man waiting at bus stop starts picking his nose this woman says can you please stop picking your nose man sayswell it is my nose they both get on bus and it is full they happen to sit next each other the man starts scrating his nuts woman please stop doing that 4 stops later they both get of the woman falls the man puts hand out to help the woman up she says iv had a go at you twice today and you still help me man says thats alright i was picking my bum and a bit of s h i t on my fingers but its alright now its gone

Did you hear the one about the Irish Hide & Seek Champion

found dead under Tesco's......

A single pal of mine asked me for some tips as he was going racing for the fist time, I gave him four winners, he rang me the next day to tell me he`d won over £3k," brilliant" I replied, I hope you dont mind he said but I took ther liberty of booking a holiday for two, all expenses paid to Cyprus, and was wondering if you would be kind enough, to put my bins out on Thusday?.

What do you call a p@kistani who drives an aeroplane ?
































































Pilot.

Blind guy walks in to a shop with guide dog ,picks it up by the tail and swings it around.
Shop keeper says"can i help you sir?"
Blind man replies "no thanks just looking around.............

A pal of mine went to the doctor with a terrible pain in his right elbow,the doctor said "you will have to stop masturbating immediatly"," why"? replied my pal, because I`m trying to examine you!.

I went to my ex girlfriends funeral over the weekend. I met her parents for the first time. Miserable pair of fcukers.

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night when she said mine was the biggest c-ck she'd ever had her hands on.I said you're pulling my leg........

geezer tells the doctor.....every time i sit down i f.a.r.t.........."take a seat"...............doctor goes to the back room & returns eith a large pole with a hook on the end ................WHAT YOU GONA DO DOC..............open the window it stinks in here

During a visit to the local asylum I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a potential patient should be admitted for treatment, the Director replied we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon a cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty it. Oh I uynderstand I said a normal person would use the bucket because it is larger than the teaspoon or the treacup. No said the director a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near trhe window?

Nazi couple watching television in the lounge
He says: "Can you smell gas, darling"?
She says: "Oh sorry darling, I must have left the shower on"

another 10 there

WAS coming back from the pub one night when i picked up a bottle and a genie popped out.you will be lucky for one week he said.carried on and found a bundle of notes on the path.popped into a tv shop and bought a tele.got to counter ,lights flashed and cos i was 1,000,000th customer got it for free.thought right here we go!!!went to a night club and pulled the best looking indian bird id ever seen.took her back to my place but couldnt get going."its that red dot on your forehead ,i cant concentrate i said"scratch it off she said.so i did and













WON A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i put this up the other week but here goes
a bloke walks into a newsagents and asks the big busted assistant for 20 filter t its oh i,m sorry 20 filter tips he said in an embarrassed state and leaves the shop ,sez to his mate "god that was embarrasing ,just asked that girl for filter t its instead of filter tips
oh don,t worry about that sez his mates thats called sublimitation it,s when you say something your thinking but don,t want to say it but you say it anyway ,the very same thing happened to me this morning,i came down from the bathroom and sat down at the breakfast table and i meant to say to the wife could you pass me the milk over darling but it came out you f**king fat ** you,ve ruined my life

Two little boys talking:
1st. boy : "My dad's got two willies" he boasts.
2nd. boy: "Really !"
1st. boy: "Yeah, a little one he does wee wees with and a larger one he uses to clean the au pair's teeth"

I do find that todays children are growing up far to quick, I saw a little girl playing with Barbie and Ken and she had put them into the doggie position, so i said you need to be careful or you will end up with lots of little barbie/ken dolls - she looked at me and said dont be silly he is doing her up the harris!

walker :^0

As a result of the trauma brought about by her split from Lenny Henry, Dawn French has gone on hunger strike. Doctors have given her 24 months to live.

man on a plane eyeing up young bit of stuff reading a book called sexual facts ,fancies his chances and catches her eye and says are you enjoying the book ,she says yes for instance did you know that the american indian has the longest**and the scottish have the thickest.she says do excuse me I never introduced myself Im Helen James,he says Tonto Mctavish pleased to meet you.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she**over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"