So anyway , as I waited on a bench in the park for most of the people to leave ,
I at one point stood up to then walk a very short distance to place my egg shells and
empty water bottles into a bin and I experienced what I would describe as unsettling
electrical activity in my brain .
I also felt very dizzy . Things were very definitely starting to get much worse .

I sat back down on the bench and smoked some tobacco . I then began to imagine
Things . Beside me on the bench was my BasTArd heavy backpack , that backpack was then
turned into , by my very tired mind , a little old woman beggar, who I had hours earlier given money to as I passed her on a bridge over The Seine . She had kissed my hand with thanks . She looked like Mother Theresa .

I started to talk to her ( My Bag) . I remember saying something like" I'm sorry I only gave you a euro , help me get out
of this jam and I'll give you more tomorrow " . My bag didn't say anything back to me ,
instead , she just stared straight ahead with a slight smile on her face .

I also strangely felt that I was in Dublin and not Paris .

Write more in about 20 mins .

PART 8 .

It was now about 11.30 and the lamp lights had gone out in the park .
I went into the bushes to take a p1ss and my visit into the bushes sent rats scattering
in all directions . About 30 mins earlier I had seen a couple of them coming out to
play . I'm not afraid of rats , I'm a man not a mouse or a girlie , but still I was
not comfortable with them being there , especially in such numbers .
I remember thinking that I'd be fast asleep in my tent and I then wake up to find that
the little BUGG.ers had chewed my smelly toes off .

I decided to leave the park , not because of the rats , I decided to leave the park
because of the recent arrival of far more dangerous types of rat . Drug users and
alcoholics , they all seemed to be eyeing me up . Because of my tiredness I felt
very vulnerable . I left the park , put my little old woman back on my back and
started walking . I had no idea were I was going .

Write more in 10 mins .

PART 10 .

To reach my sleeping place , I had to climb over a chain link fence , I then
walked down some brightly lit steps , I covered the nearest of the bright lights with
a purple coloured flannel . Here's a view of the place I slept as I rested on a dirty
concrete floor .

When I finally got some sleep on my first night in Paris ,
I estimated that I had put an end to over 60 hours without any .

I had slept for only seconds here and seconds there . I had possibly slept 3 minutes during that time .

I could count that on the one missing fingered hand of The late great Irish comedian ,
Dave Allen . Anyone remember Dave Allen ?

Not slept yet , I j u st want to write this about Dave Allen .

I remember watching him when I was a boy with My Father .
As a comedian , he didn't tell jokes as such , instead he told funny observant tales .

I'm not very up to scratch about comedians of today but I know that he would put the
likes of Frankie Boyle and other effers and jeffers like him to shame .

Roy Chubby Brown.....

Dave Allen - Teaching your kid to tell the time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oJMGzH5UvQ

That link I posted had the opening bit missing Annie.
Heres the full clip.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIXSnEyvtzg

enjoyed reading your story Culvin ,sounded a bit of a mare at times  ...was there any more ?     did you make it back  without any further  hiccups ?

PART 11 .

I woke up on a Sunday morning in Sebastopol at 6 , after sleeping for just over 3 hours .
Those few hours did me a world of good .

I got dressed packed my sH1t together and went on my way . Talking about sH1t , I hadn't had one for almost two days , and
I dreaded the prospect of being caught short . On my first day in Paris , I don't recall seeing a public toilet , or a McDonald's or Starbucks . When I needed to take a p1ss the day before , I did it in a quiet street and I don't think anyone saw me , but I wasn't about to do the same with a number two . I've never had a sh1t in a street in my life , I'm not going to start in Paris , although if I had of done , it would have been an apt comment of what I was thinking about the city at the time .

About three hours later in Chatelet , I went into a shop and bought tomatoes , cheese , and eggs . Earlier , from a stall on The Metro , I had bought two large mangoes . My plan was to find a public bog or a Starbucks , McDonalds , eat my food and then pop into one of those places to have my dump . Two friendly Chinese men kindly helped me to find a Starbucks . I had minutes earlier been ignored when I had said 'Bonjour ' to a froggy , in preparation to then ask him about finding a starbucks or McDonalds , he didn't say anything , he just  looked at me like I was a tramp . I did look a bit rough at this time I suppose , but still I think it was easy to gauge that I was a visitor and that I needed help .
I was rapidly losing patience with the stuck up froggs . Later that day , I started to put some of them in their place ,
and I continued in that vein until I left for London the next day .

So with the help I received from the two Chinese fellas , I made my way to Starbucks . In there I bought myself a large cafe au lait , which cost almost 5 euros .I then sat outside and smoked . After eating all the food I had earlier bought and drinking the delicious pricey coffee , nature had still not shown any sign of starting to make it's call . I was determined I wasn't going to leave Starbucks until I'd had a CrAp . A Crap that England would be proud of . . .

I NEED A COFFEE .

I've not had one today .
I may then need a number two , too .

Be back here later .

So to recap:

You go to one of the finest cities in the world with the intention of sleeping in a tent in a park. You’ve barely slept for a couple of days and someone looks at you as if they were looking at a tramp (your words not mine). You then take a piss down one of the city’s boulevards and on your return to the UK have the sheer gall to pronounce Paris as dirty? You’re hardly a living, breathing, walking Fabreeze yourself are you?

Cheers.

Personally I won't believe it's a real made up Paris 80s/90s story from a gamblOR until I hear about some dodgy immigrants outside
Montmartre ripping him off with the 3 cups and a ball game :)

Yes , Of course I did , because you never know when Johnny Taxman will come a knockin .

Are you A Taxman ? How did/do you make all your money , you bl00dy rich person , you ?

I reckon the only other chit chatter who's got more dosh than you is , SlippyBlue .

Can you Please lend me some of your money because after spending all of 137 euros in Paris ,
I'm now a bit skinto .

Thank You , My Friend , I know
You won't disappoint your fellow
Johnny .

I wish he'd hurry up and get to the sex scene.

Apart from rocky and hulk hogan who the fck eats raw eggs?

Apart from rocky and hulk hogan who the fck eats raw eggs?

Does Johnny's caviar count?