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Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow |
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Pat and the wife have been having awful trouble in the bedroom, no matter what he tries she just cant get the climax! She thinks its cos they're too warm so Pat rings his mate Mick and asks him to flap a towel in front of them to cool her down so she'll get the climax. Pat and the wife go at it and Mick flaps away with the towel but to no avail. The wife says maybe you're doing something wrong, swap places there you two. After a few minutes she has the most amazing orgasm ever. Pat turns to Mick and says, "Mate now that is how you flap a towel!"
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Bat Gol goes to the doctor complaining complaining that his pen1s is orange.
The doctor looks at it and says 'Do you work with chemicals? Bat replies, 'No.' 'Well' the doctor says, 'Do you lift heavy equipment?' Again Bat replies 'No.' 'Well, what do you do all day?' asks the doctor. Bat replies 'Watch porn and eat wotsits' |
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:^0
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lol
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dawn french has gone on hunger strike since her separation.....doctors have told her she has 24 years to live
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The lone ranger and tonto are stuck in the desert and have no idea where they are.
the lone ranger says "tonto, use your native skills to find out some information" so tonto gets on the ground and puts his ear to the floor, he gets up and says "buffalo come" the lone ranger is astounded and says "that's amazing my friend, how do you know" "ear sticky" |
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man goes to the doctor complaining that he has the worst headaches.
the doctor says, "i used to get the same thing and i'll tell you what solved it for me, i would go down on my wife and get her to squeeze her thighs round my head really tight and then my headache would go" so the man goes off ready to give it a go. comes back a week later full of beans. "well, did it work?" says the doc "worked amazingly well doctor i can't thank you enough" "all part of the service" beams the doc. "oh by the way" says the man on his way out, "your bedroom is beautfully decorated"!! |
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Over the past few months, my girlfriend has turned into a fitness freak. She's at the gym six days out of seven and never stops working out.
It's gone past a joke now as I think she's taking steroids. The other night she came in from the gym, pinned me down and f ucked me up the @rse with her c litorus. |
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no
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Alzheimers protest march.....
"What do we want"? "Fu*k knows" "When do we want it"? "Want what"? |
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A blind man was handed a hedgehog, he held it for awhile and was asked what he thought. He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.
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One snowman says to another "can you smell carrots?".
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A guy meets a girl in a bar and, after a few drinks, she takes him home.
After a while she invites him to bed. She takes off his shoes and socks to find his feet all curled up. Sorry,he says, you see when I was young I had Tolio. "Surely you mean Polio" she replied. Next, he drops his jeans. " Wow, what weird Knees" she says. He explains again that when He was young he caught Kneesles. "Surely you mean measles" came the reply. Finally he pulled down his pants....... "Don't tell me" she said "When you were young you had... SMALL COX" |
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When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies........
He was informed that this wasn't an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket |
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not bad but only 4 out of 10
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I like that TM |
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BBC news: John higgins denies bribing allegations.
I've not seen such an obvious ** since my deaf cousin used sign language to win the national chirades competition. |
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BBC news: John higgins denies bribing allegations.
I've not seen such an obvious chheat since my deaf cousin used sign language to win the national chirades competition. |
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what does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association |
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Was out walking down the railway embankment the other night and picked up this woman,
Anyway cut a long story short took her home and had amazing sex all over the house, could not believe it so next day in the pub bragging as you do told all the lads, They were amazed and kept asking for all the details and one of them spurted out did she give good head? I said 'Head' head she didn't have a fcking head... Taxi ! |
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A Jewish girl phones her mum to say she's divorcing her husband. The young woman explains it's because her husband always wants anal sex. She moans to her mum that when she got married she had a nice tight bumhole like a 5 pence piece and now it's stretched to a 50 pence piece.
Her mum says....You have a Porsche, a gold card...all the money you could possibly want and you're gonna throw it all away for a lousy 45p?! |
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hahaha
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At the risk of ruining my act:
Jewish couple, Hymie & Rachel go for a picnic at Chingford Hatch. Half way through, Hymie says: "Rachel I'm dying for a cr&p" She says "Don't worry go behind that bush over there, I will keep watch" When he is finished he calls out: "Rachel have you got any paper?" She replies: "Don't be so f*****g mean, leave it there" !!! Plenty more where that came from. |
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Why do they call it a pap smear?
Because if they called it a C$nt Scrape no one would turn up. |
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french connection 10 out of 10
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Whats the height of suspicion? You've seen the coal man come out of your house with 1 clean finger
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