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Good Joke Thread.
Good Joke Thread.
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A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh1t. |
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StewB in the butchers.
StewB " A pigs head please mate" Butcher " Broken an other mirror stew, helps you shave"? StewB " Funny guy just give me the pigs head you porky faced tw@t" Butcher " Ok do you want the eyes left in as usual so it sees you through the week"? |
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The four Sociopaths meet up at StewBs great grandads old pig farm for a guided tour, only it now houses only one male pig and a distant destitute relative. Quixall wanders into a shed and sees StewB with the pig on its back giving it a BJ.
Shocked, Quixall say "WTF FFS"? StewB looks up and grins " Don't panic Quixall, this is how my ancestors always weighed their pigs, about 74 KG this one" Quixall " Thank eff for that, I just saw Rico and Ikeaman weighing each other in the hayloft" |
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Oooops.
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Ikeaman goes into a pub when he was 15 and asks for a double Pernod.
Barman " That will be 3/6 please" Ikea knocks it back and demands another and does the same" Barman "Steady son I know your underage but you have to learn to pace yourself, are you celebrating or something"? Ikea " Experienced my first BJ ten minutes ago" Barman " That's always memorable let me buy you another" Ikea " Thanks but if two doubles didn't get rid of the taste" |
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That is funny buddy.
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, that night, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied. |
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ffs acey - it;s the "serious" Burns unit.
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StewB had a part time job back when they had ambulance attendants as opposed to paramedics, got called to a road traffic collision but got lost and the scene had been cleared by the time he arrived. However he spotted a human ear on a grass verge and rushed it to hospital.
Doctor " Why have you brought that ear to the psychiatric department"? StewB " Well it's off its head doc" Doctor " You should have taken it to ENT ysdc, it's deaf" |
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I hate my mind.
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Slips of the Tongue
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..' 5. US PGA Commentator – 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' Another for luck: Henry Blofelt cricket commentator. The bowlers Holding the batmans Willey. |
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Very Good.
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David Feherty, commentating on the Irish Open and Colin Montgomeries's raging ill nature on the green towards some anonymous spectator - "And clearly a butterfly has just landed on a bush half a mile away".
Feherty also once commented that "Today Tiger has a swing like a loose toilet door on a deep sea trawler"! And the immortal Peter Allis on witnessing some tortured pro's utterly ridiculous new-fangled grip to his unfaithful putter - "The last time I saw a grip like that was in the gents toilet at the old King's Cross station"! |
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StewB in the pub.
Barman " How are you getting on with fat Fiona from the chip shop" StewB " Having to teach her everything, thick as pig muck" Barman " She must be bad for you to be calling her thick, no offence" StewB " Bought her a big vibrator the other day and had to show her how to use it FFS" Barman " Did she get the hang of it" StewB," stupid cow knocked out two of her front teeth the first time" Barman " But you said you showed her how to use it" StewB " Yeah" |
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I like that. Still chuckling. |
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I bumped into an old school friend today.
I said, "What are you up to these days mate?" He said, "I prepare hot meals for the homeless, alcoholics, people with mental health problems, and gambling addicts' I said, "So do you work in a charity drop in centre?" He said, "No, I'm the chef at Wetherspoons." |
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ffs
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the dentist one ha ha ffs
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Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. |
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I was wearing my kilt in Edinburgh when an American lady asked the usual acey, I told her to put her hand under and find out for herself, she said.
"Man that's gruesome" Me " Do it again honey, it's just grew some more" |
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A tourist in Aviemore sees a pigeon coming down a run on a snowboard and asks the guide WTF is that, the guide replies the pigeon is trying out a new discipline and is normally a Skiing Doo!!
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