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The opening lines of Shakespeare's first attempt at a play, Romeo and Juliet On Ice, were:
It was colder than a witches tongue Colder than a polar bear's nose Colder than the shoulder of your old flame Colder than an Eskimo knows. Next: All the World's a Stage. |
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Twaddle was a 16th century term meaning horse dung. Carts full of the stuff often impressed locals, who enjoyed wallowing in their own filth, as was the fashion of the times. As the great steaming cart trundled through a village, it would draw admiring glances from the people, who would run up to it and smear some on their faces. They believed it masked the stench of their BO, which they had spent a lifetime engineering and had been told by the Wise Woman was caused by cleanliness, and also that it aided sexual attraction.
Such was the popularity of dung it features in Bacons play Hamlet: Osric: Some Sh1t, a very palpable Sh1t! Hamlet: Aye Sir, tis twaddle, methinks. Only in later years with the Do Gooder rebellion, did stinking of armpits and sh1t become unfashionable. The term |
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When Arlo 'Grapeshot' McRampage bought his Smith & Wesson 70 rpm repeater he was accompanied by one of his cohorts, 'Dangerously Deranged' Duane McBloodbath, known as DDD to his friennds.
He too was disappointed in the performance of his new weapon while holding up a bank in Spookytooth County, Arizona. After killing only three innocent bystanders he was hopelessly surrounded by the local cops, and was forced to give up when Cheif Wiggum spoke into the megaphone: 'Bring out your dead DDD' |
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Next: Crabapples
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Once upon a time, there were two crabs called Derek and Domino who both liked apples. Which was just as well because they lived in a great big crabapple tree and ate lots of crabapples every day. Then one morning. . .
Im not going to read you any more of the story because Disney Productions is about to turn it into a full-length cartoon simply called |
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Losing the plot is what Betfair's moderators have begun to do in increasing rapidity as they allow the dregs of humanity to crawl across the fora whilst keeping decent, worthwhile posters banned.
Next: Soap |
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The new cleaner at the Chit Chat pub goes about his work happily. He sings as he beats as he cleans. This is despite a severe lack of cleaning solutions. He has asked the landlord, a Mr Toes, if he could provide him with one of the modern fluids on the market, that cut through grese and grime in a flash or jiffy.
'Ah you mean soap, yes of course' beamed the less than up to date landlord. Next: A crystal set. |
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In the late 1930s a revolution occurred in the world of radio. The government announced that it was phasing out the old fashioned cats whisker radio sets, and the public should get ready for the white heat of a new technological dawn the crystal set. The cats whisker had always been problematical. To start with, many complained they didnt have a cat, and catching one was difficult in an age of rickets and TB (extracting a whisker was often a violent and painful experience also). The biggest complaint though that even when you had all that there was nothing on, anywhere!
The crystal set changed all that. It used a crystal. The original tuning wire was replaced by a contraceptive coil (dipped in Dettol first) and was a great success. Soon people everywhere were tuning in to Static in the Morning, hosted by a young Terry Wogan, or sitting down in the evening as a family to listen to the dead air that would eventually become The Archers some 20 years later. The Shipping Forecast became the first program that was actually audible on the crystal set, and soon people would write in for requests, such as [i] |
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British archaeologists working on an ancient site in Macedonia have recently discovered the tomb of Alexander the Great. Buried alongside this famous Greek king they have also found a huge statue of Ra (pronounced Rah), an ancient Egyptian sun god. The statue is believed to have been plundered by Alexander on one of his many pleasure trips up the Nile. Also buried in the tomb is Alexanders closest friend, his pet chiwahwah, Ace, who was devoted to the great king and followed him everywhere.
Alex, and Ra, and his pal Ace are soon to go on display in Alexandra Palace. Next: Dig up the dirt |
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'Dig Up the Dirt' is the new slogan for the latest brainchild of Gordon Brown's think tank to combat the credit crunch. Every householder is to be encouraged to get out their fork and spade and to search for festering manure which can be used either as a petrol substitute or to heat their homes in winter. It is estimated that in London alone, every house is sitting on at least ten tons of old faecal matter due to cracks in the aging Victorian sewer system, enough to reduce energy bills by a staggering £6.50 per month
next: The Bristol Stool Scale |
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The saying when the sh it hits the fan has its origins in serious scientific experiments of the 19th century. It was Samuel Beaufort who wanted to devise a scale to measure the likely spread of the brown stuff, should a person ever point his anus at a fan. His original papers showed that he devised two scales derived from his calculations. One, which bears his name, was for the speed at which faeces are propelled from the ar se. He was a bit optimistic with force 12 (hurricane force) ever likely to being attained, but even so his equations were correct.
He also realised that the speed of faeces depended on mass x consistency of the faecal matter, a hard lumpy one being harder to expel than a softer, runnier one, and having less |
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:^0 fantastic Boggle. Are u on drugs? :^0
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:^0 A masterpiece!
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Fat Tuesday.
This is the third bank holiday of the Jewish calendar and traditionally the only day of the Jewish year when men are permitted to spend more than £2.86 in 1 day. Due to the number of Bar-Mitzvahs celebrated on this particular day for this very reason, this day is now often referred to by many as 'Fat Tuesday', due to the fullness of the belly the next day (and the lighness of the wallet!) Next: A Rabbi walks into a bar... |
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Hell boggle, how are we supposed to follow that? Eh? Eh?
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My thoughts exactly. He's gone too far this time.
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We'll just have to do better momm, or we could have him done in.
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A rabbi walks into a bar, followed by a Catholic Priest, an Anglican Bishop, an Imam, and a Muslim Cleric. They order their drinks and choose a table, the weight of their Theological differences weighing heavily on their shoulders.
'Right, I'll start' says the Bishop 'Did you see the game last night?' 'Yes, that first goal was a mile offside' 'Bo llocks, he was two yards on' ''Who sez?' 'Me' And me' 'Who's round is it?' 'Mine' Get us a packet of crisps will yer' 'Smokey Bacon, Rabbi? 'Ahhhahhhaa' ' Right we'll down these and then off to the Lamb and Flag, they've got strippers on' 'Yaaay!!' Next: The Declaration of Arbroath. |
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Although the English armies under Edward II were routed at Bannockburn in 1314 and effectively expelled from Scottish soil, they continued to mount attacks into Robert the Bruce's Scotland over the succeeding years. The Pope had not accepted Scottish independence, perhaps partially because Robert the Bruce had been excommunicated for killing John Comyn in a church in Dumfries in 1306.
Thus a formal Declaration of Independence was drawn up in Arbroath Abbey on the 6th April 1320, by the Abbot, Bernard de Linton, who was also the Chancellor of Scotland. But around lunchtime, Bernie got a bit bored with the Independence stuff and decided to enjoy the afternoon spring sunshine with a game of cricket between the monks of the Abbey and neighbouring Carnoustie Golf Club. However, it seems the Arbroath Abbey XI were overconfident in thinking that a bunch of nancy-boy golfers would somehow be a pushover, and it is a widely held belief amongst historians that the declaration of Arbroath on 153 for 5 is what cost them the match. Next: Stick to the truth |
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Stick to the truth
In Turkish folklore, childless or deformed women, cows and sheep that don't get pregnant, and children wetting their beds are supposedly cured by passing under a blackberry bush known as "The bush of Fatih Terim". "The bush of Fatih Terim" is believed to be a charm herb of paradise and was named after the Turkish national football manager by the psychic formerly known as Altay, sometime in the early 14th century. Breaking off a twig or stick from this sacred tree is believed to bring bad luck for 7 years. The only way this may be broken, is by sticking to the truth until the next full moon has passed. A person who does not stick to the truth can look forward to 7 years of calamitious activity, which in the past has included falling down a drain, choking on a child's gobstopper, and losing money on a regular basis. Stick to the truth is now a famous Turkish story told in schools from an early age to encourage children and salesmen to be honest. A shortened version is also expected to be printed on the inside of packets of Fry's "Turkish Delight" bars, in the hope it will increase sales. Next: Fry's "Turkish Delight". |
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Tired of failing to find acceptable 'man on man' action in England, Stephen Fry has moved to Ankara, where it seems there is a thriving market, which he calls his 'Turkish Delight'
Next: QI |
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QI (i.e. question number one using Latin numerals) is nearly always the first question in any quiz.
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quid pro quo
This is a shop in Peckham High Street, that sells nothing but onions. The shop owners have kept to the tradition over the years that you can only either buy a pound sterling's worth of onions or buy a pound measure of onions. Interestingly, The shop is owned by David and Melissa Insono, which is an anagram of 'onions'. Next: Peckham High Sreet. |
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In 1972, Cinema on a Slim Budget Productions presented their latest film. Set in Peckham, it involved the hijacking of a bus (the No. 123). The plot was very straightforward. Hijackers take control of a bus in Peckham High Street, and threaten to execute passengers unless a ransom is paid. The only problem for the hijackers is how do they escape with police surrounding them? The answer is blisteringly simple (spoiler alert). The crooks have cleverly chained a Goodies-style 4-man bicycle to a railing at the end of the High Street. They hope that no-one will notice them in their masks, stripy T-shirts, and bags with SWAG written on them as they tiptoe along the High Street. Unfortunately, a good old-fashioned bobby spots them and hails
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'it's himself' was the correct answer to the question In A Christmas Carol, why is Scrooge so taken aback by the 'victim' in the grave shown to him by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?' in the Pass It On Quiz - First to 100 (76) - Odd grammatical construction section.
Next: That That That |
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That That That was a little known pop duo formed in the mid 1990s at Millfield public school by C. Sharp and A. Flat minor. They called themselves C & A to begin with but were forced to change it after a lawsuit was brought against them by a large retail chain for copyright infringement. So to avoid further trouble they sought the advice of a professional creative band name chooserer, who as it turned out had an unhealthy obsession with demonstrative pronouns.
Next: Pick a key |
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[i[Pick a key[/i] is a term used in jazz music. The worst kinds of jazz musician all pick the same key. This, unfortunately, gives the music a touch of harmony, which is not what they are looking for at all. The best kinds make sure that they all choose different keys, and, for that authentic jazz touch, different tempi. It then becomes a race to see who can get from the start to the finish in the most possible notes. Rules is rules though, and the terms and conditions state that at some point every player must stop except one, who then plays anything (as long as it is not musical) until the others are so sick they all join again, playing their own song, often backwards.
The greatest jazz musicians are usually from coastal hamlets, those places were having 6 fingers on each hand is considered classy, and 7 positively regal, these places and especially Norfolk have no shortage of these gifted types. The extra fingers come in useful for playing complex chords such as A#m9sus4dim7#13th, which sounds bloody horrible, but not to a jazz musician. As the song proceeds, occasionally, one of them will switch time: two bars of 4/3, 1 bar of 7/8, 13 bars of 4/4, 100/1 bar the rest, just to try to throw the others off. At the end of the race, sorry |
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Possibly the best definition of Jazz Ive ever read :^0
Anyway, to continue the story... That That That's debut single was an experimental fusion of classical music and contemporary building site equipment. The classically trained C. Sharp played an up-tempo rendition of the well-known |
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The new production from Nick Park features the return of old favourites Wallace and Grommet in 'The Wrong Tree.'
It concerns Wallace inventing a machine for making trees that produce Wensleydale cheese. All goes well until the villain of the piece, a new character, a cheeky mouse called Dolores, voiced by Jane Horrocks in her best Rochdale accent, jumps from tree to tree stealing all the cheese as Grommet chases about wildly after her, accompanied by Wallace's cries of : 'No you're barking up the wrong tree, Grommet.' Next: Plasticine |
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The Plasticine epoch occured between the Oligocene and Miocene epochs. The fossil record from the time includes early snakes in various stages of pregnany with oversized tongues that fell off; and small bipeds with no digits, few features and detachable heads.
Next: Battlefield reconstructions. |
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Plasticine was excommunicated by the Vatican in the 19th century after tests showed it broke Wimple's Law of Colour (Except with light and that), namely that when all colours are mixed together they make black (except with light and that). As plasticine fans will know, all things lead to a turdy brown, and there is no such thing as black plasticine. Even today, Catholics in the New World refer to plasticine as 'Devil Dough'.
Next: Papal Bull |
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ohhh!
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Racing returns to the newly reconstructed Battlefields racecource today, where Papal Bull will be trying to make amends for his narrow defeat by Oliver Cromwell at Royal Ascot.
Next: Great Lees. |