any good jokes anyone

had to put me dog down last night .












it was too heavy :^0

3 out of 10 that one

mine was 10 out of 10 wheres the next 10

i was on the tele last night







i fell off :^0

should have been a plane 1 out of 10

difference between Lenny Henry and Thierry henry?

Thierry Henry's still Fking French...

boom boom

6 out of 10

SPENCER-MURTAGH-PROBERT

russian sprinter
amzoominov

half out of 10

another half out of 10

did you hear about the paddy dog?

the tree**ed on him.

**ssed.

you must be drunk 1 out of 10

man in pub playin darts
fella comes up to him with no arms and says , you wanna game for a tenner
ok then
first one goes and throws 96
fella with no arms says - pass me the darts
where you want them
put em in me mouth





---- right , throw the dart board at me :^0 ;\ :^0 :p

that made me laugh 8 out of 10

bloke goes in the pub with a midget goes up to the bar and says pint of fosters for me and a stepladder for the midget

told me bird to get her coat
she said , orrrrrrrrr where you takin me ?
nowhere , im turning the fire off :^0 :p

Paddy goes to the antiques road show and joins the long que. After around half an hour he reaches the front and Arthur Negus says to him
" And what have we got here Sir " to which Paddy replies
" I found it up in me attic sure, I thinks it might be some familly air loom or something and hopefully it's worth a few quid "
" Have you got insurance ? " Arthur asks Paddy
" Why, do you think I need it ? " says Paddy.
" Definately " says Artur " it's your fxxxxxxxkin WATER TANK "

she said - i want you out , you do nothing to help and are the laziest man ive ever known - pack your bags
i said " you pack em "
:p :p :p :p

turn the fire of 6 out of 10

irishman goes in t.v shop and buys 10 t.v the salesman said to the irishman can i used you why you are buying 10 t.v hes says they think the irish are thick but i only need i license

What do you call two sheep tied to a post in Cardiff??

"A leisure centre"

cos i know you 1 out of 10 lol

good night my joke was the only 10 out of 10

A man is reading through the vacancies in his local job centre in Blackburn when one catches his eye - person required on porn set, main part of role will be to oil up female cast members prior to doing their scenes and other related tasks. No previous experience required, hours to suit and rate of pay is £45 per hour.

The guy prints the vacancy, approaches a member of staff and says ' i'm interested in this vacancy, can you help me?.'

'certainly' says the clerk, 'if you'd just like to fill this application form in and take it to London'

'oh, is that where the job is?' syas the bloke

'no, thats where the f ucking queue starts' replies the clerk!!!

0/10!!!

... Where do you find a dog with one leg... ??

... I dunno, where do you find a dog with one leg ...

... Where you ** left him ... ha ha ...

yhe best joke i know is
kieron felon

went to a sweet shop, asked for a packet of helicopter crisps,

shopkeeper said sorry, we only have plane!

A man had a ticket for the world cup final but notices an empty seat further down so he makes his way down to the empty seat and asks the man next to it if anyone is sitting there. "no, it's empty", says the seated man

"this is incredible," says the other man. "who on earth would have a seat like this for the world cup final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" the seated man says "well, actually, the seat is mine. My wife and I have been coming every year for all our 35 years of married life but she has passed away". "oh... i'm very sorry to hear that. thats very sad - but couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, to take the seat?" the seated man shakes his head. "no. they're all at the funeral."

just joined a dating agency

one of the questions was 'what tye of girls do you like'

i tyed 'age 3 girls'

after a month or so i have had no relies

then realised that my keyboard letter P was faulty

A man working with blind people takes a bus load of them to the beach for the day.

He gets there and asks them what they want to do for the day? They reply "play football!!", but he says " your all blind".

Then he thinks for a minute, and finds two small bells and tiesthemt to the ball, he throws it up and the can hear it,next thing they're playing headers and volleys!

He thinks this is great, they don't need me, and so he goes off to the nearest pub for a pint.

One hour later a man bursts into the pub..... " who the f**k is looking after those blind people??!!!" he shouted.
"I am" said the man, "why???"


"they're kicking the f**ck out of the morris dancers!"

man waiting at bus stop starts picking his nose this woman says can you please stop picking your nose man sayswell it is my nose they both get on bus and it is full they happen to sit next each other the man starts scrating his nuts woman please stop doing that 4 stops later they both get of the woman falls the man puts hand out to help the woman up she says iv had a go at you twice today and you still help me man says thats alright i was picking my bum and a bit of s h i t on my fingers but its alright now its gone

blind man selling matches outside a pub moon under water drunk comes along and puts a penny in tray and takes a box of matches the blind man says good evening ken nudge nudge wink wink over and out

Did you hear the one about the Irish Hide & Seek Champion

found dead under Tesco's......

not bad

A single pal of mine asked me for some tips as he was going racing for the fist time, I gave him four winners, he rang me the next day to tell me he`d won over £3k," brilliant" I replied, I hope you dont mind he said but I took ther liberty of booking a holiday for two, all expenses paid to Cyprus, and was wondering if you would be kind enough, to put my bins out on Thusday?.

Man had a visit from the police, they said " it looks like your wife
has been involved in an accident sir"
Man replied "yeah i know, but she has a lovely personality"

What do you call a p@kistani who drives an aeroplane ?
































































Pilot.

dilwyn 9 out of 10 for that

Blind guy walks in to a shop with guide dog ,picks it up by the tail and swings it around.
Shop keeper says"can i help you sir?"
Blind man replies "no thanks just looking around.............

4 out of 10 come on there must be a 10 out of 10 joke

A pal of mine went to the doctor with a terrible pain in his right elbow,the doctor said "you will have to stop masturbating immediatly"," why"? replied my pal, because I`m trying to examine you!.

still only 5 out of 10 for that

I went to my ex girlfriends funeral over the weekend. I met her parents for the first time. Miserable pair of fcukers.

8 out of 10

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night when she said mine was the biggest c-ck she'd ever had her hands on.I said you're pulling my leg........

your the winner 10 out of 10 that made me laugh

geezer tells the doctor.....every time i sit down i f.a.r.t.........."take a seat"...............doctor goes to the back room & returns eith a large pole with a hook on the end ................WHAT YOU GONA DO DOC..............open the window it stinks in here

My budgie broke his leg today, so i made the poor little thing a splint made out of two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up!!

So did the rest of him as i'd forgotten i'd lined his cage floor with sandpaper.

During a visit to the local asylum I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a potential patient should be admitted for treatment, the Director replied we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon a cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty it. Oh I uynderstand I said a normal person would use the bucket because it is larger than the teaspoon or the treacup. No said the director a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near trhe window?

Syed says he's a Muslim but the fact is he a bit of Christian in him.

Nazi couple watching television in the lounge
He says: "Can you smell gas, darling"?
She says: "Oh sorry darling, I must have left the shower on"

stephen hawkins goes on a blind date.when he returns hes got 2 black eyes,a broken arm and bruises everywhere.the police are called and blame the date.APPARENTLY SHE STOOD HIM UP!!!!!!!!!!!

another 10 there

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"

WAS coming back from the pub one night when i picked up a bottle and a genie popped out.you will be lucky for one week he said.carried on and found a bundle of notes on the path.popped into a tv shop and bought a tele.got to counter ,lights flashed and cos i was 1,000,000th customer got it for free.thought right here we go!!!went to a night club and pulled the best looking indian bird id ever seen.took her back to my place but couldnt get going."its that red dot on your forehead ,i cant concentrate i said"scratch it off she said.so i did and













WON A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 kids talking

The boy says "I've got a pair of Levi Jeans".The girl says "I've got 2 pair"

The boy says "My dad owns a jag". The girl says "My dad owns a Jag and a Mercedes".

The boy says "my dads got a 32 foot boat".The girl says "my dad owns a 64 foot boat".

The boy is wild and drops his pants and says "I've got one of these."
The girl thinks quick and drops her pants and says "I've got one of these and Mum said if you've got one of these you can have one of them anytime ".

i put this up the other week but here goes
a bloke walks into a newsagents and asks the big busted assistant for 20 filter t its oh i,m sorry 20 filter tips he said in an embarrassed state and leaves the shop ,sez to his mate "god that was embarrasing ,just asked that girl for filter t its instead of filter tips
oh don,t worry about that sez his mates thats called sublimitation it,s when you say something your thinking but don,t want to say it but you say it anyway ,the very same thing happened to me this morning,i came down from the bathroom and sat down at the breakfast table and i meant to say to the wife could you pass me the milk over darling but it came out you f**king fat ** you,ve ruined my life

I ASKED MY GIRL TO TELL ME SOMETHIN SWEET AND SOUR ALL IN ONE SENTENCE ;;SHE SAID TO ME ;OUT OF ALL YOUR MATES YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST C O C K

Two little boys talking:
1st. boy : "My dad's got two willies" he boasts.
2nd. boy: "Really !"
1st. boy: "Yeah, a little one he does wee wees with and a larger one he uses to clean the au pair's teeth"

JOHN HIGGINS NOT GUILTY LOL

I do find that todays children are growing up far to quick, I saw a little girl playing with Barbie and Ken and she had put them into the doggie position, so i said you need to be careful or you will end up with lots of little barbie/ken dolls - she looked at me and said dont be silly he is doing her up the harris!

my dogs got no nose how does he smell?......... AWFUL!

walker :^0

Repeat of one I posted on a different thread last week:


Lester called BIGOT..........by man with speech impediment.

As a result of the trauma brought about by her split from Lenny Henry, Dawn French has gone on hunger strike. Doctors have given her 24 months to live.

English tourist in USA, chatting to Red Indian chief, he asked the Chief what was his wife's name ?, the chief says " Five horses" ... "five horses says the tourist thats a sweet unusual name , why is she called that" ? "nag nag nag nag nag " says the chief.

man on a plane eyeing up young bit of stuff reading a book called sexual facts ,fancies his chances and catches her eye and says are you enjoying the book ,she says yes for instance did you know that the american indian has the longest**and the scottish have the thickest.she says do excuse me I never introduced myself Im Helen James,he says Tonto Mctavish pleased to meet you.

I said to the wife last night why dont you tell me anymore when your about to org@sm,she said I dont like to phone you at work.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she**over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:


My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

Pat and the wife have been having awful trouble in the bedroom, no matter what he tries she just cant get the climax! She thinks its cos they're too warm so Pat rings his mate Mick and asks him to flap a towel in front of them to cool her down so she'll get the climax. Pat and the wife go at it and Mick flaps away with the towel but to no avail. The wife says maybe you're doing something wrong, swap places there you two. After a few minutes she has the most amazing orgasm ever. Pat turns to Mick and says, "Mate now that is how you flap a towel!"

.

/

Bat Gol goes to the doctor complaining complaining that his pen1s is orange.

The doctor looks at it and says 'Do you work with chemicals?

Bat replies, 'No.'

'Well' the doctor says, 'Do you lift heavy equipment?'

Again Bat replies 'No.'

'Well, what do you do all day?' asks the doctor.

Bat replies 'Watch porn and eat wotsits'

:^0

lol

dawn french has gone on hunger strike since her separation.....doctors have told her she has 24 years to live

The lone ranger and tonto are stuck in the desert and have no idea where they are.
the lone ranger says "tonto, use your native skills to find out some information"
so tonto gets on the ground and puts his ear to the floor, he gets up and says "buffalo come"
the lone ranger is astounded and says "that's amazing my friend, how do you know"

"ear sticky"

man goes to the doctor complaining that he has the worst headaches.
the doctor says, "i used to get the same thing and i'll tell you what solved it for me, i would go down on my wife and get her to squeeze her thighs round my head really tight and then my headache would go"
so the man goes off ready to give it a go. comes back a week later full of beans.
"well, did it work?" says the doc
"worked amazingly well doctor i can't thank you enough"
"all part of the service" beams the doc.
"oh by the way" says the man on his way out, "your bedroom is beautfully decorated"!!

Over the past few months, my girlfriend has turned into a fitness freak. She's at the gym six days out of seven and never stops working out.

It's gone past a joke now as I think she's taking steroids. The other night she came in from the gym, pinned me down and f ucked me up the @rse with her c litorus.

no

Alzheimers protest march.....
"What do we want"?
"Fu*k knows"
"When do we want it"?
"Want what"?

A blind man was handed a hedgehog, he held it for awhile and was asked what he thought. He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.

One snowman says to another "can you smell carrots?".

A guy meets a girl in a bar and, after a few drinks, she takes him home.
After a while she invites him to bed.
She takes off his shoes and socks to find his feet all curled up.
Sorry,he says, you see when I was young I had Tolio. "Surely you mean Polio" she replied.
Next, he drops his jeans. " Wow, what weird Knees" she says.
He explains again that when He was young he caught Kneesles.
"Surely you mean measles" came the reply.

Finally he pulled down his pants.......
"Don't tell me" she said "When you were young you had...





SMALL COX"

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies........
He was informed that this wasn't an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket

not bad but only 4 out of 10

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I like that TM

BBC news: John higgins denies bribing allegations.

I've not seen such an obvious ** since my deaf cousin used sign language to win the national chirades competition.

BBC news: John higgins denies bribing allegations.

I've not seen such an obvious chheat since my deaf cousin used sign language to win the national chirades competition.

what does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

Was out walking down the railway embankment the other night and picked up this woman,

Anyway cut a long story short took her home and had amazing sex all over the house, could not believe it so next day in the pub bragging as you do told all the lads,

They were amazed and kept asking for all the details and one of them spurted out did she give good head?

I said 'Head' head she didn't have a fcking head...

Taxi !

A Jewish girl phones her mum to say she's divorcing her husband. The young woman explains it's because her husband always wants anal sex. She moans to her mum that when she got married she had a nice tight bumhole like a 5 pence piece and now it's stretched to a 50 pence piece.

Her mum says....You have a Porsche, a gold card...all the money you could possibly want and you're gonna throw it all away for a lousy 45p?!

hahaha

At the risk of ruining my act:

Jewish couple, Hymie & Rachel go for a picnic at Chingford Hatch.
Half way through, Hymie says: "Rachel I'm dying for a cr&p"
She says "Don't worry go behind that bush over there, I will keep watch"
When he is finished he calls out: "Rachel have you got any paper?"
She replies: "Don't be so f*****g mean, leave it there" !!!

Plenty more where that came from.

Why do they call it a pap smear?



Because if they called it a C$nt Scrape no one would turn up.

french connection 10 out of 10

Whats the height of suspicion?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       You've seen the coal man come out of your house with 1 clean finger