pleasant Are the memories we share Like a pheasant Flying through thee air. More than nice Was the cake we ---- (NEED money NOW to end song ----)))) |
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Oh my good Gawd.
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poor man's ttt thread imo
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Mr.Winkle - urgent new Inbox entry received from Przemyslaw Taraszkiewicz, a talented young gamekeeper from Poznan in Poland :
"GIVE ME NOW TO FINISHSZ OR I PUNISZH U WINKL [>o] I CACK U 4 FUN [>o]" |
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PRZEMYSLAW
I don't care if your FIRST name is ELVISOVIC. When I employ people from foreign lands they moan about LOW wages and HIGH workload. Last one was from Nowa Huta, and I bought him a BONKBERK900 luxury shed (YES, the one with the SLOPING roof) to live in with his smelly pet badger named ABBOTT. But DID HE look after the SHED ?? Well... did he ??? No, he DID NOT, he set the thing on fire while COOKING the books to try and con me out of £1-50p overtime pay. So I did what any respectababble country GENNULMEN would do. I shot him. His head now sits on a spike in the stables for the DAWGS to bark at. I skinned his badger, but it was a bit rough, so I threw it to the DAWGS. I suggest you make your way over to Royal Berkshire where those lovely rich people who like your sort will give you PLENTY of work for MUCH monies. Good luck ...like I care. MU HA HA HA HA |