.:-)

Wainwright is famous for his very successful series of guides to walks in the Lake District. But you knew things were getting a bit desperate with his 237th book. Having run out of walks to describe years back, Wainright, short on new ideas, was reduced to writing about walls that were good to hide behind to keep out of the wind. The 2nd in this series Another Great Lee was greeted with derision, mainly because there was just a photo of a dry stone wall near Scafell Pike with the caption: This ones good too written under it.

Next: Lake Windermeres Fan.

Next: Meir

LOST IN TRANSLATION FIASCO

1950s

Please Stand For The National Anthem was a board game introduced into Europe by Waddingtons a few years ago. A CD came with the game containing the opening few bars of every national anthem for every country in the world. The idea was that an anthem would be played at random; as soon as anyone recognised it they had to stand to attention and say which country it belonged to, advancing round the board if correct.

The game was a total failure though as nobody ever won. It quickly became apparent that the only national anthems anyone knew were the British, French, German and American ones, with a few Formula 1 fans also knowing the Italian anthem.

Next: Chairman of the B

In the latest twist in PC ness, lexicographer's have been scouring the written word in all forms to look out for discrimination against any of the letters of the alphabet. After many years of exhaustive study, they have discovered that the letter B is used 14% less than it was in 1968.
This compares unfavourably with the letter V, which has increased by 17% and most notably the letter X, which has incresed by a staggering 67%, although this has been largely due to the popularity of pornography nowadays.

In order to redress the balance a Chairman of the B, Miss Soozie Concave, has been appointed to reintroduce this neglected letter back into our books and newspapers.
'I want to get the letter B back to the heady days of the late 60's when it was everywhere, like in that Monty Python sketch where that bloke couldn't sday the letter C so used B instead. Bing's Bollege Bambridge, that sort of thing' trilled Soozie.

Next: Khaki, Kettle, Kuwait.

Noted solicitors, Sanjay Khaki, Irvin Kettle and Taariq Kuwait, are the full time legal team employed to oversee the administration of the Amazing Fact Chain Letter. Based in the Stoke area where, officially at least, it is a legal requirement that you must live in order to be able to contribute an amazing fact - Khaki, Kettle and Kuwait divide their time between checking the factual accuracy of the contributions, and any scandalous claims they may be perceived as making.

Whilst very few of the facts are inaccurate in any way, often some breach copyright, or, as collywobble found to the cost of his reputation when sued (unsuccessfully as it turned out) by Quentin Tarantino for claiming his Reservoir Dogs was based on an earlier film, The Canal and the Canine, starring Richard Greene, Old Yellow and Wilfred Hyde White, suggesting that one piece of art plagiarises another.

In Tarantino Vs Collywobble Irvin Kettle, representing the defendant, was able to prove that a copy of the earlier film did in fact exist, and that it was possible that Tarantino could have caught a plane from his Hollywood home to the National Film Archive in Swindon and seen it. The case was thrown out, collywobbles damaged reputation restored, and another success chalked up for the AFCL legal team.

In recent weeks however, the true financial cost to Khaki, Kettle and Kuwait of overseeing the Amazing Fact Chain Letter has resulted in them introducing a 20% Premium Charge to cover their expenses, as some facts require checking in remote and dangerous parts of the world, such as Mongolia, the Antarctic and Hull.

The 20% charge, taken from the £500 per fact paid to each contributor to the letter for their latest fact, was met with howls of disapproval by contributors, and has resulted in a marked reduction in new facts lately. Speaking for the legal team, Taariq Kuwait said:

Interesting topic to pick because as luck would have it I stumbled across a recent article on a Chinese ex-patriot's blog about this very subject. Apparently, comments posted on the internet by political activists in China are censored by the authorities almost as soon as they appear. In a bid to outwit the censors, thousands of protesters have been daubing their comments in indelible red paint right across the Great Wall of China - all 4,000 miles of it. It now resembles a well-known scene from the Life of Brian.

Penalties for posters on the Wall are severe of course, but due to the nature of the terrain no-one has yet been caught in the act. The Chinese government has been fighting a losing battle to clean off the illegal comments so they've decided to simply paint the entire Wall red instead. To this end, tenders have been pouring in from enterprising companies all over the world.

In a tightly fought contest, the contract to repaint the Great Wall of China has finally been awarded to a company from Stoke-on-Trent in the UK who successfully bid £99 19s 11½d.

The CEO of the company, a Mr T Toes, said, "I don't envisage a problem with the actual painting, but I think the scaffolding could be quite a challenge."

Next: Keele Services

Many people do not realise that the top 23 feet of Ben Machdui is made of chicken wire covered in paper mache.

The story goes back to 1831, when there was considerable argument and widespread bloodshed as locals fought with their rivals from Ben Nevis in the

Once again the newshounds of the Amazing Fact Chain Letter turn their jaundiced eyes towards Blackpool. Having told you how Blackpool FC were formed and broke the story about erotic shennanigans at the top of the Tower, (the Council are still investigating) we can now reveal a more heartwarming story from the windy outpost.
In an effort to reduce racism in the North East, The Blackpool Rock and Sugar Dummy Co.Ltd. are to put PC lettering throught their range of aniseed and mint tooth rotters.
No more will it say 'Blackpool' through the sticks. Now words as 'Tolerance,' Diversity' and 'Social Inclusion' will adorn the sugary commestibles.

Next: Sugar Daddies.

North east - thought it was deliberate tbh :^0

pc rock - you can joke about it, it'll happen you see!

Only one pilot episode was made of 'Norvelle's Kitchen' and that was never broadcast.
It was a last dicth effort to rescue the career of fifth rate comedian Duncan Norvelle and a featured a celebrity guest who Duncan invited to 'Chase me' around his kitchen while he cooked a meal.
Unfortunately there was too much chasing and not enough cooking going on, so at the end of the show all that was on the plate was a prawn in garlic butter, three peas and a sprig of parsley.
A real chef working on the show hit on an idea seeing the result. He changed the name to 'Nouvelle Cuisine' to make it sound proper French like; and made an absolute fortune by selling these tiny portions to people who were too far up their own backsides to realise they were being robbed.

Next: Oyster Bars

Excellent, Colly!

In between penning 1984 and Animal Farm, George Orwell had a brief spell as editor and columnist for the magazine, Disslecksia Weakly, the leading periodical written by and aimed at the rapidly growing market for the hip, trendy and up-coming dyslexic about town.

As well as editing (an onerous task, as you can imagine) he contributed his own column to the magazine, looking at the world through the eyes of a dyslexic. The column was initially called Oil Well Rights, but it was shortened to Oil Rights following a moment of word blindness in the typesetting department. It remained that way until Orwell left, and Aldhous Huxley took over - his first name being a dyslexic's nightmare come true.

Next: Cliff Barnes.

Weve all done it. You only wanted it on a very low heat but the electric ring takes ages to heat up so you whack it up to full throttle to start with and then turn it down once its heated up. But you take your eye off the pot for just one second and before you know it the contents have spilled all over the stove. So whats the answer?

Dr. Cornelius Robert has come up with an ingenious contraption which you simply put around the base of the saucepan and it regulates the temperature of the electric ring, keeping it at a constant heat with the contents bubbling away merrily just below boiling point. Dont ask me how it works. If I knew, Id have invented it myself.

Dr Roberts Simmer Frame is now on sale in the UK for a mere £9.99. Its been withdrawn from the shelves in the USA pending the inevitable law suit, after running it though the US English spell-checker changed all the letter Ss to Zs.

Next: The pumps dont work

Ronald Macdonald was a seven-foot albino with unusually large feet. One afternoon, he decided to try a burger from an American burger bar that had recently opened in his town. The first couple of bites were quite tasty however, its contents soon started to take a hold on poor Ronalds delicate stomach and he began to feel quite ill.

Unable to contain this feeling any longer, Ronald made his way to the bathroom but time was not on his side, as he chundered his stomach contents all down the front of his clothes. The ignominy of it all caused Ronald to dash out of the bar, taking a short cut through the local bus depot with the intention of climbing the back fence and running across the playing fields that conveniently backed on to his home. As he ran through the bus depot his large feet clumsily caught the base of a ladder that held a maintenance man who was touching up a few scratches to the top of a bus

It is not commonly known that the River Don, which flows through Sheffield and Rotherham, is entirely artificial. Its source is a hose connected the gents' urinal at Hillsborough stadium, and the flow can increase by as much as 3000% on match days.

In order to avoid flooding downstream, a complex system of weirs has been installed, which are operated by means of a large hexagonal wrench; however owing to government cutbacks the nearest council office that can house the tool is some miles south in Derbyshire. Sheffield city councillors therefore have to make official requests on a regular basis to make a trip down the A61 to retrieve it. Such journeys are filed under "Don Key, Derby".


Next: Glen Matlock

brilliant boggle!