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The phrase 'I did it in 5' originated on the tv series Thunderbirds although many of the scenes where it was uttered have been edited out as they were considered unsuitable for viewing by pre pubescents. Thunderbird 5 was the home of John Tracy, the black sheep of the Tracy family who was sent to the space station for the entirety of his life for a cross dressing incident in Lady Penelope's wardrobe when he was a small puppet
Father Jeff believed the duty in space would iron out these problems but the young Tracy's behaviour gradually grew worse and it frequently became common for him to announce he was wearing suspenders and dressing in wigs when signing off his broadcasts and went into extreme detail about his fetishes that he performed on board '5' If only the Tracy family had of realised that their son was ahead of his time...he was later rescued from the spacecraft by Channel 4 moguls and now fronts a successful chat show on daytime television under the name 'Paul O'Grady' next: FAB |
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Parker called in to the local garage where FAB1 was having its yearly MoT. Having been shown a long piece of paper he rang Lady Penelope.
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The Darth Vader Lovers Committee was a Lancaster Uni society set up in 1981. It's president was Brendan Winkle and their role playing weekends led to an eventual vitcory for the Sinth. The society died out in the late 80s but was revived in the next century, only to be met with contempt, which it's President, Barbara Jinks, responded to with 'Me Sir a black man, no sir, this film pants sir, no sir'
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Next: Hoth
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In the fictional universe of Star Wars, Hoth is the sixth planet of a remote system of the same name. It is a world covered in snow and ice, with numerous moons, and pelted by meteorites from a nearby asteroid belt. Native creatures include the wampa and the tauntaun.
Star Wars producers got the idea for such a hell hole when they got lost on the A50 and ended up in Stoke. The wampaus and tauntauns are based on characters they saw in the queue outside a pie shop. Next: Ration Books. |
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Ration books became popular during World War 2. The name Ration Book describes a kind of dirty novella available under-the-counter, as it were, to titillate sex starved servicemens wives during the conflict. They were all written by Arthur Ration, who made his name in the seedy world of Soho during the 1930s.
With titles such as: Ive Got You An Extra Sausage This Week, Mrs Parkin and [i]I |
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Very good, Boggle!
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The WW2 bomber, the Short Stirling, was named after one of Scotland's most famous phrases.
Commonly heard in pubs a conversation would often go: 'Whose round is it?' 'It's Jocks' Jock: 'Och no...I'm a wee bit shorta stirling..I canna do it cap'n' The Short Stirling itself would often turn up on bombing raids without any bombs on board and was quickly spurned by the RAF next: Bomb Disposal |
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Bomb disposal can be a dangerous and stressful occupation. Sometimes I have to get the plumber out when one of my son's larger efforts refuses to negotiate the U bend despite gallons of Harpic and hours of vigourous swooshing with the toilet brush.
Next: It's a ball coc k. |
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The Montgolfier brothers were famous golfers who somehow managed to invent the hot air balloon. Their English counterparts were two gentlemen with moustaches named Anthony Duggan Ball, and Sir Montague Foxtrot Co ck. The gap in the latters name, he said, marked an invisible set of letters, and was a device used only by the aristocracy to prevent them from having embarrassing surnames.
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In the middle of the last century, just after World War II to be precise - ok, June 15th 1947 if you really want to know - there was a minor rebellion in India by a few separatists who were fed up with British rule, and fed up with being part of India. The uprising was quickly quashed and the ringleaders were caught and brought to justice. For security reasons the Court was convened on a small island in the middle of a wide river, but the locals were so incensed by what they assumed would be a total whitewash, with the perpetrators standing no chance of a fair hearing, that it quickly developed into a full-scale riot. The riot spread to other parts of the country and the British were finally overthrown, with the breakaway Dominion of Pakistan being established in August of that year.
And thats how it all happened. All because of the now infamous Indus Trial Revolution. Next: Bombay Duck |
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The Bombay Duck is not a duck at all, it's just cheese on toast given a fancy name to make it sound more interesting.
Next: Welsh rabbits. |
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ttt
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Welsh sheep are much more popular with the locals than Welsh rabbits. No-one knows why.
Next: The Forest of Dean |
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Letitia Dean, who played Sharon Mitchell in Eastenders, has eventually attended a waxing clinic for the first time in her 39 years. The hirsute actress was later quoted as saying "I'll miss it, but it had to go." Suzanne Tully, Dean's sidekick in the BBC soap, has booked a similar session at Big Dave's "No job too big" Gardening and Yard-Cleaning Ltd.
Next: Coronation Street |
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When the idea for Coronation Street was first mooted the plan was for it to be a movie of the 'kitchen sink drama' type that were so popular at the time.
Prospective director John Schlessinger had the cast lined up. Albert Tatlock was to be played by Charles Laughton, Elsie Tanner by Viviene Leigh, Annie Walker by Bette Davis, her son Billy by Laurence Harvey and Ena Sharples by Margaret Rutherford. On seeing the script however, they all turned it down so Schessinger ditched the idea and sold it to Granada TV for £3 17 and 6 and a packet of Players Navy Cut. Next Capstan Full Strength. |
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Dubbed the 'Quentin Crisp of the waves', Marine Boy (known as Flipper to his pals) is a flamboyant character who spends most of his life swanning around the Med on luxury yachts. On his rare excursions onto 'terra firma', he can be found in swanky bars in Marbella or Monte Carlo, sipping sickly**tails as he turns on the charm with grossly exaggerated tales of his seafaring exploits. Sadly, these amount to little more than scrubbing decks and rubbing suncream on portly millionaires.
Next: Tarzan Boy |
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Cadbury's introduced the 'Tarzan Bar' in the early 60's. It was a chocolate covered stick of peanut brittle. Sales were poor until they introduced Tarzan Boy onto the screens.
The advert featured a blond haired young lad wearing steel rimmed glasses who, dressed in a loincloth would swing on a vine into a group of kids and shower them with Tarzan Bars, while they pointed at him and said 'Look, it's Tarzan Boy.' Sales went though the roof. Nestle tried to copy the act with Milky Bars but failed miserably and were laughed off the screen. Next: Flake out. |
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Alien, directed by Ridley Scott, was actually a remake of a horror sci-fi movie made 6 weeks earlier by and starring Arnold Ridley as Captain Flake. Regretting their decision to allow the ageing Dads Armier to direct and star in the film, studio executives stated:
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A spin off series was planned after Dad's Army sadly left our screens due to the timely deaths of most of it's actors.
The only surviving member of the cast, Clive Dunn was to star in 'Jones The Cat.' It was to concentrate on Jones's career as goalkeeper for the Royal Fusiliers as they battled towards the cup final in 1906. It featured Jones tearing around his penalty area shouting 'Dont Panic!' to his defenders and ' Them fuzzy-wuzzy's dont like it up 'em' as he hilariously punched a Nigerian opponent when coming out for a cross. The series had to be cancelled however when Jones accidentally bayonetted himself while trying to save a penalty against Old Etonians. Next: Permission to speak sir. |
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Nightwatch with Steve Scott, the Murder Mystery Files.
The Whitechapel murders spawned a series of copycat murders in the towns and cities of provincial England. Police were baffled (they are always baffled) was this the Ripper, or just one-off copycat killings by local nutcases having a laugh? One such incidence occurred in 1890 in Liverpool. In this case the details of the murder were so like those of the Whitechapel killings that police were worried that the perpetrator had moved in a north-westerly direction, after the hours of darkness, some 176 miles, with the intention of carrying on his felonious activities in a location hitherto not previously considered by the assailant as a prime location for his (or her) barbaric murderous interludes. At Scotland Yard, the detective running the Whitechapel case, Sir Wimpole Obiter Dictum considered it imperative that he be allowed to journey to the scene of the crime in Liverpool to make enquires that would ascertain as to whether the identity of the perpetrator was one and the same. Scotland Yard finally agreed Dictum could go, as it was deemed to be of the utmost importance. In the afternoon of the 17th of May 1890, Dictum received the telegram sending him on his way. It simply read To Sir W.O. Dictum. Permission: To Speke, sir! Next: Out and about with the Vice Squad. |
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Many years ago there used to be a Schools programme on TV called 'Out and About'
One episode was entitled 'Out and About with the Vice Squad' which focussed on the 1970's craze amongst teenage boys for inserting of their manhood into a vice and getting other members of their particular vice squad to tighten it up until the member with the member in cried enough. The World record is still held by 'Flat Dick' McTool from Peckham, witha 1mm aperture. Next: Exploding Balls. |
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8 days without a post. Is this an amazing fact record?
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well, well, well..................................
B-) |
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well, well, well..................................
B-) |
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oh well, for old time's sake
Exploding Balls is the third most common cause of death in monks (after suicide and Henry VIII), due to the prohibition of both masturbation and sex, and the subsequent build up of semen. Only members of the Order of the Soggy Pyjama have been freed from its toll. It is also the main reason Cliff Richard can't get life insurance. Next: Livin' Doll |
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oh well, for old time's sake
Exploding Balls is the third most common cause of death in monks (after suicide and Henry VIII), due to the prohibition of both masturbation and sex, and the subsequent build up of semen. Only members of the Order of the Soggy Pyjama have been freed from its toll. It is also the main reason Cliff Richard can't get life insurance. Next: Livin' Doll |
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Exploding Balls
Spontaneous combustion occurs when an object -- in the case of spontaneous human combustion, a person -- bursts into flame from a chemical reaction within, apparently without being ignited by an external heat source. The first known account of spontaneous human combustion came from the Danish anatomist Thomas Bartholin in 1663, who described how a man in Paris "went up in ashes and smoke" while sleeping. The straw mattress on which he slept was unmarred by the fire. In 1673, a Frenchman named Jonas Dupont published a collection of spontaneous combustion cases in his work "De Incendiis Corporis Humani Spontaneis." The hundreds of spontaneous human combustion accounts since that time have followed a similar pattern: The victim is almost completely consumed, usually inside his home. Coroners at the scene have sometimes noted a sweet, smoky smell in the room where the incident occurred and an unusually pronounced death grin. Recent research is illuminating: the male 'victims' are all 'of a certain age' : it can be assumed , with some certainty , that sexual congress for the deceased would have reduced to virtually nil activity as measured on the Testicular Scale ( ref: Dr J Bank's masturbatory techniques in the elderly - a seminal work sponsored by Hoover). The hypothesis is that the resultant build up of pressure in the unmilked testicles creates pressure , thus latent heat . An erotic dream leading to involentary friction whilst in a soporific state ( thus loss of control of manipulary motor function) , blocked tubes preventing a release of pressure , leading to a powderkeg -an explosion - the biological equivalent of Krakatoa. Consider: Elimminate the impossible - and whatever is left - however improbable - is the truth. The lack of external heat source ; a testicular explosion which consumes the body instantly , immediately doused by the copious ejaculation - the 'sweet smokey smell' from the quenching of the fire. In summary - a complete ballsup. Next: Totam Poles |
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Now THAT was unlucky :-)
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ok
so should the next one be: LivingTotem Poles , Doll? |
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Next:
either Living Dolll or Totem Poles |
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The new best sex toy ever is not a cricket score by the Dudley CC No3, but as it's name suggests is a 'living doll.'
The doll in question is barely recognisable from a real woman except in some subtle ways. It doesn't insist you go shopping on a Saturday afternoon when your team is at home, nor round to the in-laws on Boxing Day when you've got 12/1 ante post for the 6/4 shot in the King George. It doesn't go on and on for 20 minutes before getting to the point expecting you to be still listening and it's always in the mood. Manufactrured in Kettering it's priced at only £99.99p due to the fact that the firm employs only Polish workers on below minimum wage. They are 'encouraged' to carry the very heavy 'living dolls' ten at a time to various parts of the factory with shouts of 'Tot'em Poles' from the foreman. Next: Stepford wives |