Dive bombing was at one time permitted and even encouraged in the swimming pools of the UK. The thought was that if the lads were busy dive bombing into the water, any females would quickly retreat back to the changing rooms - thus preventing any violation of the "no petting" rule that authorities were very keen to enforce in order to protect the moral health of the nation - that was seen as being under threat from open displays of affection.

Next: Golden Retrievers

Golden Retrievers become very difficult to deal with when they get caught in Golden Showers. They become very slippery characters and give off a more than usual poor odour...

next: Slippery characters...

Chinese characters in films are always derived from western stereotypes of far eastern people. The only exception to this rule is in Enid Blyton books.

Next: Hong Kong Phooey

Soya sauce is a great way to boost your sodium intake should you become deficient.

Next: Checkout queues

Checkout queues are the hunting ground of stemac...usually Tesco, but occasionally other supermarkets too......



Next: Hang gliding......

Great Uncle Bulgaria was a much loved member of the Wombles of Wimbledon, who spent their time tidying up Wimbledon Common as part of a Channel 4 reality TV show "Big Brother Womble".

Unfortunately his TV career came to an abrupt end after he was exposed by the News Of The World "dogging" in Richmond Park.

Next: Laika

Priscilla Presley had a penchant for american forces chaps. Upon meeting Elvis she was heard to say 'Lovely. Gee, I wish I had one of those.'

His C.O said he would give her one. And he did.

Next : Defense de fumer.

Paolo Maldini 9.99
(Scallops, add 3)

Followed by tiramis, named after a winger in the 1938 World Cup winning side.

Next: Coffee and mints

Etiquette states that when the host has changed into pyjamas and is yawning, and his wife has gone to bed muttering murderously under her breath, you have time still to watch a DVD that is a maximum of 110 minutes long.

Next: Fifteen hundred

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream-and not make dreams your master;
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings-nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And-which is more-you'll be a Man, my son!


Next: It's up for grabs now... Thomas!

"Grabbing the Thomas" is another way of saying "Bashing the Bishop" or "Spanking the monkey".

So how I laughed when my new Girlfriend asked me if I had seen her Thomas (her brother). The joke was on me though when I turned around to see her with her Thomas in her hand.

Next: Serve or Receive?

Tennis racquets were originally called gay tennis clubs by golfers who didn't like the game.

The bat and ball wars of the 1520s started as a result.

Next: Invasion of the bodysnatchers

ttt

Somewhere on the remote Timor Sea coast of north Australia lives Patrick Nudjulu, speaker of "Mati Ke", a language intelligable to only three people.

It is problem enough that one of the other speakers doesn't live nearby and speaks a slightly different dialect. But the 60-year-old Aborigine also has to cope with the fact the other speaker is his sister - who traditional culture has forbidden him from speaking to since puberty.

(btw - this one's true).

Next: puberty

The Jack in the box is a micro-organism that inhabits the inside of a batsman's genital protection device, It can cause severe ticklesome irritation leading to much crotch-scratching and loss of concentration and the risk of getting out prematurely.

Next : bats in the belfry

bats in the belfry is the rustic name for one of the lesser known members of the campanula family (a flower to you lot).
this is not funny but it is certainly a fact, albeit not an amazing one.
however for most of us, if we found bats in our belfrys, we would hide our pretty little necks just in case there was the teensiest hint of vampires in the air...

next: Things that suck your neck

Things that suck your neck can be bothersome especially if they bite as well. Necksuckers need to have suitably convex lips so that a soothing motion can be agreeably achieved.**y suckers are to be avoided as their overconfidence leads to faulty technique.

necksed : blood banks / sperm banks

Homebase Alpha was the original title for the cult 70s sci fi series Space 1999. However after an impending lawsuit, producers were forced to change it to Moonbase after the DIY conglomerate objected that the interstellar community was too close in resemblance to its flagship store in Potters Bar. A similar objection that Eagle Transporters were too similar in design to the companys fork lift trucks was overruled.

next: Thunderbirds

It's not widely known but the main resaon for the destruction of the S American rainforest is the farting proclivities of the Great Andean Condor. An enforced change of diet means that the hapless bird emits rectal explosions like thunderclaps -hence the nickname 'thunderbirds ' as used by local tribal denizens. The ensuing vibrations cause a loosening of the roots with the sad and inevitable consequences we see.
next: lightning conductors

The Tooth and Claw pub in Bermondsey was the scene of a notorious murder in 1965 when a patron was stabbed to death with a packet of peanuts. A police spokesman at the time commented that it was "all red in the Tooth and Claw".

Ray Davies has always denied that the 1967 hit single by the Kinks "Red in Tooth and Claw" referred to the murder or the pub in any way. The single only reached number 34 after Woolworths refused to stock it.

Next: Kinky Afro