There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 769 comments are related to the topic:
Good Joke Thread.
Good Joke Thread.
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 769
|
By:
Good wan Reg.
 |
|
By:
Rico goes on Desert Island D!cks and eventually is asked to leave to change his Y fronts and have a shower. They get through the usual until they reach come to the choice of music.
Presenter ( Matt Chapman ) doing a betting and racing special. MC " So tell us shafter do you or the Betfair Forum have a particular performer you or they associate with you"? Rico "Two actually, Les Gray and Clair Grogan" MC " Out of the two who have you chosen to take on the Island"? Rico " I suppose it has to be Clair and Altered Images as what I am best known for" MC " Thank you mister shafter, have a Happy New Year and may you you find a path to redemption in 2024" Rico " PMSL YSDC" , MC " That is why you were excused to shower and change your Y fronts Mr Shafter, collect your bus fare on your way out"  |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Rico goes into the local surgery.
Doc " How can I help you Mr Shafter, apart from prescribing shower gel or a personal hygiene regimen"? Rico "Whatever that means, I just can't help PMSL, even when it makes me look a complete James Hunt" Doc " I can't help you Mr Shafter, James Hunt never had a problem with incontinence or digging holes he could not get out of" Rico " But I can't help telling porkies, please help" Doc " Promise to give up Clair Grogan's and I will give you a prescription" Rico " Oh yes please, what will you give me"? Doc " Suppositories, stick them up your @rse every time you feel the urge to tell a porkie or PYSL, 5 per day until 31/12 2024 and bear in mind I have laid a lump at 1.01 you won't last a week" Rico " I know, I laid it, is cash OK"? |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Rico Dangleflaps went for a shave to his favourite barber. As he sat down he told the barber he had saggy cheeks and to be extra careful - "I don;t want any nasty nicks"! "No worries" the barber, said "I'll put this small ball in your mouth/cheek and that will tighten the skin outside to allow for a perfect shave". Ten minutes later job done and a delighted Rico paid up and asked "Out of interest what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball"?
"No Worries", the barber said, "You would have brought it back in a couple of days time like the last guy did this morning"! |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Young,naive, Chinese couple just got married. Go to the honeymoon hotel,up to the honeymoon suite,
get undressed and get into bed and he turns to her and says'So what you like?' 'Well she replies, my girlfriend tells me 69 is really good' 'What, you want chicken stir fry wiv noodle!' |
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
I think I've met them. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
Good old Clint. Comes fae East Kilbride. |
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
I love watching The Darts.
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
Man decides to earn £50 quid by donating to the sperm bank . At reception the nurse gives him a jar to put his donation in and tells him to go behind the screen. “ There are some lads mags to help you. “
After 5 minutes he pops his head round the screen and asks for a rubber glove . The nurse looks at him strangely but passes him one . After another few minutes he pops his head round again and asks for a rubber band . The nurse passes him one. Sure enough a minute later the somewhat red faced and strained young man asks for a piece of leather. “ Good God “ says the nurse , “ Do you want me to help you ?” “ Ooh !Yes please,” says the chap, “ That would be great.” So the nurse goes behind the screen , removes her top and bra and kneels down and sure enough after minute she looks up and says “ is this ok? ? “ “ mmmm It's lovely ,”says the guy, “But it ain't getting the top off this jar! “ |
|
By:
|
|
By:
How do you fit 4 elephants into a car? Easy, two in the front, two in the back.
|
|
By:
Rico and StewB standing in a queue.
A woman taps both on the shoulder and asks. " Can either of you gents tell me if this is the queue for the sperm bank" StewB nods and says "MMMMMMMMMMM" lips tight shut. Rico gulps and says " What the fukc are you doing here Sheila, he was only a friend, honest"!! |
|
By:
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
Bernard manning classic.
you can imagine it in a northern voice. ''Whats the difference between an Iraqi woman and a Pilchard,? One of them has fat, bulging eyes and covered in grease, The other ones a fish''. i'm sure someone will report me for being some kind of racist. But i thought it funny.  |
|
By:
Teacher... What is the name of Old McDonald's farm?
Boy... I can't pronounce it Miss, but it's spelt E-I-E-I-O |
|
By:
Group of Australian tourist's on a coach to see Wigan Pier. Driver parks up at Robin Park and as they are getting off the bus one of them says to the driver "oh look, I can see a kangaroo in the distance"
Coach driver tells him. "that is not a kangaroo. It is a Greyhound having a ****." |
|
By:
Just reminded me...
Why is a very short Mini skirt called a Greyhound skirt? Because it's close to the hare |
|
By:
Hair
For those that didn't get it |
|
By:
Good old Bernard. Sadly missed by many, including me.
|
|
By:
[ This image is no longer available. ]
|
|
By:
Do you know why Jezza Corbyn would never get attacked while sitting in a stationary train at Paddington? Because you should never go for a shi ite while the train is standing in the station!
|
|
By:
Quixall is in a field with a sheep's back legs in his wellies, Rico and StewB are driving past together and spot him.
Rico " FFS Quixall put the fukcing sheep down and get in the back, the old bill are just a mile behind us" Quixall " FFS eff off, I would rather be caught getting out the back of a sheep than be seen with you pair of &*nt$" |
|
By:
Post of the Year material. At least as far as Rico is concerned. Swop StewB for scanda the teapot and the job's a good'un. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Ikeaman travels to Raf St Eval via Schiphol having been delayed when his red eye flight from London to Bristol was diverted. He arrives at the entrance to be told that only authorised personnel are allowed into the now Transmitter Station. He says "It is a nostalgic visit, I lived in AMQ for over 11 years when my dad was stationed here".
Security " Really, you look a bit young if you don't mind me saying" Ikeaman " That is very kind of you to say so" Security " No worries, we still get pilots trying to land thinking we are St Mawgan, when were you here in MQs"? Ikeaman " In the 70s" Security "Does anyone know you are here Sir"? Ikeaman " Just my Whats app group" Security " Can you get one to take you home Sir" Ikeaman " Why, I just wanted to come in and have a look for old times sake" Security " I can't help you sir, we are closed" Ikeaman " Oh sorry I forgot the time difference, did on a competition I am in the other day, keep forgetting" Security " No worries sir we have been closed for a while" Ikeaman " Should I come earlier tomorrow"? Security "Won't make any difference sir" Ikeaman " I travelled a long way to visit, when did you close FFS"? Security " 1959 sir, now can I call your carer and let them know where you are"? |
|
By:
The four Sociopaths aka the four hoarsemen of the poxy lips are on holiday in South Asia when Rico begs out of a trek in the jungle stating "You three have claimed military connections so you are obviously better suited than me"
Off they go and lo and behold get lost and suddenly surrounded by dangerous looking tribesmen with spears. Ikeaman " Ask them what they want StewB,you speak funny enough that they might understand" StewB " Fit like loons" Tribal Chief " So you are BF Forumites, we know all about yooq hunts conning people so we are going to skin Quixall alive and use his skin to make a canoe" Quixall grabs a spear and starts stabbing himself all over,shouting "You won't make a canoe out off me FFS" Tribal Leader " Shame Quixall, one of your cohorts will have to fulfill our offer to the gods and make love to our sacred pagoda" They all look behind the elder and see a stone pagoda. StewB " I have never shag&ed anything made from anything other than laytex you will have to do it Ikea"!! Ikea " I can't I have only ever screwed the Forum" Quixall pipes up " Tell them we will send a message and get Rico here and he will sh@g the idol" StewB and Ikea " How will that help FFS" Quixall " FFS you two, can you think of a bigger Idol Fukcer on the Forum"? |
|
By:
Ikea "don't you mean idle fukcer"
Quixall "FFS both"!! |