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DVD's often receive text messages from the likes of PTR's and STV's
Next Anacronyms |
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Ana Cronyms is a member of popular Belgian beat combo 'The Scissor Sisters' She's the 1 you 'would' but wouldnt admit to your mates.
Next: Comedy Dave |
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"Comedy Dave" is the username that Orioles would like to change his current name to most.
Next: Satanism |
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Sunanism, Monanism, Tueanism, Wedanism, Thunism, Frianism, Satanism
Next: The Gregorian Calendar |
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The Gregorian Calendar was so named after it was developed by two Scotsmen who had time to kill after a hard-fought Rous Cup match. In it, Saturday had been renamed "BeatEnglandDay"
Next: Bob Woolmer |
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Pakistan Cricket coach Bob Woolmer was recently arrested for being too pink and thinking pink things!
Next: New Zealand |
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New Zealand is so named because they keep inventing bizarre extreme sports there. These are not deeemed to be "news" but are seen as "newsy".
Next: Cider |
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Cider, when mixed with Lager, produces Snakebite. This is the worst**tail a man can possibly imbibe. Without exception, everyone who drinks just one pint turns into a crazed criminal monster, doing tens of thousands of pounds worth of damage and wrecking lives for ever. It has rightly been banned from being served anywhere - except for those places where these things are normal anyway.
Next: Somerset |
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Somerset is in fact the place were 'british summer time' is set! Tonight when the moon just clears the weston super mare multi story car park the signal goes out for the whole country to put their clocks forward an hour until Autumn and 'Daylight saving time' is re-introduced thanks to people in the village of Daylight Saving - just outside Buxton, Derbyshire.
Next: Sir Isaac Newton |
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Sir Isaac Newton was born in the town that later played host to Z Cars. Unfortunately, the scriptwriters were not allowed to refer to this as it would be demeaning to the pound note.
Next: Valery Borzov |
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Winmner of the 100m and 200m at the 1972 Olympics.
Next: Munich |
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"Munich" is spelled incorrectly in German - it is spelled Munchen. This is because of their propensity to feast themselves on the delightful pastroes that are native to the city.
Next: The Football War |
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The people of Munich, Germany have recently voted baywatch star David Hasslehoff as the greatest humanitarian of all time, despite the fact that no one has actually been able to prove he is human.
Next: McCauley Culkin |
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Pope Pious XI was the first person to ever score an international goal grabing the winner in the infamous France v Prussia match in 1870 the contraversey over the fact that he was miles offside was the major contributing factor in the resulting Franco-Prussian war.
Next: McCauley Culkin |
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McAuley Culkin was once successfully prosecuted for the use of two forenames and no surname in the same courtroom as Harrison Ford.
Next door, Paul Simon was undergoing a similar case. Next: Slip Sliding Away |
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The Paul Simon classic Slip sliding away isnt as most people think a song about Ice skating but infact it is an allegory for the demise of British Rail.
Next: Rabbits |
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Rabbits are simply cats that have forsaken violence, meat and material pleasures.
Next: Fivers |
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Fivers - much to the chagrin of modern criminals are impossible to forge - so much so that the bank of England intends to withdraw fifty pound notes and replace them with ten fivers sellotaped together.
Next: Richard the Lionheart |
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Richard the Lionheart was the first recorded transplant recipient in history. He also spoke no English but was adept, after surgery, of licking his own [edited by Betfair Customer Services], climbing curtains and savaging any warrior made of wool.
Next: Corsica |
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The entire population of Corsica is Italian, and that of Sardinia is French.
Quite why the two islands perpetuate this charade is a mystery. Next: Lisa Goddard |
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Lisa Goddard's eyes consistently open to a wider diameter vertically than horizontally.
Next: Book tokens |
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Inside of every book token sold in the world is a microscopic transmiter chip the information is gathered nefariously by the W.I. (a subsection of the C.I.A.) and is used to keep a track on insurgents within the book reading community - special attention is given to anyone buying books by Alan Titchmarsh and Sue Townsend.
Next: Scotland |
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Much of our information about Scotland comes from the writings of Plato. It has been recently been discovered that a faulty translation meant that most numbers we were familiar with were actually out by a factor of 10, making Scotland considerably nearer, smaller and more recent than thought. In fact, scientists looking to discover this lost world should concentrate on an area near Nuneaton.
Next: Sparkmaster |
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Although Sparkmaster is a bleeding-heart, bed-wetting, guardian-reading, lefty, ethnic-loving, soft-on-crime, pinko liberal - he likes to live out his dominant fantasies in the bedroom, and is the proud owner a valuable wardrobe of hand-made leather costumes, riding crops, handcuffs, arab straps, butt plugs and ball gags. Not that I'd know about that sort of stuff.
Next: Hedonism. |
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Chit chat forum hedonists are identifiable by their use of smiley emoticons, making this place as camp as Canal Street at times. Betting is a lonely pursuit so they seek their quarry in broad daylight in the safety of the backwaters of the fora and fauna.
You have been warned. Next Cliff Richard |
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The Taj Mahal was won by Sir Cliff Richard in 1974 after beating Jeanette Krankie at darts. He gave it to Sue Barker.
Next: Darts |
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sorry i must have been mumbling i said...
NEXT: DARTS :) |
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Darts used to cover Barry Manilow. Possibly the least successful stud pairing ever.
Next: Whalesong |
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The Whalesong heard at night on The Orca in the film Jaws was in fact Anita Dobson.
Next: Orange Barley Water |
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Nobody could understand why Robinsons brought out Lemon Barley Water when everybody wanted a nice ORANGE drink...
Next: Midhurst, West Sussex |
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Midhurst, West Sussex is the best known of three a-joining towns - the other two being Tophurst and Bottomhurst. All three are believed to be the inspiration for Michael Barrymore's TV Hit 'Strike it Lucky'.
Next: The Victorians |
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The Victorians are, like the Gregorian calendar earlier, a composite group formed in the UK in 1the 1830s. There were three possibile criteria under which you could become a Victorian.
(i) Your name was Victor (ii) Your name was Ian (iii) You bribed the chairman. The chairman resigned and funds were sequestrated when the books showed that there were 72,000 members, of whom only 27 were name Victor or Ian. The 72,000 at a later date became the David Cassidy fan club. Next: Aircraft black boxes |
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"Black Box" is common parlance for the Flight Recorder on an aircraft. The pupouse of the Flight Recorder is to provide a musical distraction on long-haul flights, and there is keen competition betwwen crews to see who can sustain a tune on it he longest without impairing the safety of the aircraft. A recent survey commissioned by BA suggested that the most popular were 'Frere Jaques' and 'Away in a Manger', with one three-man crew reportedly sustaining the latter tune for 7 hours and 56 minutes between them. However, as the CAA has agreed that there is no requirement for an on-board mechanism for recording the flight recorder itself; there are no recorded recorder record recordings to prove this one way or the other.
Next: Tinsel |
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School Bans Pupils from Wearing Tinsel
By Sarah Cade, PA A secondary school has banned pupils from wearing tinsel to an end of term Christmas celebration. Chipping Sodbury School in Bristol has imposed the ban on a non-uniform day next Tuesday because teachers believe tinsel causes litter and could pose a danger if pupils try to strangle each other. Parents and pupils were told of the decision in a newsletter from headteacher Philip Lidstone and deputy head Mel Jeffries, who said that health and safety reasons were behind the ban. Mr Jeffries told the Bristol Evening Post: We want all of our children to enjoy Christmas and have a good time but at the same time making sure there are no accidents to spoil it. If tinsel is worn loosely around the neck it can be pulled tight and we want to avoid anything like that. Tinsel can also easily cause a mess, so its also about keeping the school tidy and free of litter. But in a statement from Chipping Sodbury School today, litter was cited as the main motivation for the ban on tinsel. The statement said: The decision to stop pupils wearing tinsel on non-uniform day was taken mainly as a result of the schools campaign to clamp down on litter. Far from being against the spirit of Christmas, the day is designed to raise money for the charity Crisis, at this time of year. We, as a school, constantly strive to provide a safe working environment for our students and their health and safety is of the utmost importance. A 16-year-old pupil sitting mock GCSEs at the school said the ban was sad as tinsel was a sign of Christmas. She said: It is awful to ban tinsel. It is supposed to be a festive celebration at the end of term, a bit of fun, and I think to ban tinsel is PC gone wrong. It is just silly, we all know not to go around strangling each other. She said that although most pupils would probably obey the ban, there would probably be some rebels. Most people respect the teachers but there are bound to be some who wear tinsel anyway, she said. She said the ruling was pointless as pupils could still wear boas, Santa hats and novelty earrings on the last day of term. A spokeswoman for South Gloucestershire Council said the safety of all pupils was of the utmost importance . She added: All head teachers use their own judgement regarding health and safety at their schools. next: Easter Monday |
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Apart from May Day, Whitsuntide and August bank holiday, Easter Monday is the only bank holiday in the UK guaranteed to fall on a Monday.
Good Friday, in contrast, always falls on a friday. Next, Dr Who |
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Dr Who and rapster Dr Dre have teamed up and are currently touring the country performing hilarious 'Doctor.. Doctor...' jokes to sell out audiences.
Next: Lolly Sticks |
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'Lolly Sticks' is the well known sketch performed by 'The Two Ronnies', where a customer asks for an item that could be one of two or more things. Other items asked for include 'a size eight pair of white trainers with a blue stripe' and 'Jim Davidson'.
Next: Blackpool Pier (any one) |
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In the 1940s many disgarded lolly sticks from funny faces and funny feet were used as splints to repair broken limbs on Gibbon's who were injured in the war. Some of these primates also suffered horiffic facial injuries, so pioneering surgeon Nognog Yakube invented the technique of grafting the funny faces on to the deformed Gibbon's and Marmosete's 'boats'. It was a proceedure that proved a great success, but the primates had to keep out of the way of direct sunlight.
I'ts only now that zoologists realise that there is so much facial licking within their colony. Next ........... Bog snorkelling |
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sorry igotstung - quality 'fact' - but unfortunately the don beat you too it!
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All three of Blackpool's piers are in fact made of liquorice - that is the reason for the towns popularity.
Bog Snorkeling was the reason Thomas Crapper invented the flushing water closet in 1712. The sport was banished to swampy marshlands after a number of complaints from the landed Gentry about being unable to use thier new conveniences because of large crowds of common oiks. Next: George Bush Jr. |