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Good Joke Thread.
Good Joke Thread.
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StewB is in the back seats of a cinema with a local lady who charges by the hour but stew has fallen in love and keeps whispering and cooing in her lug. She gets fed up and says.
FFS your like an effing pigeon, give it a rest. StewB "Why you don't understand why I love you like a doo". |
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There is nothing like a good Scottish joke, and none of them were any good.
An English jockey ( possibly James Bowen ) and his horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered... |
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VWD honcho hard to beat ancient jokes!!
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Agreed. I had to look it up!
All good fun. |
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What a bonus. See what I found. Pure magic, especially the first!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4T-yJzgzfg |
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A catholic is walking through Bellshill and thinks fukc this I will join the army. A year late he is walking down the falls and ends up in Belfast hospital, the nurse asks if it was a proddie or a Tim who stabbed him under his flak jacket.
He is under the influence of heavy medication and says " You won't believe this but I thought I was in London in 2024 and the bloke who stabbed me was either black or wearing a Dish Dash, mad I know but that was my dream love" |
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How do you tell what clan a Scotsman is ?
Put your hand up his kilt, If it's a quarter pounder. He's a Mc' Donald |
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How dare you insult the land where men wear kilts and sheep are nervous.
Certainly much manlier than wearing sticks, bells and hankies. At least we know what to do with the hankies. |
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes." |
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A conjuror got a job on a cruise ship. One of his props was a parrot who had been with him so long he knew all the conjuror's tricks and gave then away by squawking "It's up his sleeve" or "It's behind his back" and suchlike.
One night the ship hit a large rock and sank and the only survivors were the conjuror and the parrot. For three days and nights they bobbed up and down on the ocean clinging to a piece of driftwood until the parrot could contain himself no longer and said "Okay I give up. Where have you hidden the f'kin ship?" |
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I know what to do with the wellies,Honcho but not sure about the hankies..
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Huge belly wobbling chuckles acey. Quality!
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Lesdyxia lures ko!
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Ridiculous. "I;ll drive you to your destination but I;m not happy about it", was actually "Get the **** oot ma road", followed by the glasses coming off as he rose from his chair in threatening mode, if we lingered more than a second.
Happy days. |
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We couldnay affo
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We couldnay affo
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We couldnay afford Motors in oor hoose ffs.
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Quixall, stewB and ikeaman in the pub:
Quixall " Get the beers in donkey" StewB " Why do you call ikeaman donkey"? Ikeaman " He haw hee haw he always calls me that" |
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Neither could we until I was about 14 and we only got colour telly when I was eighteen!
Who cares. I never went hungry in my life and getting tartan legs crowding round the coal fire was an experience and wasn't nearly as bad as the red chafing we got from having to wear wellies back and forth to school. As I said, Happy Days.! |
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Ma socks usded to hang out the bottom of ma holey shoes.
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Well, when we were young our parents didn't have much money
We got all our clothes from the Army surplus store It was OK for me and my brothers... But not much fun for my sister, aged 5,going to school dressed as a Japanese General |
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You;re allowed that one Reg, even if it dates back to the early 70's, as this is a "nostalgia" phase of the thread.
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OK then, here's a couple of more oldies
Bloke in the Labour Exchange says he'll take the job as a Postie on offer because it's better than walking the streets Bill Shankley signs a player from Accrington Stanley. Tells him that he's at a big club now and he's going to start him on the Saturday. But as it's his first game for Liverpool, he's gonna pull him off at half time. Player says, Blimey, we only got oranges at Accrington |
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Och that's just brilliant! Really!!! Still chuckling here. |
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i used to tap dance, had to give it up.... i kept falling in the sink (t cooper)
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Rico meeting up with StewB to plan stealing scrap metal.
StewB on the phone " Where the eff are you rico, been here an hour and my mobility scooters battery is flat" Rico " Can't get there, my moped is knackered" SteB " Wtf you said you had an old Tranny" Rico " He/she couldn't make it" StewB "So what's the problem with the moped"? Rico " Piston broke" StewB " Everybody knows that YSDC but what's wrong with the moped"? |
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Why not post your lifetime pl on here Glen just to prove to the nation that you are not a serial loser? You state you don't use the exchange any more but nothing to stop you posting up. Takes 30 seconds..................................
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You sound like the classic losers on here werbie, the only ones who want to see other peoples business!!
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You've been giving it the big one on here for years Glen but backed it up with zilch. And this is the good joke thread, rather apt where you are concerned
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Nobody in the history of the Forum has posted more proofs than me werbie unless you know different?
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Go ahead 30 seconds
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As stated, only the losers request others business werbie and to date I have never lost to the likes of rico et al. If you align yourself with the losers and con men , more fool you!!
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