Teeth is a novel by Hugh Gallagher. I have yet to read it.

Next: Caledonian Airways

2001 April 12


First Shuttle Launch

The 5.20 at Leafy Lingfield today was the most remarkable horse race ever seen in the UK all the runners reached the halfway point in a complete line across the track, whence they all stopped to a dead halt catapulting their jockays onto the sand and then proceeded to turn round and race back into their respective stalls like scalded cats.
A dead heat was declared!

Next:- Wagon wheel chocolate biscuits

Sellotape derives from old French "Selle en taupe" as in days of old when knights were bold the best saddles were made from moleskin.

Next... Chivalry

The Knights Templar
The Holy Land.....a place of great importance for Christians, Muslims and Jews. At the end of the 11th Century the first crusade ordered by Pope Urban II captured the Holy Land from the Saracens.

In the following years, Christian pilgrims flocked to worship at the captured religious sites. But there was insufficient manpower available within the Crusading armies to protect the Pilgrims properly.

In the year 1118, nine knights approached Baldwin I, King of Jerusalem and offered their services to protect pilgrims traversing the Holy Land. Baldwin was the leader of the first crusade.

The King accepted their offer and soon they took up lodgings and stables on one side of the kings palace on the Temple Mount.

How 9 knights managed to protect all the pilgrims, I don't know but there is evidence to show that they carried out this role well.

These knight became known as the Poor Knights of Jesus Christ and they were led by a French nobleman called Hughes De Payen. These knights soon changed their name to Knights of the Temple of Solomon as they believed the site of the Temple Mount to be the original site of King Solomon's Temple. Soon they became know simply as the Knights Templar.

In all the years of the crusades, nobody had seen anything quite like these warriors. They had taken the vows of a monk. Chastity, poverty and obedience. But the main difference between these men and monks is that they were allowed to kill.

From the earliest stages, the Knights Templar were synonymous with poverty. In fact their official seal showed two poor knights sharing one horse.

The Knights held their meetings in strict secrecy and this led to rumours circulating that they were up to no good. People were saying that the Knights were digging below the Temple Mount looking for the foundations of King Solomon's Temple. Some even said that they were really looking for a lost treasure, perhaps the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail.

In fact the story of the digging is argued by modern day experts of the Knights. This is really indicative of the cryptic history as the original date for starting the KT can't be accurately reported by most of todays encyclopeadia's.

For 8 years the Knights struggled to carry out their task in an environment of having no money and virtually no recruits.

In 1126 Hughes De Payen returned to France and won the support of Bernard De Clairvaux, who later became St Bernard. This was the start of the order's rise in wealth and size.

1130 saw the Hughes De Payen return to the Holy Land with a huge army which set about cracking down on all enemies of Christendom.

By 1165 the order had a line of castles and fortifications around the captured lands. Templars in battle at these castles were not allowed to retreat unless they were outnumbered 3-1.

The saracens who often held captured soldiers to ransom, would take no such risk with Templars. They were always beheaded. 20,000 templars died in battle, and through this the templars and saracens became greatly respectful of each other. In time, Templars allowed Muslims to pray in their churches.

They nurtured links with Muslims and Jews and it is told that they taught the Knights about Numerology, Astrology and Alchemy. The Knights even imported the game of Chess to the western world.

But did the Knights really worship Christ?
Some knights confessed to worshipping a human head. Some confessed to worshiping the the image of a woman. Interestingly this head was given a name, Baphomet. Now if you apply the Atbash cypher to Baphomet when it is written in Hebrew, you come up with another word Sofia...this is the female wisdom principle. Could there be something in this. Most modern day scholars disregard the confessions of the Templars.

next: bananas

semaphore is a corruption of semi-phore, which is itself a contracted version of the the signalling system "total-phore". Total-phore involved the use of four flags, two held by the hands and two by the feet. Although signals could be sent two letters at a time - making it twice as fast as semaphore - it proved to be too energetic for most users, with the letter 'X' in particular causing several nasty accidents.

Next: ROSPA

French Macdonalds restaurants are encouraged by the Ministry of Food and Snails to serve more national and traditional dishes. Hence salads are de rigueur in all restaurants and The Roquefort burger is widely available,while boeuf bourgUignon has been introduced to 100 outlets on a trial basis.

The beef pat¿ either single or double, is served without the bun and a miniature bottle of vin rouge poured over the top by the server. Only five star badge wearers are allowed to perform this task and the dish is not available for consumption off the premises.

On-line supermarkets regularly send their packers/delivery drivers on refresher courses to remind them that when putting bread, biscuits and other breakable goods into carrier bags, heavy items such as tins, potatoes etc MUST be placed on top.

next, the general election

Tesco on-line shopping was invented one Saturday afternoon by a surrealist at Sainsbury who accidentally hacked into the mainframe while checking how many Nectar points would be required to buy a bee circling a pomegranate.

The link between the two stores was seized upon by both stores, but Tesco were first to take advantage of linking to other internet outlets because the web-developer at Sainsbury was called away to take a 'phone conversation with a man from Porlock asking about curtain rails. When he returned, someone had turned off his PC and he had not made any paper notes.

Tesco on-line shopping began within 48 hours with some teething problems. Tipping the delivery man is acceptable in all but two counties; if the order does not contain an offal product, then it is illegal to tip in Cumbria and if the order is in Middlesex, then it is illegal to tip because no-one is sure whether it exists.

Next: Alec Issigonis

More people have drowned in decaf than caffeinated as it is less dense. Or more dense. I forget.

Next: Espadrilles

Female riggers working for the Empire State Petroleum Association

Next:Petroleum

please park is an abbreviateion for PLEASURING in the PARK


next Pork Sword

"Stick Em Up" was the catchphrase of little known northern comedian Arthur Evans. Arthur's career was brief - a support gig for Arthur Askey (no relation) at the Merseyside Police Annual Dinner and Dance in the 50s, he walked on stage, used his catchphrase and was shot by 7 of the front row.

A tragedy, the enquiry's findings were hushed up as it was the only time someone had actually died a worse death than Askey on stage.

Next: Phensic

"Doctors and Nurses" was the working title for the novel "Gone With the Wind". Margaret Mitchell changed her mind when she had slept, having spent 96 hours straight hand-writing the "t"s into her manuscript because she was using a dodgy typewriter with a missing key.

Next: St. Asaph

98 percent of people dont knoz zhqt q pqrqdox is - FQCT

NextM

French Keyboqrds

Cross between a horse and an ox. Often raced at State Fairs in USA.

Next: Dolly The Sheep

:D

A pirate DVD of Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall hand rearing livestock has apparently made many Welsh men recover from impotency.
Also HFW has recently patented a sign. It's to help vets know when the farmers flock of sheep might be availible for mint sauce basting. The sign reads; Out to lunch .... Back in 22 hrs.

Next .... Ladyboys.

lol bert, alan ladyboys was indeed a fine striker!

HRT milk was first used on long sea voyages of discovery in the 18th century due to its extremely long shelf-life. Indeed Captain Cook himself often had a carton of HRT with two digestive biscuits at bedtime

next, the morris minor

Bench Marks

I do not wish to comment on the Tay bridge disaster, however there is an unusual feature about St Asaph in that the locals are not satisfied in having such a beautiful name for their town and also call it LLANELWY which no one else can pronounce.

next... Spit the dog